The Brown Noser

REPORT: Cave Drawings Were Pretty Shitty By That Time’s Standards Too | Sep 15 2017

After unearthing a photorealistic drawing of a buffalo carbon dated back to 20,000 years ago, a team of archeologists affiliated with National Geographic assert that cave drawings were pretty shitty by that time’s standards too. “For so long we’ve been praising cave paintings for how advanced they must have been for their time,” said J.B.

Vatican Approves Short Sleeve Graphic-Cassocks For Casual Masses | Sep 15 2017

In a historic departure from Church tradition, the Vatican has officially allowed Roman Catholic priests to wear short-sleeve graphic-cassocks during casual masses. “My @Nike #dryfit cassock keeps me absurdly cool on hot days in the basilica,“ Pope Francis wrote yesterday in a tweet that included a picture of him celebrating mass in a sleeveless dry-fit with the red outline of a crucifix above the text “just do it.” Following the announcement, cassocks with text such as “Eu-cha-rist: the consumption of the body and blood of Christ” and photoshopped pictures of John Paul II and Mother Theresa battling devils quickly sold out on internet marketplaces.

Straight Man Finds Creative Outlet in Zany Socks | Sep 15 2017

Area resident Trent Walker is expressing a new side of his personality through unusual, flashy socks, sources report. “My friends have noticed a change in me recently,” Walker observed. “My socks are different than most people’s socks. I’m different.” Walker believes his unconventional socks allow him to explore his own identity more freely, and he has made some shocking self-discoveries.

Hip Hop Artist Thrilled To Be Writing Songs For White People With Acoustic Guitars To Cover | Sep 15 2017

Up-and-coming Providence rapper Simplicity confirmed in an interview last week his love for songwriting and his fanbase. Specifically, the rapper noted how happy he was to be making music that would inevitably be covered by white people with acoustic guitars, and then posted on Youtube.

Wholesome Fight-Club Just People Shouting Constructive Criticism | Sep 15 2017

Sources report that a new fight-club in Providence is pioneering a more helpful and considerate approach to stress release. Every Friday night participants gather in the poorly-lit basement under an undisclosed diner to shout constructive, wholesome criticism at each other.

Keanu Reaves’ Fidget Spinner To Explode If It Stops Spinning | Sep 15 2017

After busting into a middle school classroom unannounced, famed actor Keanu Reaves produced a fidget spinner and loudly exclaimed that if the rotating toy stops spinning, it will explode. “Everyone get down!” shouted the action film veteran to a room of screaming adolescents.

Area Man Just Winging Spelling Of “Restaurant” | Sep 15 2017

Cautiously rewriting alternative spellings of the word “restaurant,” area man Tim Reznikoff found himself just winging it. “This word always trips me up so I’m just gonna try my best,” sighed Reznikoff, explaining that he remembers there being an ‘au’ somewhere but wasn’t sure if it came in the middle or the end.

Children’s Book Writer Barely Masking Own Existential Dread | Sep 15 2017

Following parents’ concerns that his books focus too much on his descent toward nihilism rather than the cheerful, moralizing tales he is meant to be writing about, children’s book writer Martin Wernick is being criticized for the barely concealed existential dread found in all of his stories.

Madame Clementine's Horoscopes | Sep 15 2017

Virgo: Your hard work and concentrated effort will come to a head soon, Virgo. Take some time to breathe and pay attention to the new faces in your life. You never know, one of them may be Seinfeld star Jason Alexander. Libra: Don’t let your fixation on your career isolate you from others, Libra.

Sweet Ghost Secretly Cracking People’s Backs For Them | Sep 15 2017

After reviewing footage he took using an infrared camera, paranormal activity expert Christian Torque reports that a sweet ghost has been haunting the Providence Biltmore secretly cracking the hotel guests’ backs. “He’s a pretty big apparition and is able to wrap his arms around the person, pick them up just off the ground, and give them a little jostle,” said Torque.

Area Third Grader Going Through Phase Where She Knows Everything About Dog Breeds | Sep 15 2017

Excitedly explaining the difference between a Greyhound and a Saluki to her parents, area third grader Gabi Thule is going through that phase where she knows everything about dog breeds. “This morning she told me all about Portuguese Water Dogs and how they were originally bred to work on ships,” reported Gabi’s mom.

Chip That Slipped Out Of Hand Slowly Sinking Beneath Guacamole Surface | Sep 15 2017

After plunging his tortilla chip too deep into a bowl of guacamole, Jeremy Rafter watched helplessly as it slipped out of his hand and slowly sunk beneath the guacamole surface. “Everything happened so quickly,” said Rafter, losing sight of the last visible corner of the chip.

Restaurant Hostess Asks If Family Would Prefer Booth Or Table As If She Doesn’t Already Know The Answer | Sep 15 2017

Picking up two menus from her hostess stand and smiling at the mother and son that just walked through the door, Red Robin hostess Sarah Mackey politely asked them if they’d prefer a booth or a table, as if she didn’t already know what the answer would be.

Overworked Emotional Support Animal Takes “Me Week” | Sep 15 2017

Exhausted from providing a full year’s worth of therapeutic visits and petting sessions, emotional support dog Scuppers is embarking on a week just for herself. “Caring for others is tough work,” says Scuppers’ trainer and spokesperson Faye Anderson.

Uh Oh, Mom Keeps Referring to Dad as Your Father | Sep 15 2017

Implying that dinner will be tense tonight, sources report that, oh jeez, Mom just referred to Dad as “your father.” “It’s no coincidence she started calling him “your father” right after he called to say he’d be late for the fourth night in a row,” said Tom, your younger brother.

Anthony Bourdain Under Fire For Eating Live Frenchman On Air | Sep 15 2017

Chef and author Anthony Bourdain has come under scrutiny since it came to light that a new episode of his show “Parts Unknown” centers around the preparation and consumption of a live forty-six year old Frenchman. The episode, titled “Brittany,” follows Bourdain around the northwest region of France as he samples local dishes including Breton butter cake, fresh shellfish, and ultimately, a live middle-aged pastry chef.

Computer Keyboard Concerningly Greasy | Sep 15 2017

After happening to glance down at her keyboard while writing a history paper, junior Veronica Sill reported that her computer had become concerningly greasy. “There were big shiny spots on the majority of the keys,” said Sill, adding that the large spots on the most frequently used letters were especially worrisome.

Hard Times Force James To Downgrade Housing To Regular Peach | Sep 15 2017

In light of the Housing Bubble and rising real estate prices in New York City, James and his cohort of insect friends have had no choice but to sell their giant peach and live instead inside a regular-sized peach. “It’s difficult,” admitted James, trying for a smile as Mr.

Mother-Daughter Relationship Hits All Time High After Seeing Wicked Together | Sep 15 2017

After going to see the touring company of Wicked at the Providence Performing Arts Center, Michelle Torrance’s relationship with her daughter Catherine hit an all time high. “Catherine’s fourteen now and a lot of her friends went to see it with their moms so I thought it would be a good time for us to go and see it together,” explained Michelle before the show.

Model Says “Cheese” Whenever Her Picture Taken | Sep 15 2017

During a photo shoot for this month’s cover of Glamour magazine, supermodel Carrie Levin excitedly yelled “cheese” and smiled as big as she could before a full camera crew snapped her picture. “I first discovered Carrie when she walked in Michael Kors’ Fashion Week show last year,” said the director of the shoot Lisa Swan.

Off Campus (Sep 15 2017 issue)