The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Sep 15 2017 issue)

Freshman Can’t Wait to Replicate Her High School Friend Group at Brown | Sep 15 2017

Sources report that freshman Cady Salib is eager to create an exact replica of her high school friend circle from a candidate pool consisting of the entire Class of 2021. “I came to Brown so I could meet a diverse group of people that I could comb through to find an identical group of friends,” explained Salib.

RIPTA Automated Bus-Voice To Begin Screaming During Really Hard Turns | Sep 15 2017

RIPTA officials announced yesterday that buses will now automatically scream phrases such as “AGH!” and “Oh shit!” when making difficult turns. “Due to how successfully our “bus is turning” announcement has notified the public about bus turns, RIPTA will now use terrified screams of “Move! Move! Move!” and “Coming in hot!” to warn drivers and pedestrians if the bus driver is going to try a turn that could be dangerous,” RIPTA CEO Ray Studley announced yesterday.

Student Has Moral Dilemma Deciding What Order to Write Names at Top of Group Project | Sep 15 2017

Unsure whether to prioritize individual contributions to the project or his own friendships with people, sophomore Max Fiegel could not decide what order to write group members’ names at the top of his ENGN90 project. “I must have spent twenty minutes copying and pasting our four names into different orders,” reported Fiegel, adding that he used his knowledge of introductory statistics to figure out how many combinations he’d have to try out.

This Day In History: September 15th | Sep 15 2017

520,000,000 BCE: The eye was proving to be a pretty sick adaptation 450: Atilla the Hun killed everyone in Europe 700 The Vikings pillaged Scandinavia for its valuable snow 1222: The plague killed everyone in Europe 1791: Mozart wrote his last opera but it was total shit 1903: The Wright Brothers conquered their fear of heights 1918: The Influenza Pandemic killed everyone in Europe 1922– Music wasn’t boring anymore.

Crumpled Syllabus at Bottom of Bag Evokes Memories of Time Long Passed | Sep 15 2017

Cleaning out his bag in preparation for the new school year, junior Eric Meyer happened upon a weathered and ripped syllabus that reminded him of a time long passed. “It took me a couple seconds to even vaguely discern what the torn, pinkish piece of paper was,” Meyer recounted.

Brian’s Fun Fact Not That Fun | Sep 15 2017

While introducing himself in a senior seminar, Brian Donaghy ’18 provided an underwhelming detail about his life that would serve as his first impression for weeks to come. “The fun fact is a classic ice breaker so I thought everyone just came in with a default one they had tried out and workshopped a couple times,” said classmate Stella Morales, saying she thought she knew what to expect.

Paxson Strongly Considering Taking Next Semester Off | Sep 15 2017

Saying that it would give her a good opportunity to rethink her goals and what she wants to do in the future, Brown University President Christina Paxson announced in a Facebook post that she’s strongly considering taking next semester off. “The last few years have just felt like work, work, work and I think taking a break might be the best thing for me right now,” explained Paxson, adding that her time at Brown has left her feeling pretty burnt out.

Dozens Of Inebriated Freshman Carried Off By EMS To Be Fed To Gothrak The Glutton | Sep 15 2017

In what has become an unfortunate annual trend at Brown, several dozen inebriated freshman were carted off by Brown’s emergency medical staff last weekend to be fed to Gothrak, the Great Glutton. Upperclassmen are all too familiar with the cliched ritual: freshmen go out to parties on their first free night, drink a bit too much, have to be carted off in an EMS ambulance and are driven fifteen minutes away to Gothrak’s cavernous sacrificial chamber where friends usually pick up their remains a few hours later.

Desperate Student Begrudgingly Accepts Summer Job at Father’s Hedge Fund | Sep 15 2017

Unable to find something interesting to do over the summer, junior Jonathan Brewer reluctantly settled for a job at Brewer Capital Management, a $2.4 billion hedge fund run by Richard Brewer, Jonathan’s father. Brewer explained that he had been hoping to get an internship in a DC political office or at a media firm, and had submitted many applications, but nothing had quite worked out.

Guy Who Didn’t Have Summer Internship Now Ripped | Sep 15 2017

Having spent the summer getting in shape instead of holding a summer internship, senior Sam Irving returned ripped. “He told me he started heading to his local YMCA two or three times a week,” said Irving’s roommate Tim Bright, adding that he was skeptical of the number since it didn’t seem like enough to account for how positively jacked his friend had become.

