The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Oct 31 2022 issue)

Student Abducted By Sketchy Van Saved From Awkward Encounter With Safewalk | Oct 31 2022

Last night, sophomore Rachel Stein narrowly avoided tragedy when, just mo- ments from having an awkward encounter with a pair of Safewalkers, she was abduct- ed by two masked men in a sketchy van. “I was so nervous when I saw those Safewalkers make eye contact with her,” said sophomore Kelly Monteith, who watched the chilling moment unfold.

“And These Are The Patient’s Eyeballs,” Says Anatomy Professor Handing Peeled Grapes To Blindfolded Students | Oct 31 2022

Passing a bowl of peeled grapes to his blindfolded pre-med students, human anatomy professor David Jacobsohn spookily said, “these are the patient’s eye- balls,” during a Halloween-themed “Frankenstein’s lab” component of the lecture. “The patient was a young, white male, aged 28, moderately healthy though an occasional smoker, and these are his goopy brains!” said Jacobsohn as he passed around a bowl of cold spaghetti.

Report: Fuck It, The Ratty Thinkin’ It Might Take A Stab At Goulash Tonight | Oct 31 2022

According to sources close to Brown Dining Services, fuck it, the Ratty is thinkin’ it might take a stab at goulash tonight. “Yeah screw it, give it a go,” said Director of Dining Services Graham Guey. “Who cares, might as well take a crack at it.” At press time, shit, whatever, the Vdub’s gonna give gumbo a whirl.

Report: Awww! New Campus Therapy Dog Just Tore Apart That Squirrel | Oct 31 2022

Sources on the Main green report that, awwwwww, an adorable new campus therapy dog is tearing apart a squirrel with his teeth. “Awww, look how cute she is!” re- marked student Jane Whitaker, watching teeth-bearing therapy dog Elvy bound after a traumatized squirrel.

US News Ranks Brown First For Concealing Your Prep School Background | Oct 31 2022

Releasing their 2022 college rankings, US News & World Report has ranked Brown as the best college environment for concealing the fact that you went to prep school. “Though we want to make sure NYU and Amherst aren’t forgotten in the hype, there truly is no place like Brown for camouflaging yourself as someone who had an educational experience that could even remotely be described as average,” said top US News university analyst Silvio Choi.

DPS Warning Not Timely Enough | Oct 31 2022

Reports indicate that DPS’s recent timely warning wasn’t nearly timely enough. “The Brown University Department of Public Safety was notified of an incident at approximately 9:00 AM today,” began the 11:00 PM email. “It is our expectation that this message will allow students to promptly leave the affected area and take swift measures to protect themselves.” At press time, DPS urged students to avoid assault by being extra aware of their surroundings.

Classmate Nowhere Good Enough Artist To Justify Such Expensive Pens | Oct 31 2022

According to her classmates, Julia Puck ‘26 is nowhere near good enough an artist to justify her use of fancy pens. “When I first saw them, I was kind of confused. She never does more than just take some notes, and, maybe once in a while, a little doodle of a flower or an eyeball in the margin.

University Public Health Officials Concocting New Virus In Desperate Bid To Stay Relevant | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that scholars in the Brown University School of Public Health are hard at work manufacturing the release of a new virus in order to regain their relevance. “I just really miss feeling important,” said the dean of the School of Public Health, Dr.

Everyone In The Underground Pretending They In A Real Coffee Shop | Oct 31 2022

Typing away on their laptops as though they weren’t working on plastic tables in a room staffed by students in barista costumes, everyone in The Underground is pretending they’re in a real coffee shop. “This is one of my favorite places to come grab a drink and a pastry anywhere in Providence” said junior Jason Depot, pretending he was sipping a fair-trade dark roast in a local coffee house and not just drinking coffee sourced from a real cafe in the basement of the Stephen Robert ’62 Campus Center.

University Laments Unpredictable Flooding That Occurs Every Time It Rains | Oct 31 2022

Earlier this week, Brown University officials expressed frustration over the impossible-to-foresee flooding of buildings across campus that flood every time it rains. “There is just absolutely no way to predict the way that rain flows from high areas to low areas, and prepare for that fact,” stated a genuinely baffled unnamed University official.

A Capella Group Under Impression Their Show’s Tickets Have Monetary Value | Oct 31 2022

Begrudgingly pulling out their wallets, annoyed sources report that Brown Uni- versity a capella group Bearly Harmonic is under the impression that tickets to their upcoming show have monetary value. “Hey there, are you interested in attending the a capella show of the semester for just $5?” called member Sammy Garth from across the Main Green, utterly convinced that passersby would pay to listen to poorly arranged hip hop covers.

