The Brown Noser

Local Farmer Still Not Really Sure How Big An Acre Is | Apr 14 2023

New research suggests that local farmer, Pat Gershon, still isn’t really sure how big an acre is. “My family’s been farming on this Rhode Island land for five generations, and we still use the same measurements,” Gershon said, surveying his fields without any real comprehension of the units of distance which comprise them.

Princess Theme Kinda Ruins Intervention | Apr 14 2023

Reports have indicated that Greg’s intervention really got undercut by whoever gave it a princess theme. “We all came ready to like…cry,” said Greg’s friend Dave, referring to what was supposed to be a heartfelt conversation about Greg’s addiction.

Museums Still Under Impression That Standing For Long Time Fun | Apr 14 2023

According to area curator Sloane Pendergrath, museums are still under the impression that standing for a long time is fun. “When I design an exhibit, I know visitors prefer to bask in the beauty of the art while their knees lock and the soles of their feet cry out in pain,” noted Pendergrath, meandering through a vast gallery with a single folding chair as the only source of seating.

CDC Advises Nation To Stay Away From Grandpa When He Starts Coughing Like That | Apr 14 2023

Addressing the nation from a televised broadcast, the CDC advised to stay away from Grandpa when he’s coughing like that. “We are working hard to identify his illness, but he’s kinda at that age where it could be anything,” said a CDC spokesperson, noting that Grandpa’s smoker lungs make just about anything sound like a death rattle.

Dad Just Gonna Watch The Suitcases While Everyone Grabs Food | Apr 14 2023

On Saturday evening in Boston Logan Airport, area dad Jim Ferguson reported that he was just gonna watch the suitcases while everyone grabs food. “Go on ahead you guys. I’ll stay here with the bags,” said Ferguson, distributing backpacks and jackets to claim all the chairs around him.

Influencer Somehow Has Favorite Brand of Stapler | Apr 14 2023

Tapping through a 51-slide Instagram story, sources report that influencer Della Lowe somehow has an “absolute favorite” brand of stapler. “Guys, I am in LOVE with this Bostitch office stapler. It just glides through packets of up to 40 pages like BUTTERR,” cooed Lowe, who usually sticks to enthusiastic endorsements of multivitamins, brow gels, and caftans.

Man Didn’t Even Consider Touching Wall Until Wet Paint Sign Put Up | Apr 14 2023

According to local sources, area man Gus Edelstein suddenly wants to touch that wall in his apartment building now that there’s a wet paint sign asking him not to. “I’ve probably walked past this wall hundreds of times,” said Edelstein as he paced back and forth in front of the new sign.

Mosquito Not Repelled, Just Repulsed By You | Apr 14 2023

Mosquito sources report that your mosquito repellant isn’t effective, mosquitos are just repulsed by you. “Yeah, it’s not like I’m a huge fan of citronella, but that’s not what actually turns me off. It’s you. Like, you as a person,” stated a local mosquito who’s been flying around your face but refuses to actually bite you.

Report: Crystals Powerless Against Shitty Personality | Apr 14 2023

Despite the common belief of crystals being all-powerful in the improvement of daily life, a recent study found that crystals are powerless against fixing a shitty personality. “Crystals have many legitimate powers, like healing, energy channeling, relaxation,” said crystal enthusiast Jasper Gillette, unaware that his spiritual pebbles do have their limits when faced with his terrible character.

Report: Weenie Dog’s Wittle Wegs Move Weally Fast | Apr 14 2023

According to a recent report, that wittle weenie dog’s wegs are moving weally fast.“His wittle body is so long and his wittle wegs are so short,” said witness Alice Spencer, watching the sausage-shaped dog struggle to keep up with his regular-shaped friend walking down Thayer St.

Stupid Toddler On Easter Putting All His Eggs In One Basket | Apr 14 2023

Sources report that this Easter, area toddler Hayden Green is foolishly putting all of his eggs in one basket. “What a bonehead, stacking up his candy-filled plastic assets like that,” commented family friend Michael McBride, unable to understand how Green could be so utterly shortsighted as he watched the three-year-old participate in his family’s annual egg hunt.

Unclear If Doctor’s Hand Wet or Just Cold | Apr 14 2023

Flinching on the examination table, sources report that it is up for debate whether area doctor Linda Johnson’s hand is wet, or just cold. “Don’t worry about it, your hands feel fine!” patient Kendra Bunch reassured her doctor, recoiling from Dr.

Area Man’s Jeans A Little Too Skinny | Apr 14 2023

Area man Rowan Nichols blissfully unaware that his skinny jeans may be a little too skinny. “They looked killer on the model at Abercrombie, so I knew I had to give them a go,” remarked Nichols, amidst a painfully taut walk to class in which he could only manage to take nanoscopic strides.

Friends Arguing About Who Would Survive Zombie Apocalypse As If Any Of Them Can Digest Dairy | Apr 14 2023

Embroiled in a heated debate about who would survive the zombie apocalypse, a local friend group seems to have forgotten that not one of them can digest dairy. “Between my steadfast composure and relentless grit, I’m confident that I could tackle any stressful situation, including a global zombie apocalypse,” said Lara Klein, whose gastrointestinal tract will literally implode if she eats one slice of cheddar cheese.

Guy Who Drinks Water From Mason Jar Has No Idea Everyone Hates Him | Apr 14 2023

According to sources familiar with the subject, junior and mason jar aficionado Rory Buchanan has no idea he is universally despised. “I’m sorry, would you like something to drink? Let me pour you a jar,” said Buchanan, unaware that his friends and family avoid him at all costs.

Handshake Incredibly Wet | Apr 14 2023

Area woman’s Handshake with friend was incredibly wet. “It was almost unbelievably wet,” recalls Sarah Johnson, drying her hand with a paper towel, “not even moist, just…sopping.” “First time I thought the bathroom was out of paper towels,” said Johnson recounting previous run ins with her friend’s wet hands, “but this has been happening for months, and he’s just getting wetter.” “This last time his hand just slipped right out of mine,” said Johnson, now wiping her hands on her jeans, “It’s got to be a safety hazard at this point, they’re dripping enough to leave behind puddles.” At press time, area man left chair incredibly warm after getting up..

Off Campus (Apr 14 2023 issue)