Forgetful Freshman Didn’t Pack His Parents | Sep 15 2017

Sources report that freshman Michael McLaughlin reportedly forgot to pack his parents in his suitcase before leaving for college. “I double-checked to make sure I had my toothbrush, two weeks of clothes, even my Cards Against Humanity set,” McLaughlin told the Noser.

Student Resumes Trashing Corporate America on Social Media After Internship At Wall Street Hedge Fund | Sep 15 2017

As proven by a recent Facebook post, senior Naomi Leung has resumed trashing corporate America just four days after finishing her internship at the lucrative Wall Street hedge fund Marcato International. “When will the greedy capitalists realize that when the richest 1% of Americans own 38% of the privately held wealth, regular middle class folks get frustrated?? #FeelTheBern.” wrote Leung, whose recently updated profile picture featured her popping champagne on a private yacht with the billionaire CEO.

Ambitious MCM Class Attempts Marxist Interpretation Of Sex In The City 2 | Sep 15 2017

Sources report that the MCM Department’s newest class on offer, “Sex In The City 2, A Study Of The Dispossessed Masses,” ambitiously seeks to explore the Marxist undertones in the struggles of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda. “Once I decided to make my reading highly selective," stated Jacob Malibu, one student in the class, “The Marxist references and themes became clear.

Overwhelmed Freshman’s Belief That Admissions Committee Made Mistake Actually True This Time | Sep 15 2017

Sources report that freshman Joey Ricci’s ridiculous belief that the admissions committee made a mistake by accepting him into Brown isn’t ridiculous at all. According to admissions officer Portia Nathan, it’s one hundred percent true. “We read thousands of applications a year and take into account a variety of complex factors such as scholastic merit and net worth of parents," casually explained Nathan as she glanced at Joey’s application, which was filled with simple grammatical mistakes.

Improv Group Obviously Just Doing Hamlet | Sep 15 2017

After watching one member mime holding a skull and deliver the “To be or not to be” soliloquy verbatim, it became clear to everyone in the audience that the improv group Laugh Yourself Silly was just performing Hamlet. “They didn’t even bother naming themselves other names than the characters in the play,” said audience member Sadie Swable, adding that it was obvious everyone in the group knew when scenes were supposed to end and what was coming next.

Student Studying Abroad Excited For Experience Of Spending Parent’s Money On Alcohol In Different Country | Sep 15 2017

Explaining that he is grateful to explore Europe’s bars and clubs this semester, sources report that junior Greg Newsome is excited to spend his parents money on alcohol while studying film in Amsterdam. “When else am I going to have the opportunity to truly immerse myself in another culture and go out with so many people from a ton of different American colleges?” said Newsome, who has no interest in Dutch language, culture, history, or people.

Summer at Brown High Schooler 100% Getting Into Brown, Reports Summer at Brown High Schooler | Sep 15 2017

There is a 100% chance that Summer at Brown high schooler John Milford will get into Brown, reports John Milford. Milford, a 14 year old participant taking “Learn To Program in 5 Days”, assured fellow students during the 1 week course that his acceptance at the Ivy League school was “virtually guaranteed,” now that he had gotten into the elite summer camp.

Senior’s College Bucket List Makes It Seem Like He Doesn’t Expect to Live Past Graduation | Sep 15 2017

Sources close to senior Edward Cole report that the scope of his college bucket list makes it seem like he doesn’t anticipate living past graduation. “I get so stressed out thinking about everything I want to do before Commencement,” explained Cole.

“Brown Promise” Just Paxson Telling People Not To Repay Their Loans | Sep 15 2017

Shrugging her shoulders and explaining that there’s probably no way the loan people can track you down, Brown University President Christina Paxson explained the “Brown Promise” vision of just not paying your loans back. “There are 6,400 of you guys, and if you all agree to not repay your loans, there’s no way they can punish all of you,” said Paxson, adding that she couldn’t believe no one had thought of this before.

Today@Brown Just a List of Rooms With Free Kabob and Curry | Sep 15 2017

In an announcement detailing how the new service would improve Morning Mail, Dean of the College Maud Mandel explained that Today@Brown will just be a list of rooms offering free Kabob and Curry. “Morning Mail made it difficult to find the free Kabob and Curry due to the high volume of other information," said Dean Mandel, explaining that the new service would align with the best practices in higher education by changing that.