The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Oct 31 2022 issue)

Bird Just Gonna Sit On Telephone Wire Until It Dies | Oct 31 2022

Sources close to a local sparrow confirm that he’s content to sit on the same telephone wire until he dies. “I stopped here for a quick rest during my annual migration south, and then I just kinda stayed for a bit,” the sparrow said, wrapping his bird feet tight around the wire.

Report: Indie Boy Will Fuck You Up Three Months For Every Necklace He Wears | Oct 31 2022

According to a recent report released by the Journal of Non-Mainstream Be- havior, an indie boy will fuck you up three months for every necklace he wears. “The composition doesn’t matter: pearl choker, classic chain, ironic cross, or beaded yarn that spells out ‘eat the rich,’” said lead researcher Rodney Bishop, running some tests to see if thrifted necklaces produce different results from those purchased at Urban Outfitters.

Newly Legalized Recreational Marijuana In Rhode Island Means 21+ Year Old Brown Students Can Finally Smoke Weed | Oct 31 2022

Rhode Island plans to allow dispensaries to begin selling recreational cannabis starting on December 1st, meaning students on campus will be able to try marijuana for the first time ever. “I’m really excited to smoke weed for the first time ever! I’m super thankful for all the Rhode Island legislators and activists that are making it possible for students on campus to finally try pot! ” said Tyler Thigsburton ‘23, with the air of a small child going trick or treating.

Area Man Feeling Like Sex Machine After Putting On Roommate’s Cologne | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that area man Simon Byrne is feeling like a sex machine after putting on his roommate Jeff ’s cologne. “Man, I feel like I’m exuding pheromones right now!” Byrne declared after spraying some of Jeff’s Chanel Eau d’Homme on every surface of his body.

Fake ID Look Super Real Except For Name, Age, Address, Photo, Texture | Oct 31 2022

According to squinting sources, sophomore Barry Fenton’s fake ID looks super real except for the name, age, address, photo, and texture. “It’s almost perfect,” Fenton said proudly, trying his very best to look the part of a 26-year-old named Broderich Plumlet-Manterfield.

Area Man Eating Qdoba Even Though He Not In Airport | Oct 31 2022

According to Doordash driver Wilson Lawlor, he was tasked with picking up an area man’s food from the Mexican chain restaurant Qdoba, even though the man wasn’t even stuck in an airport. “I’m a bit confused why anyone would eat Qdoba in the real world; I had assumed that you only ate Qdoba when you had to kill time during a layover,” said Lawlor a bit shocked to drive up to the Fall River, Massachusetts Qdoba and see that the chain really does exist outside of airports.

Snivelly Guy The Type To Ask Genie For More Wishes | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that snivelly guy Cyrus Jones, who can be found at the Atheneum conspicuously reading ‘Infinite Jest,’ is totally the type to use his one wish to ask a genie for more wishes. “Most of his sentences seem to start with ‘Um, actually,” then he launches into some semantic analysis of why ev- erything you just said was wrong,” said classmate Nicki Dermott, sideways glancing in Jones’ direction.

Regular Depression To Be Called Seasonal Depression Now That It October | Oct 31 2022

Local woman Meghan Donovan has started referring to her regular depression as “seasonal” now that it’s October. “It’s just been so hard finding joy in my life now that it’s cloudy and cold all the time and my seasonal depression is kicking in,” said Donovan, ignoring the fact that she’s taken Prozac every morning for the past three years.

Fun Airplane Safety Video Teaches Passengers How To Die Painlessly In Ocean Via Song | Oct 31 2022

Injecting a bit of silly fun into its flights, United Airlines has replaced its boring pre- flight announcement with a fun, new safety video that teaches passengers how to die painlessly in the ocean via song. “The music video began on the streets of Rio De Janeiro, where a slow-motion shot captured the eclectic joy of Carnival,” said delighted sources watching the video, which is the only thing ensuring their watery deaths won’t be agonizing and slow.