Student Really Overselling Fascination With Flightless Dung Beetles For Free Kabob And Curry At Department-Sponsored Seminar | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that sophomore Brent Walker is really overselling his fascination with flightless dung beetles for free Kabob & Curry at department-sponsored seminar. “When I saw the announcement in Today@Brown last week about this thrilling biology seminar, I practically collapsed out of excitement,” explained Walker, staring in awe at the mountain of chicken tikka masala on his plate.

Brown Facilities To Replace Broken Laundry Machines With Washboards And Clotheslines | Oct 31 2022

Unable to shake their giddy smiles, the Brown Facilities Management recently announced plans to replace broken laundry machines with washboards and clotheslines. “We believe that this is the perfect initiative to work toward a greener and more environmentally conscious community,” wrote Director of Facilities Management Joseph Belford in an email to the Brown community, adding that the changes include students traipsing down to the Providence River with a metal pail for water and a rag that used to be part of grandma’s apron.

Freshman Friend Group Frantically Brainstorming 19-Person Costume | Oct 31 2022

As Halloweekend approaches, a freshman friend group is desperately trying to come up with a 19-person group costume. “Maybe we could go as the cast of Gossip Girl, but like also the characters who only had a one-episode storyline,” suggested leader of the group Renee Crinkle, certain that these 19 people would be her best friends for the rest of college.

Plants On Front Of Stage Indicate University Isn’t Fucking Around | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that Brown University admin have put plants on the front of the stage to indicate that they’re not fucking around. “Someone important must be here to speak,” said freshman Ian Johnson as he passed by the Salomon auditorium, noticing the diverse and elaborate display of flora lining the front of the stage.

Guy With Three Guitars In Dorm Only Plays A Little Bit, Not Really That Much | Oct 31 2022

Junior James Clarkson, who keeps three guitars in his dorm, only plays a little and not actually a ton, he says. “I’m definitely not a big guitar player, but here’s my acoustic guitar. I’ve had it forever, but not, like, super long. I would play for you, but I’m not great.

Professor Tops Off Soul-Crushing Problem Set With Silliest Word Problem Starring Self | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that math professor Clarence Field just wrapped up the most brutal problem set imaginable with a silly little word problem featuring himself. The assignment consisted of nine painful multivariable calculus problems, including one that mathematicians have deemed insolvable, as well as a quirky little autobiographical word problem.

Student Lets Out Unconvincing “Ohhh” After Failing To Understand Explanation A Third Time | Oct 31 2022

After the exaggerated “ohhh” that left student John Berry’s mouth, it was clear he did not understand the explanation. “First he crossed his arms, leaned back and said ‘hmmm’ like he was thinking, but he held that position for too long to be convincing,” said Berry’s Calculus TA Susie Knowlings.

Report: It Unclear Exactly What The Indy Independent From | Oct 31 2022

According to a recent survey of Brown University student publications, it’s unclear precisely what The College Hill Independent, known as ‘The Indy,” thinks it’s independent from. “When The Indy briefly lost its SAO funding earlier this semester due to a logistics miscommunication, my first thought was, ‘Wait, they receive university funding?’” said Indy reader Lara Saltzmann ‘25, confused about how the Indy is any more independent than any other club at Brown.

170 Person Mailroom Line All Worth It After Tearing Open Fresh Pack Of 16 Command Strips | Oct 31 2022

After watching the sun rise and set through the first floor windows of Page- Robinson Hall, freshman Theo Spitzer is relieved that 170-person mailroom line proved to be completely worth the wait once he tore into a fresh pack of 16 com- mand strips.

Student Without Earbuds In Nelson Has To Lift To Bon Iver | Oct 31 2022

After losing his airpods last Thursday, sophomore Simon Hernandez was allegedly forced to listen to Bon Iver while lifting at the Nelson. “I just don’t get how they pick songs. I can’t bench 225 listening to the wistful, indie folk pop lyrics of Skinny Love, it totally ruins the vibe,” reported Hernandez.

Anatomy Student Caught Cheating During Midterm By Glancing At Mirror | Oct 31 2022

Anatomy student Luke Williams ‘26 is being charged with academic misconduct after allegedly looking at his reflection in a classroom window during an exam. “I was sitting in Friedman taking my anatomy midterm, and I needed to refresh my memory so I took a quick peek at myself in the reflection from the window.” said Williams, denying any wrongdoing.

