In the wake of the departure of thousands of students from campus, sources report that the University’s Main Green has reverted to a lively jungle ecosystem.
“I guess there was a silver lining to this fiasco all along,” said sophomore Laila Katz, whose decision to remain on campus left her privy to the ecological flourishing of the large patch of grass.
Furiously typing away at her draft of a 10 page sociology midterm paper, Elizabeth Rawlins ’22 is struggling to finish her essay before humanity’s deadline.
“This is a really important paper,” Rawlins said, repeatedly looking at her watch to check the remaining time before the end of the world.
Area man Jeremy Lynndoff guilty withdrew his finger from his nose while scrolling through the news Friday night, eyewitnesses report. The abrupt moment of self-awareness, and rapid extraction of a finger from his nasal passageway, came while reading a particularly grim New York Times article.
In light of the spread of COVID-19, the NCAA announced plans to replace its annual March Madness tournament with indefinite madness.
“We know fans were all very disappointed last month when we had no choice but to cancel March Madness,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert in a statement released Tuesday.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a statement begging local floozies to stop giving sailors big kisses on the lips.
“Floozies and sailors are key disease vectors,” explained CDC Director Robert Redfield in a press conference yesterday.