The Brown Noser

Zookeeper Reassures Crowd That Giraffes Also Plagued By Debilitating Ennui In The Wild | May 12 2023

Sources report that local zookeeper Aaron Brunt is reassuring a concerned crowd that giraffes also suffer from a severe, debilitating feeling of ennui in the wild. “Don’t worry, a sense of utter hopelessness is business as usual for these tall fellows!” said Brunt cheerily, ensuring that no onlookers connected the dots between the giraffes’ run-down enclosure and their subdued demeanor.

Air Force One Passenger Wondering If President Would Mind If They Took Their Shoes Off | May 12 2023

A current passenger on Air Force One, journalist Ari Gelb, is wondering if the president would mind if he took off his shoes on the plane. “This is a really tough call for me,” stated Gelb as he tentatively reached down to the laces of his dress shoes.

Boy Mom Bought These Reinforced Jeans Because Wow Are These Boys Rambunctious | May 12 2023

Sources report that local boy mom McKenzie Logan just bought these reinforced jeans because golly are these boys rowdy. “These jeans are such a lifesaver for a boy mom like me,” said Logan, showing off the pants’ heavy-duty cargo pockets where she stores juice pouches for the thirsty boys.

Dad Sending Wordle to Daughter Like He Didn’t Abandon Family, Leave Them Destitute | May 12 2023

According to local sources, Dad Brendon Crawford has been sending his Wordle results to his daughter Maria like he didn’t abandon his family and leave them destitute a decade ago. “This one was a tough one, but I pulled it out of the bag,” Crawford texted Maria, neglecting the fact that his abrupt departure from the family unit and his refusal to pay child support had forced her to grow up in poverty.

Governess To Only Speak French To The Children On Tuesdays | May 12 2023

Stepping into the manor’s great hall, sources report that area governess Hilda Brimsworth is to only speak French to the children on Tuesdays. “My good woman, you must impart your knowledge from abroad on the children,” said widowed father Edward Tillings, desperate for the aid of a gentle, yet firm, feminine hand in raising his three young wards.

National Geographic Launching Campaign To Save Only Photogenic Wildlife | May 12 2023

The National Geographic Magazine, famous for their environmental and geographical photography, is proud to announce their newest conservation initiative: saving only the most photogenic wildlife from extinction. “Let’s be honest. People don’t want to see those weird little shits.

Nation’s Private Eyes Announce Plans to Peek Over Newspaper At You | May 12 2023

America’s Private Eyes have just publicly announced their plans to sit and subtly peek over their newspaper at you from afar. “You won’t see us there, but we’ll see you,” whispered private eye Nate Degrasse into the payphone he was using to call you.

Report: Fuck It, Man Gonna Buy Sandwich At Metro Mart | May 12 2023

Running low on time for lunch, junior Ronald Jeefers is swallowing his pride and buying a sandwich from Metro Mart. “I usually come in here to buy a lighter or Snickers bar, but I really need to eat before my section. I’m out of options. It’s either eat this mystery bodega sandwich or starve,” stated Jeefers as he walked past the snacks and the cooler of old fruit to the dark corner of Metro Mart which houses the empty deli case.

Report: Get Out Of Here! | May 12 2023

According to local sources, you need to get the hell out of here! “We’re talking to you! Yeah, you! You better get out of here before we MAKE you get out!” stated an individual who is clearly tired of you sticking around here. “You heard me. You need to put your ass in gear and get your ugly face out of here! Scram! Vamoose! Blow!” At press time, sources reported yeah, and stay out!

Report: How ‘Bout Something Warm For The Lad? Christ's Sake Look At Him He’s Practically Freezing To Death | May 12 2023

According to a report from the wharf, that lad could use a warm blanket and a hot cup of soup because, Christ’s sake, look at him, he’s damn near hypothermic. “That boy, workin’ his tail off out freezing cold, not a coat or nothin’ on him,” said the boy’s bunkmate Cecil Druthers.

Split Screen TikTok Features Thoughtful Commentary On Violence of Urban Gentrification, Duolingo Owl Twerking | May 12 2023

Sources report that a split screen TikTok is featuring a thoughtful commentary on the violence of urban gentrification alongside the Duolingo Owl twerking. “What we’re seeing now is workers at new, huge companies moving in and driving out the old-timers,” the speaker said, directly to the left of the Duolingo mascot, who was absolutely throwing ass.

Tucker Carlson Seen Standing Outside Rupert Murdoch’s Window Holding Boombox | May 12 2023

Reports say Tucker Carlson was seen late last night standing on Rupert Murdoch’s front lawn holding up a boombox playing “Apologize” by OneRepublic. “Yeah I saw him, he was wearing a letterman jacket with a big F on the front,” reported Murdoch’s neighbor Lizzy McCormick.

Four-Month-Old Sponge Absolutely Not Making That Pan Cleaner | May 12 2023

According to sources in an off-campus kitchen, that four-month-old sponge is absolutely not going to make that pan any cleaner. “At this point, I would just make the pan even dirtier if I used this sponge,” said senior Sarah Lenane, staring at her house’s communal sponge, which has not been replaced in ninety days despite scrubbing food, grease, and saliva off of dishes on a regular basis.

