The Brown Noser

Student Abducted By Sketchy Van Saved From Awkward Encounter With Safewalk

Last night, sophomore Rachel Stein narrowly avoided tragedy when, just mo- ments from having an awkward encounter with a pair of Safewalkers, she was abduct- ed by two masked men in a sketchy van. “I was so nervous when I saw those Safewalkers make eye contact with her,” said sophomore Kelly Monteith, who watched the chilling moment unfold.

“And These Are The Patient’s Eyeballs,” Says Anatomy Professor Handing Peeled Grapes To Blindfolded Students

Passing a bowl of peeled grapes to his blindfolded pre-med students, human anatomy professor David Jacobsohn spookily said, “these are the patient’s eye- balls,” during a Halloween-themed “Frankenstein’s lab” component of the lecture. “The patient was a young, white male, aged 28, moderately healthy though an occasional smoker, and these are his goopy brains!” said Jacobsohn as he passed around a bowl of cold spaghetti.

Report: Fuck It, The Ratty Thinkin’ It Might Take A Stab At Goulash Tonight

According to sources close to Brown Dining Services, fuck it, the Ratty is thinkin’ it might take a stab at goulash tonight. “Yeah screw it, give it a go,” said Director of Dining Services Graham Guey. “Who cares, might as well take a crack at it.” At press time, shit, whatever, the Vdub’s gonna give gumbo a whirl.

Report: Awww! New Campus Therapy Dog Just Tore Apart That Squirrel

Sources on the Main green report that, awwwwww, an adorable new campus therapy dog is tearing apart a squirrel with his teeth. “Awww, look how cute she is!” re- marked student Jane Whitaker, watching teeth-bearing therapy dog Elvy bound after a traumatized squirrel.

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Hey Girlie, Just Wanted To Tell You, My Friend Thinks You're Really Cute. Also He’s Running For State Senate, Can He Count On Your Vote? By Campaign Manager Tess

Hey girlie! Oh my gosh, so nice to meet you! My name is Tessarine, but you can call me Tess. I just wanted to come over and tell you that my friend over there thinks you’re really cute. And also he’s running for state senate, can he count on your vote? Yeah him over there in the khakis and the Patagonia quarter-zip, yeah.

Hey. You Give 'Em Hell Out There. You Give 'Em Damn Hell. By Chip Grillhard, Jersey Youth Sluggers

Hey. You. You give ‘em hell out there, okay? You give ‘em damn hell. I know it’s been a tough year. I know better than anyone. But you? You’ve got somethin’, kid. Somethin’ special. You’ve got moxie comin’ outta your ears, I can smell it from a mile away, and I know it’s scary, I know it is.

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Bird Just Gonna Sit On Telephone Wire Until It Dies

Sources close to a local sparrow confirm that he’s content to sit on the same telephone wire until he dies. “I stopped here for a quick rest during my annual migration south, and then I just kinda stayed for a bit,” the sparrow said, wrapping his bird feet tight around the wire.

Report: Indie Boy Will Fuck You Up Three Months For Every Necklace He Wears

According to a recent report released by the Journal of Non-Mainstream Be- havior, an indie boy will fuck you up three months for every necklace he wears. “The composition doesn’t matter: pearl choker, classic chain, ironic cross, or beaded yarn that spells out ‘eat the rich,’” said lead researcher Rodney Bishop, running some tests to see if thrifted necklaces produce different results from those purchased at Urban Outfitters.

Newly Legalized Recreational Marijuana In Rhode Island Means 21+ Year Old Brown Students Can Finally Smoke Weed

Rhode Island plans to allow dispensaries to begin selling recreational cannabis starting on December 1st, meaning students on campus will be able to try marijuana for the first time ever. “I’m really excited to smoke weed for the first time ever! I’m super thankful for all the Rhode Island legislators and activists that are making it possible for students on campus to finally try pot! ” said Tyler Thigsburton ‘23, with the air of a small child going trick or treating.

Area Man Feeling Like Sex Machine After Putting On Roommate’s Cologne

Sources report that area man Simon Byrne is feeling like a sex machine after putting on his roommate Jeff ’s cologne. “Man, I feel like I’m exuding pheromones right now!” Byrne declared after spraying some of Jeff’s Chanel Eau d’Homme on every surface of his body.

Fake ID Look Super Real Except For Name, Age, Address, Photo, Texture

According to squinting sources, sophomore Barry Fenton’s fake ID looks super real except for the name, age, address, photo, and texture. “It’s almost perfect,” Fenton said proudly, trying his very best to look the part of a 26-year-old named Broderich Plumlet-Manterfield.

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Area Man Wondering If Anyone Knows Song He Thinking Of, It Goes Like Bwawawawa, Bow Wow, Flaaaanggg

Sources report area man Greg Shandy has been walking around all day approaching his friends asking if they can tell him the name of the song he’s thinking of; it goes like bwawawa, la la la, flang, flang. “Please please please, I need your help,” pleaded Shandy as he started miming sounds with his body, “it has sort of a bippity boppity melody? No? I think there’s this like post-contemporary mid-century mandolin solo? Agh, it goes sort of like yaooo yao yao yao, boodoobop, slaaaawwoooo!” “Can you google this sound for me?,” begged Shandy to his recoiling friends, “Wham bam bam wham, uh huh baby.

Reslife Replaces Housing Lottery With Direct Appeal To God

In an attempt to streamline a process criticized by students as complex and inefficient, ResLife has announced that they have replaced the housing lottery with a direct appeal to God. “In order to secure housing for the 2023-2024 academic year, all you have to do is pray that it’ll work out,” wrote ResLife president Julie Bloomberg in an email to students.

Area Girl Ignores BeReal Notification Because She Not At Party Yet

Sources report that area girl Sarah Miller is ignoring her BeReal because she’s not yet at a party. “Oh, I got a BeReal notification! I love how this app allows people to share their lives without the fakeness of Instagram and stuff,” said Miller, knowing full well she won’t take her BeReal until surrounded by acquaintances and bathed in colored light.

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Family Shared iCloud Fucked Up Beyond Repair

After noticing she had 8,000 new photos and 2,000 new text messages, Sharon Swiss realized that her family’s shared iCloud is fucked up beyond repair. “When I looked at my photos there were 250 pictures of just the inside of my dad’s pocket and I think I get a notification every time my sister gets an email, text or Snapchat,” Swiss said, burying her phone deep in her pocket to silence the constant buzzing. At press time, Swiss has been permanently locked out of her Game Pigeon account.

Woman Thinks Of The Perfect Tweet For Seven Years Ago

Local Twitter user Meghan Jinkle has just thought of what would’ve been a perfect tweet about seven years ago. “Ah, shit! Why did I just think of this now?” stated Jinkle, who, at that very moment, had realized that Pompeii was kind of the first mannequin challenge.

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