Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Will Gomberg


Will's articles

Brewery Definitely Gonna Give This Next IPA A Super Wacky Name | Apr 24 2020

According to recent reports, local brewery Rooster Brewers is definitely gonna give this next IPA a super wacky name. “I’ve got tons of silly name ideas for this new IPA,” said head brewer Ron Aldo, scanning a page of word association he did to brainstorm.

SciLi Introduces 150 Decibel Fireworks Zone | Mar 06 2020

The Sciences Library is introducing a new 150 decibel fireworks zone, according to the building’s head librarian. “We know everybody enjoys studying differently,” said head librarian Raul Jimenez, explaining the new area in the SciLi’s Friedman Study Center where firework use will be permitted.

If You Don't Come To This Mandatory SAO Meeting I Will Personally Shut Down Your Student Group, Ransack Your Home, And Kidnap Your Loved Ones You Entitled Goddamn Kids by Isaac Albanese | Dec 06 2019

Hi Brown Community! Remember, today is the last day to attend our MANDATORY SAO meeting. If your student group refuses to attend, I, Isaac Albanese, will personally shut down your student group, ransack your home, and kidnap your loved ones, you entitled goddamn kids.

Child Existentialist Wants To Be When He Grows Up | Dec 06 2019

Presenting in front of his 3rd grade class, child existentialist Wesley Moraes declared that he wants to be when he grows up. “By the time I am an adult, I want to be,” said Moraes, contemplating the influence of his mortality on his free will. “Some of my biggest role models have been when they grew up. I want to be, just like them.” At press time, Moraes said that his favorite color was the deep, inescapable blackness of the night sky.

Swearer Center Announces New Engaged Program For Students To Engage With Community In An Engaged Way | Oct 25 2019

After months of planning, this morning the Swearer Center for Public Service announced a new engaged program for students to engage with the community in an engaged way. “This new program is an unparalleled engagement opportunity for community-oriented students,” said Executive Director of the Swearer Center Matthew Johnson.

Mom Googles A Full Sentence | Sep 13 2019

Looking to find the hours of her local deli, local mom Jessica McDonald recently searched in Google “What time is Manny’s Sandwich shop open until on Tuesdays?” The query, which contained both proper capitalization and punctuation, confounded onlookers.

Drunk Friend Announces Plans To Climb That Tree | Sep 13 2019

Addressing a crowd outside a large oak tree on Wriston Quad, drunk Sophomore Alex Sandro announced his intention to climb that tree. “I’m gonna do it!” Sandro shouted, while noticeably swaying on the spot. “That one over there. It looks big but I can totally do it. Sarah! Sarah! Take a photo of me in this tree, Sarah! Yeah, right up here!” At press time, Sandro released a statement apologizing to the DPS officers forced to remove him from the tree.

Report: Flautist Just Whistling | Dec 07 2018

According to multiple sources at the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra, the first chair flautist was just whistling. “His lips never touched the flute,” said audience member Keisuke Honda. “I was sitting close to the stage, and it sounded like the performer was whistling, and not playing his instrument.

Laptop Stickers Weave Compelling Narrative Of Owner’s Deepest Desires, Inner-Most Fears | Dec 07 2018

Numerous classmates reported that Sophomore Jonathan Amon’s laptop stickers wove a compelling narrative of his deepest desires and inner-most fears. “Those stickers told me everything I could ever know about Jonathan,” said Casie Short, as she walked by Amon in the Blue Room.

Juul Hits Back At FDA: We Would Never Market To Teens, Fam | Oct 26 2018

In response to accusations from the Food and Drug Administration that they illegally marketed their e-cigarette products to teens, Juul Labs said that they would, "never market to teens, fam.” “That wouldn’t be lit at all,” said the maker of the popular vaping product, Juul.

Hip Marketer Suggests Changing Letter ’S' To ‘Z' At End Of Word | Sep 14 2018

In an effort to appeal to a younger target demographic, hip marketer Jessica Descalso suggested that her client California Raisins change the letter “S” at the end of their product’s name to a “Z”. “Your company needs some new branding tactics,” explained Descalso.

Local Man Absolutely Got A Little Bit Of Wrapper In That Bite, Yep | Apr 20 2018

Local man Doug Baldwin reported this afternoon that he definitely got a little bit of wrapper in that bite, yep. Sinking his teeth into a pretty sizable turkey club, Baldwin for sure caught a little of the foil wrapping. He was going for the crust of the sandwich but just, ya know, accidentally got some wrapper in there too.

