Brown University admin recently announced their unequivocal support of student activism, except for the kind that makes them look bad.
“We are thrilled that our student body is so passionate about such a wide array of issues, and we’re here to provide a space for them to fight for their future, as long as it doesn’t make us look like the money-grubbing institution that we are,” an email from administration stated.
After a long life as a beloved member of the family and an unfortunate accident which resulted in the loss of a googly-eye, Pierre the pet rock is being put down. “We’ve had a good run, buddy, but it’s time for us to go our separate ways,” said Pierre’s owner, Jimmy Pickens, as he tearfully loaded his beloved pet into his cardboard carrier one last time.
Sources report that local bandana girl Olivia Hughes is being wistful again.
“It just seems like the world is at a stand still, but maybe that’s okay,” said Hughes, with her hair tied back in an earth toned bandana. “Another year, another beautiful moment in time lost forever.”
“It’s interesting to think about life as a cycle when fruit flies live such a short time,” Hughes said while fastening a rainbow hand-crocheted bandana to her head.
According to reports from a nearby village, celebrations have begun for the arrival of a tall man. “We’d never seen anyone that tall,” said Mayor Mary Daboole. “He deserves the world, really. With a body like that, a parade is the least we could do.
Reports from local mother Cecily Latham suggest her new air fryer is clearly not up to the task of cooking a coq au vin for her family of four.
“I thought by using my air fryer to cook meals for my family, I could reduce my time spent in the kitchen,” Latham explained, desperately trying to force four servings worth of chicken into the air fryer’s flimsy, six-inch plastic basket.
Sources report that the statement “close, but no cigar,” was uttered by a man who was just given a cigarette.
“I understand that some individuals might find them to be similar, or even the same,” said Harold Browinger, thinking about how if this was given to him in celebration of a baby’s birth, the parents must be celebrating either the birth of a rat or an extremely premature human.
OH MAN IT’S STARTING TO SEEM LIKE I MIGHT BE ALLERGIC TO BEES! This blows chunks! What am I supposed to do? I got stung a little while ago and now my arm’s all RED and SWOLLEN! OH MAN!
I guess I’m in a real pickle. Anyone got an ice pack? If only I’d known I was allergic to bees, I would’ve definitely tried harder not to get stung.
Mark, watch your back. You know who I am. I only come around to do one thing. I’m a one trick pony, Mark. You better get a head start because I am not playing around this time. I’m Mr. Scary, and I’m going to chase you all over the place. I won’t ever catch you Mark.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
