The Brown Noser

Pre-Med Who Forgot Breakfast And Lunch Having Dangerous Thoughts At 3 P.M. Cadaver Lab | May 02 2025

A pre-med in the Human Anatomy and Biomechanics class is dealing with the unfortunate combo of attending her human cadaver lab while also not having eaten all day. “Obviously, I’m not thinking about that,” scoffed Isabella Cannon, whose mouth was suspiciously watering as she dissected her assigned part of the cadaver.

Brown Student Employment Office Paying Only In JBL Flip 5 Speakers | May 02 2025

Recent reports indicate that the Brown Student Employment Office has been paying their students and employees exclusively in JBL Flip 5 Speakers. “The JBL Flip 5 is a top-of-the-line bluetooth speaker, one of the best on the market,” said Amanda Johnson, sitting in a cubicle made entirely out of JBL Flip 5 Speakers.

Students Living In Yellow Off-Campus House Gonna Call It “Sun House” Or Something Like That | May 02 2025

Sources report that a group of off-campus seniors have decided to name their house on 172 Williams Street “Sun House.” “When we toured the house, I knew it had to be ‘Sun House,’” explained senior Lark Jenkins, referring to the dull wood-paneling surrounding the building as the corona.

Girl Hit With Rock At Spring Weekend Darty | May 02 2025

Seconds after gleefully dancing to “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” atop an elevated surface, a girl was tragically welted by a small rock at Lantern’s Spring Weekend Foam Darty. “Ow, what the fuck?” shouted the girl, whose forehead was now bruised after being struck by the 6.4 cm rounded chunk of native Rhode Island granite.

Former Bigot Now Extremely Tolerant And Respectful After Completing Mandatory Nondiscrimination And Anti-Harassment Training | May 02 2025

Former bigot Blake Davis ‘27 is now very respectful and tolerant toward those of marginalized identities after completing Brown’s mandatory nondiscrimination and anti-harassment training. “I used to constantly make degrading and sexist comments toward women in class, but no longer!” exclaimed Davis, whose catcalling tendencies were entirely expunged after loosely tuning into the 28-minute training on 2x speed.

“Take These Fucks Too” Pleads Paxson To Customs Enforcement Officials, Pointing To Group Of Students Involved In Arch Sing | May 02 2025

Attendees at an Arch Sing performance last weekend report overhearing University president Christina Paxson beg Customs Enforcement agents to “take these fucks too.” “Please, I beg you! Take them! Spare us! Please!” cried out a desperate Paxson, suddenly inclined to shackle the performers herself.

Nation’s Former Lesbian Situationships Announce Plans To Treat You Exactly The Same But In Platonic Way This Time | May 02 2025

Representatives of the League of Former Lesbian Situationships have recently unveiled their newest plan to keep acting the same as when you were romantically involved but totally platonically this time. “You are my everything, and I’m truthfully only at peace when we’re together,” your ex-situationship said, cutting off a strand of your hair to keep in her locket forever.

Apparently It Good News That Friend Is Pregnant | May 02 2025

Surprised sources indicated that oh shit, apparently it’s good news that local friend Sophia Adams is pregnant. “I’m expecting!!!” said Adams, who apparently was not only ready for parenthood but was excited about it for some reason. “I’m due in November!” “I’ve been starting to shop for cribs, toys, and even art supplies!” added Adams, seemingly unfazed by the physical and financial burden having a baby was probably going to present.

Local Man Slinks Away After Silent Fart Like Pet Dog Who Peed On Rug | May 02 2025

Disgusted reports show that this local man is slinking away after a silent fart like a pet dog who peed on the rug. “P-U!” screamed onsmeller Lou Zhang, holding his nose and fanning the air right as Hardy Milton spread his cheeks and crop dusted the whole venue, just like a pet who couldn’t hold its bladder for one more minute peeing on the heirloom living room rug.

Student With Paper Due In One Hour Decides To Watch YouTube Video Of Bugs Fighting | May 02 2025

Reports from the Rockefeller Library indicate that local student Jason Altman, who has a paper due at midnight, has decided to watch a YouTube video of bugs fighting. “Holy shit, that wasp is totally getting its ass kicked by that big spider,” said Altman ’25 at 10:34pm, whose midterm was due at 11:59pm.

Boy Handwriting Suspiciously Legible | May 02 2025

In unexpected news from the ERC cafe this week, that boy’s handwriting is unsettlingly legible. “I sat down next to this kind of weird-looking engineering boy, and of course I glanced over his shoulder to see what he was doing on his little iPad.

Campus Chaplain Announces That The Best Way To Honor Jesus’s Resurrection Is To Blaze All Day And Smoke That J | May 02 2025

In his annual Easter address in Manning Chapel, Brown’s Chaplain Fr. Justin declared that the appropriate way to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ is to blaze all day and smoke that J. “Dear brothers and sisters, let us honor this holy day by rolling one for your neighbor as you would roll one for yourself,” said Fr.

