According to sources, the biker gang driving down Thayer is actually going somewhere really important.
“God, they’re so fucking loud and annoying,” complained sophomore Pete DeLuca, unaware that the leather-clad motorcyclist driving past was actually rushing to the hospital to see his dying mother one last time.
The recent overhaul of the dining area in Josiah’s has emboldened the University administration to explore options to make other beloved spaces on campus look like complete dog shit.
“Josiah’s has always been adored by students, and its endearing 50s diner aesthetic was part of that, so we asked ourselves, ‘how can we turn it into a soulless hellscape instead?’” said Jerry Lurch, Deputy Vice President for Management of Facilities Management.
Through a recent email addressed to the entire Brown community, the Brown University CareerLAB announced an exciting rebranding initiative involving a name change and absolutely nothing else.
“Our goals have been quite simple since our founding: we want to help connect you to your dream career opportunities,” stated the university-wide email.
Brown professor Gary Hendrikerson must find and kiss the Dean before the clock strikes midnight or risk losing the chance at tenure forever.
“I’ve published on average a paper every two months, and given talks at eleven different conferences,” said Hendrikerson, worried that it will go to waste if he can’t break the evil witch’s spell through the power of true love’s kiss.
A New York Post report released last summer found that 60 percent of Brown students aren’t gay, thank god.
“According to our survey of Brown students, 60 percent are, in fact, heterosexual,” the report detailed. “Ultimately, after a critical analysis of the collected data, we concluded that over half of the student body is straight, hell yeah.”
According to the report, the remaining 40 percent of students are unfortunately big homos.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
