Reports from the geometry sector say that an extramarital Venn Diagram between Circle A and Circle C was accidentally walked in on by Circle A’s wife, Circle B.
“Baby, please, it’s not what it looks like,” begged Circle A as he scrambled to cover his mistress’s nude, uniformly-curved body with the duvet he’d shared with his wife for seven years.
In a heartbreaking display of love and loss, sources confirmed that Bucky, the local family dog of eight years, was processing the death of his dearly beloved owner by humping his tombstone.
“Everyone has a different relationship with grief, and I think it’s beautiful that we work through those stages differently,” said onlooker Gertrude Taft without clarifying which stage of grief might compel Bucky to ravish the owner’s granite tombstone with such ferocity.
Local sources claim a stepmom has been healed of her gluten allergy after three glasses of wine made that cake look real good.
“I’ll take the eggplant parmesan unbreaded, uncooked, lukewarm, and without any parmesan,” ordered stepmom Patricia Jennings while tracing the rim of her first glass of sauvignon blanc.
Fuck it, Grandpa Joel was seen last Tuesday at Chipotle saying “hola” to the staff.
“Hola! ¿Cómo estás?” asked Joel to a wide-eyed Amber Jacobs, a new Chipotle team member from Connecticut. “Soy Joel y soy aqui por comer.”
“Tennis queso y… la bonanza,” said Joel as he pointed at the beans and corn.
Haunted by the horror of the September 11 attacks, a local man with obsessive-compulsive disorder revealed that the second plane crash offered him a sense of closure.
“What a tragic, tragic event,” said Jacob Moore, referring to both towers being hit but also specifically the first one.
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