A recent report by Sports Illustrated found that nothing is as exhilarating as a footrace.
“That’s right, folks, there’s nothing so thrilling as a running race from one end of a paved surface to another,” the report began. “Several people, usually children, trying to determine who is faster is the most elating, adrenaline-spiking activity in the world.”
“God, I love a footrace,” the study continued.
Despite leading the NFL in rushing yards for multiple seasons, O. J. Simpson’s legacy will be permanently tainted by his underwhelming performance in the 1979 season.
“In his prime, he was renowned for his agility. Nobody was as good as O. J.
In a harrowing scene out of your hometown this past week, it turns out that your middle school bully was actually spot on about the weird shit you were doing back then.
“Oh, Sarah? I remember her, she was the one who would literally put frogs in the desk,” commented Chelsea Delaney, your nemesis from 5th to 7th grade, as she checked her nails idly.
Local experts report that Speedster Ricky might have gone a little too fast there.
“We all loved Speedster Ricky. He’s the fastest thing this town ever seen! Don’t mean he can’t go a little too fast at times,” said first responder Greg Buckley, standing over a smoking pile of charred wreckage, within which Speedster Ricky’s human shape isn’t distinguishable.
Local boat guy, Tim Dunston, reports that he often fantasizes about his emergency tsunami plan.
“They say the first sign of a tsunami is always an earthquake. Now, you bet the second I feel that ground rumbling I’m jumping right into this sexy 2008 Sea Ray Sundancer,” said Dunston, slapping the hull of his small fishing skiff that is supposed to withstand 550-miles-per-hour rushing water.