Passing a bowl of peeled grapes to his blindfolded pre-med students, human anatomy professor David Jacobsohn spookily said, “these are the patient’s eye- balls,” during a Halloween-themed “Frankenstein’s lab” component of the lecture. “The patient was a young, white male, aged 28, moderately healthy though an occasional smoker, and these are his goopy brains!” said Jacobsohn as he passed around a bowl of cold spaghetti.
According to sources close to Brown Dining Services, fuck it, the Ratty is thinkin’ it might take a stab at goulash tonight. “Yeah screw it, give it a go,” said Director of Dining Services Graham Guey. “Who cares, might as well take a crack at it.” At press time, shit, whatever, the Vdub’s gonna give gumbo a whirl.
Sources on the Main green report that, awwwwww, an adorable new campus therapy dog is tearing apart a squirrel with his teeth. “Awww, look how cute she is!” re- marked student Jane Whitaker, watching teeth-bearing therapy dog Elvy bound after a traumatized squirrel.
Releasing their 2022 college rankings, US News & World Report has ranked Brown as the best college environment for concealing the fact that you went to prep school. “Though we want to make sure NYU and Amherst aren’t forgotten in the hype, there truly is no place like Brown for camouflaging yourself as someone who had an educational experience that could even remotely be described as average,” said top US News university analyst Silvio Choi.
Reports indicate that DPS’s recent timely warning wasn’t nearly timely enough. “The Brown University Department of Public Safety was notified of an incident at approximately 9:00 AM today,” began the 11:00 PM email. “It is our expectation that this message will allow students to promptly leave the affected area and take swift measures to protect themselves.” At press time, DPS urged students to avoid assault by being extra aware of their surroundings.