Prospective Student Totally Getting Accepted After Writing Thank You Note To Tour Guide | Apr 20 2018

Signing his name at the end of a heartfelt and lengthy letter to his tour guide, prospective student Anthony Atkins concluded he was totally getting into Brown as a result of his thank you note. “It’s pretty much a sure bet now,” said Atkins, a high school junior from Boston, explaining how he tailored the thank you note directly to his tour guide.

Yellow SciLi Discovered In Dubai Airport | Mar 09 2018

According to Brown students and alumni traveling through the Middle Eastern city, the SciLi has a twin in the Dubai airport. “I had a connection through Dubai while visiting home over break,” said Senior Ariana Chu. “And I saw this huge, yellow, brutalist building.

Students Disappointed To Hear Professor Will Learn Just As Much From Them As They'll Learn From Him | Mar 09 2018

Students emerging from the first class of Introduction to Philosophy expressed disappointment with their professor’s statement that he will learn just as much from them as they’ll learn from him. “It sort of seems like an unfair deal,” said Junior Ravi Harris.

Maud Mandel Cancels Scrapbooking Class After Realizing She Is Not Dean Of The Collage | Mar 09 2018

According to the Office of the Registrar, Dean of the College Maud Mandel’s proposed course — MCM0750: Scrapbooking in the Maud-ern Society — has been removed from CAB after Dean Mandel realized she is Dean of the College, not Dean of the Collage.

I’m Proud of My Grandson for Graduating Middle School, but I’m a Little Conflicted About His Growing Arson Habit | Mar 09 2018

Watching my grandson Jonathan walk across the stage of his middle school graduation last week made me incredibly proud. He is a strong and talented young man, and I know he’ll thrive in high school. That being said, I remain a little troubled by his arson streak.

Hockey Player Wishes He Brought An Extra Sweater To Game | Mar 09 2018

According to sources from TD Garden, Boston Bruins defenseman Zdeno Chara wishes he brought an extra sweater to the game tonight. “It gets cold out there on the ice,” said the veteran defenseman from Slovakia. “My mom always tells me I need to layer up, but I guess I thought I could tough it out.” Throughout the intermission interview, Chara had goosebumps visible on his arms and his teeth were chattering.

Girl With a Tupperware Lunch Must Have Her Shit Together | Dec 01 2017

According to multiple sources on the Quiet Green, the girl sitting with a tupperware lunch must have her shit together. “I’m pretty impressed,” said sophomore Alex Royal after seeing the girl unload silverware and napkins that she had packed ahead of time.

Rhode Island State Legislator Eager to Hear From Student Who’s Lived Here for Three Months | Dec 01 2017

Speaking with reporters this afternoon, Narragansett State Senator Lisa Jenkins expressed her eagerness to hear the perspective of new student volunteers who arrived for the day at the statehouse. “I can’t wait to hear what they have to say,” said an excited Senator Jenkins about the upcoming state budget meeting.

Insomnia Cookies Debuts Ambien-Infused Treats | Dec 01 2017

According to a press release issued this morning, beloved late-night sweets store Insomnia Cookies has announced that its latest line of cookies will be infused with the popular sleep-aid Ambien. “Honestly, we’re just a little scared for our customers,” said Seth Berkowitz, CEO of Insomnia Cookies.

95% of Movie Theaters 'Too Chilly’, According to Mothers | Nov 03 2017

According to a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, 95% of movie theaters are classified as “too chilly” by nation’s mothers. “I wish they would just turn down that A/C a few notches,” reported local mother Janice Perkins. “How’s anyone supposed to sit in this cold for three hours? My family spends so much on these dang tickets you’d think that they’d at least make us comfortable.

Chipotle Mayo Better Start Pulling its Weight on Sandwich | Nov 03 2017

After walking into a local deli and ordering a turkey club with “a solid amount of chipotle mayo on each side,” area man Doug Winter reported that the condiment wasn’t pulling its own weight. “I’m honestly just disappointed” reported Winter, “I was relying on the chipotle to bring some zing, but it looks like it just didn’t pan out.

Model UN Session Upended After Mauritius Declares War on Six Different Countries | Nov 03 2017

Reports emerging from the Boston University Model UN simulation state that Hartford high school student Tommy York has declared war against six different countries, throwing the session into chaos. “We are still gathering all the facts,” said BU student Cate Terry, who headed the event, "but it looks like the delegate representing Mauritius has evaded procedure and declared a state of war against Algeria, Vietnam, Cyprus, Brazil, Germany, and El Salvador,” “It sent everything into disarray.