In lieu of counseling this fall, CAPS has announced plans to instead offer comforting hugs from big-bosomed women.
“Recent studies have proven that talk therapy just isn’t doing it for college students anymore,” explained Brown’s Vice President of Campus Life, Eric Estes, this past Tuesday.
Rapidly punching the button with his right thumb, area man John Bates pressed the AC button on his calculator several times just in case. “I’m just being cautious, there’s no loss in that,” said Bates while adding many parentheses where he didn’t need them.
Cursing his past self for procrastinating on a project worth one-third of his final grade, classics concentrator Jason Portimedes ’22 reportedly put off his whole “Labors, Trials, and Heroic Acts” quest until the night before it’s due.
“All I have so far is a canary with perfect pitch and 10 gold ingots and the project is due tonight at midnight,” said Portimedes, noting that this is a particularly tough quest to cram for considering the 2 to 4 weeks that snake skins typically need to ferment before congealing into flame retardant lotion.
As the Delta variant continues to drive up Rhode Island’s COVID caseload, the University has scrambled to unveil a new word search.
“From the onset of the pandemic, we have acted in support of one guiding principle: to protect the health of Brown’s students in whatever puzzle-related ways we are able,” wrote President Christina Paxson in an email to the Brown community.
Sources report that the Class of 2025 has stupidly not realized that they’re supposed to dress like their grandparents yet. Brown’s upperclassmen are eagerly waiting for them to figure it out.
“I guess these stupid kids haven’t figured out how to dress yet because they haven’t had a chance to lay eyes on us upperclassmen who are a little more experienced and in-the-know,” theorized Callum Cowcomb ‘23, who was wearing a short-sleeve button-down that was baggy, musty, and deliciously beige.