The Brown Noser

Freshman Excited To Start Building Large, Diverse Group Of Student Loans | Sep 14 2018

Cheerfully thinking about her next four years at Brown, freshman Martina Smith reported that she’s excited to start building a large, diverse group of student loans. “When I decided to come to Brown,” Smith reported, “I knew I was going to be exposed to enormous amounts of diverse debt, and that I’d start to create a group of completely unique loans with different interest rates, enrollment processes, and repayment schedules.

Starbucks Debuts Lukewarm Brew For Those Temperate, 60-Degree Days | Sep 14 2018

In a press conference on Thursday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced the chain’s plans for a new, lukewarm brew coffee that’ll be perfect on temperate, 60-degree days. “If you can’t decide on iced or hot coffee when it’s cool, yet also humid, you’ll love our new Lukewarm Brew," Johnson announced, explaining that Starbucks is capitalizing on a gaping hole in the market for a versatile coffee blend that hits the spot in any climate.

“Call A BRV If You Ever Can’t Get Into The PHUB,” Says RPL Who’s Just Making Up Acronyms At This Point | Sep 14 2018

After she gave the advice to “Call a BRV if you ever can’t get into the PHUB”, it became clear that RPL Amanda Jennings was just making up acronyms during the first unit meeting of the year. “Try to register for a PRG class if you can,” Jennings told first years after running out of real acronyms to use during the first five minutes of the meeting.

Busy Student Sets Lecture Capture To 2x Speed To Learn Absolutely Nothing Twice As Fast | Sep 14 2018

With her first midterms quickly approaching, busy freshman Lindsay Mornet has decided to watch lecture capture at 2x speed to learn absolutely nothing twice as fast. “If your course has lecture capture, you can actually set it to play at up to twice the speed,” Mornet said.

Mueller Finds The Real Collusion Was The Friends We Made Along The Way | Sep 14 2018

After over a year of investigating Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, U.S. Special Counsel and former director of the FBI Robert Mueller announced that the real collusion was, in fact, the friends we made along the way.

Hip Marketer Suggests Changing Letter ’S' To ‘Z' At End Of Word | Sep 14 2018

In an effort to appeal to a younger target demographic, hip marketer Jessica Descalso suggested that her client California Raisins change the letter “S” at the end of their product’s name to a “Z”. “Your company needs some new branding tactics,” explained Descalso.

CS Concentrator Hopes Summer Sun's Vitamin D Carries Her Through Rest Of Year | Sep 14 2018

Returning to school sun-tanned and energized, senior Joanne Murphy is counting on the vitamin D her body produced during the last several months to tide her over until next year. “Once I hunker down to work on my assignments, I doubt I’ll be getting any more vitamin D than what I brought back from break,” lamented Murphy, who hopes her summer dose will keep her bones from decalcifying while she pursues a degree in computer science.

Brown In Denver Summer Meetup Just Chuck | Sep 14 2018

Sources report that a recent Brown summer meetup in Denver, Colorado was only attended by sophomore Chuck Mathers. “I’m from the East Coast but I had gotten an email about this so I assumed others would be going as well,” said Mathers, standing by a single bowl of chips on the designated Brown event table.

Professor Shopping Classes Can't Decide Which Ones To Teach | Sep 14 2018

As shopping period draws to a close, Professor Adlai Woodsworth reports that he is still having trouble choosing which courses to teach. “A lot of classes overlap so it’s hard to make a schedule that works,” Woodsworth said, reviewing the courses in his CAB cart again.

Freshman Excited For Blank Slate Unaware That Character Flaws Will Eventually Be Exposed In New Environment | Sep 14 2018

Sources report that freshman Zain Kumar, who is excited for a fresh start, is completely unaware that his character flaws will inevitably be exposed to everyone in this new environment. “This is a fresh start in a brand new community,” declared Kumar confidently, not knowing that his professors will quickly find out about his habitual tardiness and tendency to sleep during lecture.

Brown Administrators Wondering If Educating Students Is Still A Viable Business Plan After End-Of-Year Fiscal Evaluation | Sep 14 2018

After its annual fiscal evaluation, University administrators are now debating whether educating students is still a viable business plan for the upcoming year. “The evaluation revealed that an overwhelming majority of the University’s expenses are educational in nature,” said Theresia Gouw, Treasurer of the University.

Orientation Provides A Cappella Groups With Single, Glorious Night Of Relevance | Sep 14 2018

As students arrived on campus for first-year orientation, a cappella groups assembled for their single, glorious night of relevance. The annual orientation archsing found droves of vocalists looking to dazzle new students and get their fill of attention for the long year ahead.

Incoming Class Entering Brown With Unique Backgrounds, Ideas, And Ways To Vape | Sep 14 2018

According to a recent article published by the University, the 1,900 students that have been admitted to the Brown Class of 2022 represent unique backgrounds, ideas, and ways of vaping. “I am incredibly excited about our new class,” reports Ron Craig, a chief admissions officer.