Religious Housing Accommodation Application Will Ask Students If They Condemn Hamas | May 02 2025

In an email to the Brown community last week, Vice President for Residential Life Brenda Ice announced changes to the religious housing accommodations application, which will now require students to indicate whether they condemn Hamas. “Our religious accommodations program has always been about promoting inclusion and supporting those of all backgrounds,” explained Ice, taking a break from sending threatening emails to students who have yet to fill out their pre-departure form.

Student Unsure If Current Conversation Warrants "Piss," "Pee," Or "Urine" Level Of Formality | May 02 2025

Recently, a local student in a conversation with a biology TA was baffled as to whether it was most appropriate to refer to the liquid byproduct of metabolism as “piss,” “pee,” or “urine.” “To start off, we were having a casual conversation, and we weren’t really talking about class material anymore.

Chipmunk With Abnormally Deep Voice Just Sounds Like Guy | May 02 2025

At a party this past weekend, many were surprised by Devon, a chipmunk whose voice is so deep he just sounds like a regular guy. “I was taken aback to hear a man’s voice come out of that little chipmunk frame,” said Megan Jones in complete shock as she contemplated Devon’s dude-like timbre.

Dual Degree Student Socially RISD, Fiscally Brown | May 02 2025

Recent reports indicate that the dual degree student you know identifies as socially RISD and fiscally Brown. “Yeah, I get the whole artist struggle… but I’m not just an artist,” said Xander Fieldman after coughing from his cigarette, a fifth-year dual degree student studying Painting at RISD and Econ at Brown.

Jo's 50/50 Burger Sourced From Mushroom-Cow Hybrids | May 02 2025

Findings show that the Jo’s 50/50 burger is sourced from a newly developed breed of mushroom-cow hybrids. “For years, students have complained that Brown dining features unhealthy, overly processed food,” said George Barboza, Vice President of Dining Programs, while splicing shiitake genes into a prized heifer.

Guy Eating Baby Carrots Feeling Huge, Cruel | May 02 2025

Sources say a local man eating baby carrots on his lunch break is feeling absolutely massive, and also suddenly cruel. “I… I feel so… big,” stated Louis Gorby, suddenly aware of the massive influence and destructive capabilities he wielded over the helpless baby carrots in his palm.

Finance Bro Graduating With Huge Network Of People Who Hate Him | May 02 2025

At Brown’s upcoming commencement ceremony, future finance bro Ryan Chapman ‘25 will be graduating with a huge network of people who despise his guts. “I just love business. Shaking hands, doing deals. It gets me going. I spend 30 minutes every day cold DMing on LinkedIn and usually another 30 minutes on the phone with LinkedIn customer service trying to get unbanned.

Brown Professor Avoids Defunding By Adding "For Bombs" To Research Abstract | May 02 2025

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Sophomore Who Scored Greg Suite Super Thankful For Friend's Disability | May 02 2025

Reports indicate that a sophomore who recently scored a Greg A suite is super thankful for his future suitemate’s disability. “This is the best thing ever!” said Andy Burner ’27 as he hoisted his hand up to high five his friend, who is a double arm amputee.

Jo’s Announces 300 Oz Milkshake For One Week’s Worth Of Swipes | May 02 2025

In an effort to use up a surplus of milkshake supplies, Jo’s has begun offering a 300 oz milkshake in exchange for 14 meal swipes. “Our regular milkshakes were a moderate success, but our 300 oz milkshakes have been a massive success,” yelled Vice President of Dining Services George Barboza over the whir of 30 milkshake machines struggling to keep up with demand.

Clammiest Friend Desperate For High Five | May 02 2025

Sources report that the clammiest friend in one high school friend group has been getting super desperate for a high five. “Up top, dude!” announced Matthew Quincy, proudly displaying a shiny palm for his friend to slap. “Come on! Gimme some!” “I don’t know why they won’t just give me a high five,” said Quincy, removing his hands from his desk and leaving a wet hand print behind.

Campus Crush Loses All Appeal After Revealing Nut Allergy | May 02 2025

In a devastating turn of events, sophomore Molly Heller was shocked to learn that her campus crush does, in fact, have a mild nut allergy. “I was standing behind him in the Blue Room sandwich line when I heard those six little words that changed everything,” said Heller, wiping heartbroken tears from her eyes.

Senior Who’s Spent Four Years Searching For “The One” Definitely Going To Find Them Through CCB’s Senior Scramble | May 02 2025

Despite four years of unsuccessful Hinge dating, soon-to-be graduate Avery Rose is convinced she’ll find her soulmate through CCB’s Senior Scramble. “I have a good feeling about this one, I really do,” remarked Rose, who went “Full Send” for the CCB Senior Scramble in a final Hail Mary attempt to meet her one true love.

Biology Student In Cell Lab Just In It To Eat The Cells | May 02 2025

Junior Nelson Nibbs reportedly joined a cellular biology lab just to eat the cells. “The work we do in this lab is very important for furthering our understanding of genotype sequencing,” said Nibbs, pulling his face up from a petri dish of glial cells and wiping his mouth dry.

Campus Life (May 02 2025 issue)