The Brown Noser

Report: Nothing As Exhilarating As A Footrace | May 03 2024

A recent report by Sports Illustrated found that nothing is as exhilarating as a footrace. “That’s right, folks, there’s nothing so thrilling as a running race from one end of a paved surface to another,” the report began. “Several people, usually children, trying to determine who is faster is the most elating, adrenaline-spiking activity in the world.” “God, I love a footrace,” the study continued.

O.J. Simpson Legacy Forever Tainted By Underwhelming 1979 NFL Season | May 03 2024

Despite leading the NFL in rushing yards for multiple seasons, O. J. Simpson’s legacy will be permanently tainted by his underwhelming performance in the 1979 season. “In his prime, he was renowned for his agility. Nobody was as good as O. J.

Uh Oh! Your Middle School Bully Was Honestly Right About A Lot Of That Weird Shit You Were Up To | May 03 2024

In a harrowing scene out of your hometown this past week, it turns out that your middle school bully was actually spot on about the weird shit you were doing back then. “Oh, Sarah? I remember her, she was the one who would literally put frogs in the desk,” commented Chelsea Delaney, your nemesis from 5th to 7th grade, as she checked her nails idly.

Speedster Ricky Went A Little Too Fast There | May 03 2024

Local experts report that Speedster Ricky might have gone a little too fast there. “We all loved Speedster Ricky. He’s the fastest thing this town ever seen! Don’t mean he can’t go a little too fast at times,” said first responder Greg Buckley, standing over a smoking pile of charred wreckage, within which Speedster Ricky’s human shape isn’t distinguishable.

Boat Guy Fantasizes Tsunami Plan | May 03 2024

Local boat guy, Tim Dunston, reports that he often fantasizes about his emergency tsunami plan. “They say the first sign of a tsunami is always an earthquake. Now, you bet the second I feel that ground rumbling I’m jumping right into this sexy 2008 Sea Ray Sundancer,” said Dunston, slapping the hull of his small fishing skiff that is supposed to withstand 550-miles-per-hour rushing water.

Larger Kid On See-Saw About To Launch Your Kid To Venus | May 03 2024

As 4th grade’s most overdeveloped behemoth squares up your child on a see-saw, other parents are reporting that a hulking giant is about to launch your sweet little boy to Venus. “James has always been one of the biggest boys in the grade,” said local parent Heidi James, clutching her child close so he doesn’t approach the seesaw.

Miniature Horse Actually Always Dreamed Of Slowly Carrying Children In Small Circle | May 03 2024

Reports suggest miniature horse, Muggsy, actually always dreamed of one day carrying small children in a small circle for an entire lifetime. “Muggsy loves his job,” said Muggsy’s owner, smiling as he threw small rocks at Muggsy because his break time was up.

Young Aspiring Paparazzo Lies Awake Dreaming Of One Day Getting Socked In The Jaw | May 03 2024

According to reports, young aspiring paparazzo, Greg Jensen, lies awake dreaming he too will one day get socked in the jaw by a celebrity. “I appreciate images from all my favorite artists,” said Jensen, gesturing to a series of posters on the wall depicting a variety of celebrities covering their faces and looking down.

Grandma About To Show You Video She Took Of Entire Museum | May 03 2024

Reportedly your Grandma is going to sit you down to show you an extremely long video she took of the entire Gallery at the MFA. “She said she wanted to show me this specific Rembrandt she really liked,” said granddaughter Jessica Parks. “But instead of like a picture of that painting, she started an 18 minute video she took while walking around the museum.

Child Playing With Toy Fire Truck Can’t Wait To Grow Up And Be Fire Truck | May 03 2024

Reports indicate that four-year-old child Johnny is always playing with his fire truck because he wants to be a firetruck when he grows up. “We just find it so great that he already knows he wants to commit himself to saving lives when he’s older,” said Johnny’s mother under the impression that Johnny will take on a human career of firefighting, not chasing an unrealistic dream of shapeshifting into a 20-ton steel vehicle when he becomes an adult.

Plucky Orphan Would Trade All The Pluck In The World For Parents Back | May 03 2024

In a sad turn of events out of the Grimley Orphanage For Unattended Children, local plucky orphan Tildy Wiggins would be willing to trade all the pluck in the world for a chance to be with her parents again. “People keep telling me I have spunk,” Wiggins commented as she traced a well-worn, crinkled photo of her long-passed mother with her finger.

Wisconsin Boat Driver Gonna Sober Up And Switch To Light Beer | May 03 2024

Sources from Potawotamee Lake, Wisconsin, report that local boat driver, Dale Kerchee, is gonna sober up and switch to a light beer. “I’mgoingggsoofastt,” slurred Kerchee, about to take it easy and start drinking something hydrating like a Miller Lite.

Providence Mayor Named Mayor Smiley As If This The Lego Movie | May 03 2024

Sources from the Providence City Council confirm that the mayor of the city is actually named “Mayor Smiley” as if this is The Lego Movie. “I’m here to reform this dying city,” said Smiley as he slid down a fireman’s pole and cheerfully high-fived a group of construction workers before walking into his office at the top of City Hall.

