The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Apr 23 2010 issue)

Cabo/Kabul Airport Mix-Up Leads to Sub-Par Spring Break | Apr 23 2010

Spring breakers Emily Rothstein '12 and Jenna Harris '12 admitted to feeling "a little disappointed" when their ostensibly Mexico-bound airliner touched down in Afghanistan late last Saturday. The navigational misstep allegedly began when an employee at Logan Airport in Boston mistakenly spelled Kabul with a C on the departures board.

Overzealous Janitor Throws Out Entire List Art Show | Apr 23 2010

A Facilities Management employee unwittingly disposed of every single piece of art on display at a recent student gallery show in the List Art Building. The show, for which the 25 exhibited pieces were selected out of 80 submitted works, was entitled "Beyond Representation: Poststructuralist Beauty for Posthumanist Times.

Snapple Facts Increasingly Belligerent Towards Nantucket Nectars | Apr 23 2010

The best stuff on earth may have just turned bitter. Snapple, the worlds leading distributor of useless knowledge, and occasional distributor of colored sugar water, has managed to ensnare itself in a heated brawl with Nantucket Nectars. Snapple CEO Rafael Rodriguez allegedly became enraged when he discovered that Nantucket Nectars began printing facts about their quaint, 47.

Yet Again, Loui's Staff Decide to Stay Up Until 5 and Make Breakfast | Apr 23 2010

Although they all have stuff to do tomorrow and are totally going to kick themselves for it later, employees of Loui's Family Restaurant on Brook Street decided at 1 a.m last night to hang out in the store until the morning and then serve people some food.

Student Disappointed Friends Actually Came For Spring Weekend | Apr 23 2010

"How was I to know they'd make it?" Robert Stevenson '12 asked vexedly. Every year, Brown students invite friends and acquaintances from hometowns, study abroad experiences, and long, awkward bus rides through Connecticut. Most of these invitations, though, are turned down or politely ignored.

Super Senior Vows to Fight Crime at Graduation | Apr 23 2010

Kevin Kaplan '10 stands tall and proud in front of his full-length mirror, staring himself resolutely in the eye. His graduation cap is crisp, his robe is fluid, and his bright red spandex unitard is blinding. Yes, Kaplan is clad in a unitard. Is he going through an identity crisis? Does he like the squeeze in all the right places? No, Kevin Kaplan is a super senior.

Gee Whiz, How About that Ballroom Dance Team? | Apr 23 2010

Move over, IMPROVidence! Out of the way, Mock Trial! Get lost, Badmaash! There's a new obsession amongst Brown students: their incredibly athletic and dashingly attractive ballroom dance team. "I've never seen anyone pull off the moves they do!" said Ballroom Dance Captain Tommy Mulroney '12.

Table Slip Ban to Save Trees, Ruin Lives of Boring Diners | Apr 23 2010

Due to a joint effort between the UCS, UFB, BUAC and the ABCDEFG, table slips are being phased out of the dining halls-a transition which many predict will adversely affect the lives of losers and boring people across campus. "The boring person community relied on table slips for nine-tenths of our dinner conversation," said Dan Berg '11, a nondescript student of average height and build.

Daily Consumption of Apples Prevents Student From Receiving Much Needed Medical Attention | Apr 23 2010

In a case that has left Brown Health Services confounded, Timothy Henderson'13, continues to lie sick in bed as he has done for days-yet no doctor will see him. The reason: daily consumption of apples. "It all started about two weeks ago, when I first got sick," Henderson recalls.

Sean Quigley "Well Adjusted" for 18th-Century Time Traveler | Apr 23 2010

A recent poll shows that a majority of students believe Sean Quigley '10 - head of the campus Republicans, prominent Brown Daily Herald columnist, and Medieval English history aficionado - is "quite well adjusted" for being an 18th century time traveler. This surprising result came in at a whopping 78%, ahead of such other polled answers as "very unimportant" (43%), "somewhat attractive" (23%), and "think it should be changed to 'Fall Weekend'" (16%).

Snoop Dogg Headlines Janus Forum Debate on Education | Apr 23 2010

The first event in the Janus Forum's much anticipated debate series on education took place in Salomon 101 yesterday, and featured conservative political commentator Edward Morton matching wits with smooth-spitting hip hop artist Snoop 'Doggy' Dogg. Mr. Morton said he was excited to discuss such an important issue with an educational theorist as eminent as Mr.

Thayer Street Biker Takes Logic Course, Realizes Assless Chaps Do Not Implied Chapless Ass | Apr 23 2010

Self-described "biker, Thayer Street mainstay, and leather enthusiast" Larry Scarpo can usually be seen hanging out with his biker buddies outside such Thayer Street establishments as Tedeschi, the former Roba Dolce, and Tedeschi. This week, however, Scarpo traded in his chopper for a box of chalk.

University Cracks Down on Scalping Other Students for Spring Weekend Tickets | Apr 23 2010

University representatives announced a tougher policy toward students who did not acquire their Spring Weekend tickets directly from the Brown Concert Agency, stating that it is technically illegal under University rules to kill other students, remove their scalps and take their tickets.

Weirdo Kid In Orgo Keeps Pointing Pen at Professor and Whispering "Avada Kedavra!" | Apr 23 2010

Ever since the first day of Organic Chemistry (CHEM 35), Tim Spencer '13 has avoided Dirk Morton '13 like the plague. "I sat down beside him on the first day," Spencer explained. "Because he was wearing a Slytherin scarf from the Harry Potter movies. I thought that was cool.

Frat Brothers Related by Blood Alcohol Content | Apr 23 2010

A DNA test revealed yesterday that fellow Sigma-Chi rushers Ian Miller '13 and Josh Hendricks '13 are more than just "beer pong partners for life dude, high five!": they are brothers. The blood work confirmed that best friends Miller-Smirnoff and Hendricks-Smirnoff, who have since adopted their biological intoxicator's name, had near identical blood alcohol content levels during their brief stays at Providence hospital.

Roommate Refuses to Be Sexiled | Apr 23 2010

As Jesse Parker '13 returned to his room with a female companion last Wednesday night, he never could have anticipated the reaction of his ne'er-do-well roommate, Trevor Harrison '13. "So I was at FishCo, because it was a weeknight and, let's face it, I'm a football player," Parker explained.

Student Legally Changes Age to 21 | Apr 23 2010

Defying societal norms and asserting her right to use any age she likes, Kate Dorelle '12 officially changed her age last Thursday from 19 to 21 years old. "It's about independence. It's about being yourself," said Dorelle. "I didn't choose my age. My parents did, and I'm not going to let them or anyone tell me how to live my life.

Gay Guy Calls Straight Guy 'Mildly Attractive,' Straight Guy Unsure How to Respond | Apr 23 2010

When Mark Richards '13 arrived at a party and spotted romantic interest Lisa Lunk '13 talking to another young man, he wasn't worried. "It was hard to hear over the blaring beat of Ke$ha, but I swear he said something to Lisa about wearing his 'gay poncho'," Richards said.

U. Invaded by NINE WAYS TO MAKE YOUR DINING ROOM MORE INVITING Rogue Newspaper Headlines | Apr 23 2010

An otherwise peaceful springtime has been disrupted by an ever-more-frequent nuisance and threat: that of rogue newspaper SINGLE MOTHER OF TWO TRAPPED IN MINE COLLAPSE headlines. For BOW-WOW-WHOOPS! DOG CRASHES CAR IN PAWTUCKET FENDER-BENDER Beth Greenfield '13, the threat these headlines pose is all too real.