Demonstrating their unwavering commitment to community health and wellness, Brown’s administration recently announced their plans to address students’ mental health concerns with a spin art frisbee booth at Spring Weekend.
“I’ve read extensively about the mental health crisis on college campuses, and hosting a spin art frisbee booth is by far the most effective intervention,” said Vice President for Campus Life Eric Estes, ignoring missed calls from overworked CAPS therapists so that he could pour acrylic paint into little squeezy bottles.
Feeling an eerie sense of 1997 déjà vu, singer-songwriter Elton John has decided to start re-rehearsing his hit threnody “Candle In The Wind” after seeing how Queen Elizabeth II has looked lately.
“Yowch. Better get practicing, Elton,” reported John to himself after catching a glimpse of the 96-year-old monarch’s general state and appearance.
According to a recent report from a small town police station, hot shot detective Sly Jackson may be unorthodox but DAMMIT he gets results.
“I hate to break it to you, Chief, but he’s our only shot to crack this thing wide open!” said detective Tom Miller as Jackson stood in the corner of the office holding case files up to his ear like a seashell and listening for clues.
According to farmhand Hoover Montgomery, there’s always something goofy happening at the barnyard.
“There’s usually an oink or a cluck coming from somewhere,” commented Montgomery, filling up the trough with water and picking hay out of his overalls.
Area man Roger Greene, just trying to find his way in this world with the help of his four zany siblings and their dog Rocko, has been hearing upbeat bass riffs just about every time he wants to cut away to a new life scene. “I don’t know, ever since my parents left me and my siblings for the circus, everything has felt…just weird,” said Greene, clearly attempting to cleverly sneak some exposition into his dialogue.
Before receiving his meal from Providence’s Dienda Bistro, area man Obi Achebe was reportedly holding his fork and knife like he was about to eat a juicy cartoon steak.
“He was holding his fork and knife completely upright on the table for like 12 minutes,” reported fellow patron Ana Carmichael, grossed out by Achebe’s excessive salivating and lip licking.
Ah, ‘tis I! But wait— it cannot be I, for I am here and he is there! Ah, the great puzzle!
What craven sorcery lies herein? Yon figure looks all too similar to my own person, but he is thither and I am hither. There is space between us, and yet he and I make not dissimilar forms and positions— a duality, as it were.
I hope you’ve had a great weekend! I’m wondering if it might be possible for me to receive an extension on the final paper. I feel my present circumstances might make it hard for me to turn in quality work since I’m currently somewhere in the South Pacific, drifting helplessly on a makeshift bamboo raft.