Hunter Scrambling To Protect Endangered Species So He Can Get Chance To Shoot Them | Oct 31 2022

In response to the endless stream of disheartening news stories, local hunter Tanner Klunk is scrambling to protect the world’s endangered species so he doesn’t miss out on the chance to go shoot them. “Someone has to look out for these species, and I’m taking it upon myself to help in any way I can,” Klunk said, polishing the barrel of his shotgun with an oily rag.

Report: Mom Talking About Nightly Newscaster Like They Were High School Sweethearts | Oct 31 2022

According to a recent report, mere minutes into the 7:00 PM news, local mom Ellie Wahlberg was talking about nightly newscaster like they were high school sweethearts. “Oh my gosh, I love when he wears that suit. I always hope he wears it be- cause he seems so confident in it,” said Wahlberg, eyes transfixed on the TV while fiddling with her braid as though this stranger on TV was the man to whom she lost her virginity on that moonlit evening after junior prom.

Trader Joe's Going To Gentrify Community, Claims Student At Whole Foods | Oct 31 2022

From inside a Whole Foods, junior Maria Mather claimed that Trader Joe’s is going to gentrify the local community. “It’s going to seriously drive up prop- erty values,” said Mather, inside a Whole Foods that used to be a local antique shop and a mom-and-pop grocery store.

Cowboy Wonderin' What A Darlin’ Little Lady Like You Doing In A Saloon Like This | Oct 31 2022

According to recent reports, that cowboy over there’s real darn curious what a darlin’ little lady like you is doin’ in a saloon like this. “Now howdy there, little lady. I ain’t one to intrude,” he said, tipping his straw hat and twirling the pistols on each of his hips.

Friend With Car Demoted in Group Hierarchy to Downton Abbey-Era Chauffeur | Oct 31 2022

Sources report that Kevin Baker, a friend with a car, has been demoted in his group hierarchy to a Downton Abbey-era chauffeur. “My buddies used to, like, to hang out with me for me,” Baker said from the kitchen as his friends dined in the drawing room.

Goofy Passengers Draw Penis On Forehead Of Passed Out Pilot | Oct 31 2022

Chortling in a huddled circle, a bunch of silly pranksters Sharpied a penis onto the forehead of their passed-out pilot. "My favorite moment was when Steve added a few curly pubes to the balls," said goof-off Evan Gregs, hurtling over the Atlantic Ocean at 750 miles per hour.

Old Black And White Map Super Unclear Which Part Ocean And Which Land | Oct 31 2022

According to sources at sea, shitty 18th- century sea captain Pino “No-Beard” Di- Angelo says his black and white map makes it super hard to tell which part is land and which is ocean. “Well, if the ocean is this inside part here, then we have a loooong way to go before we even see land,” said DiAngelo, holding the map upside down.

Trader Joe’s Trying To Convince You That Pumpkin Spice Calamari A Thing | Oct 31 2022

Sources report from the frozen aisle that Trader Joe’s is trying to convince you that pumpkin spice calamari is a thing. “Mmm...bite into an autumnal taste of the seashore!” read the Trader Joe’s pack- aging, asserting that pumpkin spice cala- mari was a perfectly normal food item to consume.

Skeleton So Obsessed With Rattling His Bones | Oct 31 2022

To the chagrin of visitors to Swan Point Cemetery, a skeleton who hangs out there is reportedly so obsessed with rattling his bones. “Ugh, there he goes again,” said a disgruntled man visiting his family plot, covering his ears as the skeleton walked by with a loping, jangly gait, his bones clicking and clacking noisily.

Haunted House Would Be Much More Useful As Haunted Multifamily Unit | Oct 31 2022

According to New England housing justice nonprofit ROOFS, a new Warwick haunted house attraction “Mansion of Frights” would be much more useful as a haunted multifamily unit. “We feel that in this ongoing housing crisis, it is simply irresponsible to be constructing such large buildings that are only meant to house one family of vengeful Victorian spirits,” said ROOFS outreach coordinator Jennifer Ryan at a growing protest at the gnarled gates to the haunted house.