Man Pries Grape From Dog’s Mouth Like He Bear Grylls Brawling With Deadily Crocodile | May 03 2024

In an unfortunate turn of events that turned a humble lunch-preparing session into a fight for survival, a man pries a grape from his dog’s mouth like he’s Bear Grylls brawling with a deadly crocodile. “Rocco, drop it! You’re going to die!” gasped shirtless owner Andrew Kim as he grappled with his pet dog for a half-eaten grape like he was a seasoned survival expert fighting for his limb against a territorial crocodile in the unforgiving desert.

Veterinarian Just Gonna Treat This Bird Like A Dog And Cross Their Fingers | May 03 2024

According to support staff at Paws That Heal, veterinarian Eddy Grange is just gonna treat this bird like it’s a dog and cross his fingers. “Bum wing eh? Hmmmmm. Ok, well, wings are kinda like a birds front legs, right? And the beak is like the nose.

Report: Twerp Scrawny | May 03 2024

According to a recent report out of San Batista High School, twerp Aidan Gould is incredibly scrawny. “He is a textbook wimp. I looked at him and thought, ‘That is the wiriest little runt I’ve ever seen,’” said local bully Chuggs Dunck, reflecting on what a startlingly puny shrimp Gould was. “Seeing a pipsqueak that feeble was like Christmas morning for me.” At press time, cretin oafish.

Girl Carrying Heavy Box Worried It Will Set Precedent | May 03 2024

Girl carrying a heavy box in public is really worried it will set a precedent moving forward. “I just don’t want anyone thinking I enjoy it,” said Sheila Ment, lugging a new air purifier from the mail room. “I do this because I have to, y’know.

Idiot Toddler Thinks Facing The Wall A Good Hiding Spot | May 03 2024

Excited to be included in a game of hide and seek, toddler Tommy Hubbard seemed to be confident in his unconventional hiding spot. “This little dumbass just can’t wrap his smooth toddler brain around the concept of a good hiding spot,” sighed Tommy’s father as Tommy huddled in the wide open corner of the living room, blissfully unaware of the fact that his entire body was completely unobscured from any potential seekers.

Report: When I’ve Got A Gullet Full Of Yoplait, We All Win | May 03 2024

According to a recent report I just wrote, when I’ve got a gullet full of Yoplait yogurt, we kinda all win. “Not only would I be thrilled that he gets to stuff his maw full of creamy yogurt, there are numerous other intangible ways that I’d benefit from seeing that guy with a gullet full of Yoplait” is what I figure most people are thinking right now, which is why I’d love to cut to the chase here and get a couple dozen cups cracked open and start filling my gaping mouth with delicious low fat yogurt.

Spider Strutting Around On Ceiling Like He’s The One Paying The Fucking Bills | May 03 2024

Sources from the ceiling indicate that a local spider is strutting around up there like he’s the one paying the fucking bills. “He’s just swaggering around like he owns the place,” said apartment resident Adam Barnett, watching the confident arachnid parade around on the ceiling as if he were the sole provider for everyone living in the household.

Report: Size Of The Dog In The Fight Is Pretty Relevant To Outcome Of Dog Fight, Actually | May 03 2024

In a scene out of the Nassau County Dog Fighting Convention this past weekend, it was revealed that the size of the dog in the fight had a pretty direct impact on the outcome of a dog fight. “That whole expression has really overtaken our industry”, veteran dog fighting coach Rusty Daniels told reporters while scraping a toy poodle mix off the wall.

Raincoat Only Keeping Dog 30% Dry | May 03 2024

Recent reports indicate that a local dog is only being kept 30% dry by its little raincoat. “But just look at how cute he is in his little coat!” said Carrie Happis in reference to her sopping wet dog, Bugsy. “He might be getting a little wet, but nothing a little towel action can’t fix!” “Initially, I thought I was overpaying for this raincoat.

Nation’s Colonels Announce Plans To Change Term To Something Stupider, Harder To Spell | May 03 2024

The Colonels of the United States Joint Armed Forces announced plans on Friday to change the term for their position to something that was not only more ridiculous but harder to spell. “Our intention is to solve the single most pressing issue with the military today—it’s too easy to spell and pronounce ‘colonel,’” reads the introduction to the report, which ran several hundred pages and cost roughly $750 million to produce.

Kid Wearing Minecraft Sweatshirt About To Announce A Word That Would Get Most Adults Fired From Their Jobs | May 03 2024

Minecraft sweatshirt owner Aidan Kenney is about to say a word at recess that is so heinous it would cause most adults to be swiftly terminated from their place of work. “Yeah, I’m pretty excited about this one—my older brother Declan says it’s a really, really bad word,” bragged Kenney, unaware that this word is in fact bad enough that it would be grounds for an adult to be fired and taken to court.

Man Who Had A “Good Day” Must Not Have Contemplated His Own Mortality | May 03 2024

As Jordan Whittaker strolled down the street with a big smile on his face, it was evident that he had not been contemplating his own mortality. “I think I’ll pay it forward for the next customer in line,” Jordan told the cashier at Starbucks, not even considering that his unavoidable death was fast approaching and all of his life’s accomplishments would be forgotten within a few decades.

Three Year Old Cousin Somehow Still Bald | May 03 2024

Following a recent family dinner, you have come to the realization that your three-year-old cousin Susie is somehow still bald. “She’s been growing up so fast,” stated your Aunt Julia, skipping past a video tutorial about how to braid a toddler’s hair.

Off Campus (May 03 2024 issue)