Brown University To Shut Down After Failing To Attend Mandatory SAO Workshop | Oct 31 2022

Since its founding in 1764 by 18th-century baptists, Brown has grown from a small college to one of the world’s most prestigious universities. However, after 258 years of accreditation, Brown University officially shut down today after failing to attend a mandatory SAO event planning workshop.

DPS Email Reveals Most Hurtful Non-Lethal Projectiles: Words | Oct 31 2022

In a timely warning email to the campus community, the Brown Department of Public Safety revealed the most hurtful non-lethal projectiles: words. “After a lengthy review we have concluded that bb gun pellets can leave blisters on the skin’s surface,” explained head of DPS Stanley Thumms, writing the campus-wide email wearing a baggy cashmere sweater and sipping warm chamomile tea.

Clever A Capella Group Now Incorporating Instruments To Distinguish Itself | Oct 31 2022

According to campus sources, Brown’s newest a capella group, the Orchestars, has distinguished itself from campus’ many other a cappella groups through playing instruments alongside the classic all-vocal style. The Orchestars’ groundbreaking fall show consisted of a glorious mix of discordant instruments that nearly covered up the group’s vocal harmonies and beat-boxing.

CS-Econ TA Leads Ice Breaker of Naming Favorite Insidious Global Conglomerates | Oct 31 2022

Sources in a discussion section for ECON1300 Transnational Digital Labor Markets report that CS-Econ TA Eller Van Smythe III lead an icebreaker of nam- ing everyone’s favorite insidious global conglomerates. “Mine has definitely got to be Meta,” Van Smythe said to his discussion section of future white-collar criminals.

Consulting Club Members Develop Strong Passion for Consulting | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that members of ConsultingPAX, one of the consulting clubs at Brown, have somehow developed a strong passion for consulting. “It’s all about the thrill of solving real-world problems," exclaimed e-board member Duncan Klein, completing his fourth hour of data entry of the day.

John Carter Brown Library Construction Halted After Realization No One Ever Been There | Oct 31 2022

A recent statement by the Brown Cor- poration Board of Trustees announced that the current construction on the John Carter Brown Library will be halted after the realization that no one has ever been there. “The renovation of the John Carter Brown library was a very exciting initiative that we on the Board expected to have a huge positive impact on students’ ability to access the JCB’s extensive offerings,” said Brown Trustee Frank Krout, using a shredder to dispose of an enormous pile of blueprints and contracts.

Underground To Accept Spoken Word About Your Mother as Currency | Oct 31 2022

Nodding their heads in appreciation and snapping when they hear something they like, sources report that student-run coffee shop The Underground is accepting spoken word about your mother as currency. “Your oat latte is either $6.75 or a two-to-five minute performance detailing how your mother used to tenderly braid your hair, but stopped when you turned thirteen,” said barista Greer Buckles, preparing a microphone for the impromptu poetry slam.

Report: This Corner Of The Table Really Bad At Rage Cage | Oct 31 2022

Super bored and offering half-hearted encouragement to their struggling gamemates, a local source reported that this corner of the table was really bad at Rage Cage. “Yeah this game is harder than it looks. I get that the table is sticky, and maybe someone could turn the lights on, but that entire corner of the table is atrociously bad at the one objective in the game," said Rory Chapman ’26, having already grabbed Jo’s and come back while the players from the corner chased the ball around the room.

Student Approved For Emotional Support Live-In Boyfriend | Oct 31 2022

Student Brenda Jacks has become the first student approved for an emotional support live-in boyfriend. “He’s here all the time,” says Jack’s suitemate Linda Shells, “When she leaves he just waits by the door for her to get back.” “She says he gets two walks a day, endless belly rubs, and a few hours of playtime on the XBOX” Shells told us, “but once she left him in here alone over a long weekend.

Friend Group Going As Minions Not United In Whether It Ironic | Oct 31 2022

According to sources close to the group of six sophomores living in Minden, the friend group is clearly not united in whether their decision to dress as Minions together for Halloween is ironic or not. “It’s a mess. Some of them are half-naked, dressed as ‘slutty minions,’ and some of them are in full facepaint and everything,” said David Ortega ‘25, the host of the Halloween party the group attended, confirming that they should have maybe had a deeper discussion about their intentions beforehand.

Dorm Halloween Party Only Scary In A Fire-Safety Violation Kind Of Way | Oct 31 2022

Sources at a crowded Halloween party in the basement of Caswell confirm that the event is only really scary in a fire-safety kind of way. “No one here is dressed as anything spooky and the only decoration here is a LED strip light set to orange,” said sophomore Oren Baker, who wasn’t scared by the costumes or music, but more so that if there were to be a fire, very few people would be able to make it out alive.