Girl Knows Position Of Mercury During Time Of Birth But Not Social Security Number | May 12 2023

Despite knowing the exact position of Mercury at the very second she was born, sophomore Kelly Richardson does not know her social security number. “On June 7th, 2003, at 9:37 am, Mercury entered the constellation of Taurus,” said Richardson, who cannot remember the nine simple digits that verify her U.S.

Grandma Trying To Set You Up With Local Target Worker | May 12 2023

According to a new text, your grandma is trying to set you up with a local Target worker. “He’s a handsome young man, this one,” read your grandma’s text, followed by links to a religious dating advice website. “He says he is single. And he is 21.

Local Woman Desperately Tries To Salvage Awkward Date By Asking, “Do You Like Bread?” | May 12 2023

Local woman Aden Doyle recently attempted to salvage an awkward first date by boldly asking “ya like bread?” “You surely mess around with Pumpernickel?” asked Aden, pointing to the basket of assorted Cheesecake Factory bread sitting on the table.

Medieval Butter-Churning Party Going To Be Total Bust After Death Of Family Milk Cow | May 12 2023

Medieval peasant Bartholomew Chestershire’s butter-churning party is going to be a total bust after the death of his family milk cow. “How now shall I throw mine butter-churning party with no milk? I hath spent a fortnight’s wages on a half dozen loaves of bread from the village market, and twas all for naught!” remarked Chestershire after tuning the fiddler’s mandolin for the evening’s music.

Nation’s Dogs Announce Plans To Sagely Stare Into Traffic While Shitting Entire Breakfast Onto Curb | May 12 2023

In a statement released to the general public last Wednesday, the nation’s canine population announced they are going to stoically stare into oncoming cars while excreting their entire breakfast onto the curb. “It is indeed moments like these that are paradoxically full of chaos but also brimming with serenity, that we find our true selves,” sighed leader of the nation’s dogs Fido Coco-Fuzzy as he pushed to move his bowels on the side of the street as cars zoomed past.

Report: Mischief Afoot | May 12 2023

According to sources at Brown University, mischief is afoot. “Don’t ask me how I know, but I know. There is definitely mischief afoot on this campus,” Stated DPS Officer Horatio Cuffs, sniffing the air suspiciously and checking underneath traffic cones for any possible signs of mischief.

Report: Petition Signed 240% More When Petitioner Is Sort of Hot | May 12 2023

Sources report that petitions gained an average of 240% more signatures when the person promoting said petition was mildly hot. “I think the fact that his hair was kinda swoopy and shiny definitely made me care more,” reported sophomore Dana Lowenthal after seeing a moderately hot guy holding a petition.

Report: Spider On Wall Won't Move If You Don't Smoosh It | May 12 2023

The latest reports indicate that the spider on your shower wall will not move as long as you don’t smoosh it. “You just keep showering right there, pal, and I won’t move a single leg,” said the spider perched directly across from your head.

Study Finds Individuals Who Repost Their Birthday Shoutouts On Insta To Be The Most Insufferable, Vain, Arrogant Human Beings To Walk The Planet | May 12 2023

A newly published, groundbreaking study discovered that individuals who repost their birthday shoutouts on Instagram are the most insufferable, vain, arrogant human beings to walk the planet. “There is no sugarcoating the truth – these people are next-level unbearable,” announced Oliver Campbell, the study’s prime researcher, in a press conference with ABC News.

Stupid Fish Still Hasn’t Learned From All Its Dead Friends And Family That Worm Attached To Metal Hook Not Real Food | May 12 2023

Sources report that, unfortunately, this stupid fish still hasn’t learned from all of its dead friends and family that the worm attached to a metal hook is not real food. “Oh my god, look at that gnarly, juicy worm,” exclaimed Mr Sammy Phisher, somehow unaware that the worm was attached to a concerningly sharp metal hook that was 10 times bigger than the worm and could perhaps result in death.

Trendy Restaurant Calling Dim Sum "Asian Tapas" Or Some Shit | May 12 2023

An investigation of Providence’s newest restaurant FAN has revealed that they call dim sum some shit like “asian tapas.” FAN shamelessly describes itself as “a tasteful reimagining of modern fusion that seeks to create a pan-Asian gastronomic experience.” “The Asian tapas portion of our menu is essential to our dining experience,” claimed Colorado-born restaurant owner Willow Sterling.

Unclear if Grandma’s Facebook Hacked or She Just Really Interested in Candy Crush Saga Now | May 12 2023

Sources indicate that Grandma’s Facebook may have been compromised by malicious actors, or maybe she’s just on a big Candy Crush kick right now. “I became worried after receiving 35 notifications inviting me to play Candy Crush Saga,” said teen Ben Wallingford as he scrolled through his grandmother’s Facebook page.

Water Bottle Too Clangy | May 12 2023

Heads turned during a Tuesday morning lecture when freshman Kenzie Adams unsheathed a 128oz Hydro Flask from her backpack, releasing a series of chimes and clangs reminiscent of the Notre-Dame at Mass. “It sounded like she was dragging a wind chime through gravel,” said sophomore Aaron Banks, hoping his eardrums hadn’t been blown out from the sound of the water bottle being set down on a desk.

Off Campus (May 12 2023 issue)