Williams College Provost Keeps Asking Maud Mandel Why She Hasn’t Deleted Paxson's Phone Number | Sep 14 2018

Sources report that the Provost of Williams College, David Love, keeps asking Maud Mandel why she hasn’t deleted Christina Paxson’s phone number from her phone. According to Love, Mandel is with Williams now and shouldn’t flaunt how attached she still is to her old workplace.

Tour Group Going To Lose Their Goddamn Minds Over This Giant Game Of Tetris Fact | Sep 14 2018

Leading his group of prospective students and their parents toward the SciLi, tour guide Darnell Dowd knew he was about to blow their goddamn minds with the incredible story of the Tetris game that once lit up the entire face of the building. “This Tetris tidbit works like a charm every time,” Dowd said coolly, preparing to drop the bombshell fun fact.

Student Seamlessly Transitions From Wine On The Seine To PBR In Caswell Basement | Sep 14 2018

Upon returning to campus from a romantic, culturally stimulating semester in Paris, senior Heather Chu experienced an entirely seamless transition from sipping wine on the Seine to shot-gunning PBR in Caswell basement. “I had an amazing time abroad, but honestly, I can’t believe how right it feels jamming my keys into the side of this shitty can,” stated Chu, peeling her feet off the beer-stained linoleum.

“Best Weekend Of My Life,” Reports Sweaty Freshman Standing In Inch Of Beer In John Street Basement | Sep 14 2018

Sweating hard and standing in an inch of beer at an off-campus basement party on John Street, freshman Eddie Kirkwood reported that this was the best weekend of his life. “This is exactly what I hoped college would be like,” Kirkwood reported, willfully ignoring the feeling of beer soaking into his sock after accidently stepping in a particularly deep puddle.

Meiklejohn Not Actually Happy To Get Coffee Whenever | Sep 14 2018

Sources report that despite giving out his phone number and generic advice on general subjects at the end of their first advising meeting, Meiklejohn Jordy Houston, would not actually be happy to get coffee whenever. “Oh, yeah, I guess I said that I was their student guide and here for anything they need, be it academic or social or anything,” explained Houston when reached for a comment, “But c’mon.

Freshman Active In Dorm GroupMe Exactly As Annoying As Expected | Sep 14 2018

Members of Unit 4 report that after move-in day, the first unit meeting, and orientation activities, it had become clear to them that the freshman who had been active in the dorm GroupMe was exactly as annoying as expected. “When I first found out housing," recalled Cindy Lei.

Mom On Tour Really Picking Up Slack For Quiet Son | Sep 14 2018

According to other families on this morning’s campus tour, high school senior James Barrett’s mom was really picking up the slack for her quiet son. “My son was involved with Habitat for Humanity in high school,” Mrs. Barrett told their tour guide as James drifted quietly to the back of the group.

New Friedman Hall Not To Be Confused With Friedman Study Center, Friedman Auditorium, Or Friedman Gourmet Ole | Sep 14 2018

In a recent email to members of the Brown community, President Christina Paxson stated that the newly renovated Friedman Hall, formerly known as Wilson Hall, should not be confused with Friedman Study Center, Friedman Auditorium, or Friedman Gourmet Ole.

Student Proud To See Brown Portrayed In Film As Alma Mater Of Whiny, Privileged Character | Sep 14 2018

Sources report that junior Jimmy Amato was proud to see Brown represented in the movie he watched last night as the alma mater of its most whiny, privileged character. “It was great seeing my school get a shout out on the big screen from the unlikeable, naive, crunchy, privileged journalist character,” said Amato.

Student Processes Entire Study Abroad Experience Through Analogies To U.S. Culture | Sep 14 2018

Sources report that Alan Peters, who spent last Spring studying abroad in Taiwan, processed his entire experience through analogies to U.S. culture. Peters, who took several international affairs classes at National Taiwan University in the capital of Taipei, described the city as the “Washington D.C.

RPLs Clearly Putting In Tiniest Amount Of Effort With Pokemon-Themed Door Signs | Sep 14 2018

According to first-year residents of Morriss Hall, RPLs are clearly putting in the tiniest amount of effort with Pokemon-themed door signs. “Is this really the best they could do?” asked resident Jimmy Moore, gesturing to his Pikachu-shaped sign.

Sophomore Really Getting Off On Giving Advice To Freshmen | Sep 14 2018

As she reclined in her chair and casually spouted tidbits of wisdom for all to hear, sources reported that Sasha Singh ’21 was getting far too much pleasure out of offering guidance to new first years. “She’s enjoying this power imbalance way too much,” complained John Testa ’22, a freshman who asked Singh where the VDub was.

Campus Life (Sep 14 2018 issue)