Monday, January 22, 2018
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Will Gomberg

Writer

Will's articles

Girl With a Tupperware Lunch Must Have Her Shit Together | Dec 01 2017

According to multiple sources on the Quiet Green, the girl sitting with a tupperware lunch must have her shit together. “I’m pretty impressed,” said sophomore Alex Royal after seeing the girl unload silverware and napkins that she had packed ahead of time.

Rhode Island State Legislator Eager to Hear From Student Who’s Lived Here for Three Months | Dec 01 2017

Speaking with reporters this afternoon, Narragansett State Senator Lisa Jenkins expressed her eagerness to hear the perspective of new student volunteers who arrived for the day at the statehouse. “I can’t wait to hear what they have to say,” said an excited Senator Jenkins about the upcoming state budget meeting.

Insomnia Cookies Debuts Ambien-Infused Treats | Dec 01 2017

According to a press release issued this morning, beloved late-night sweets store Insomnia Cookies has announced that its latest line of cookies will be infused with the popular sleep-aid Ambien. “Honestly, we’re just a little scared for our customers,” said Seth Berkowitz, CEO of Insomnia Cookies.

95% of Movie Theaters 'Too Chilly’, According to Mothers | Nov 03 2017

According to a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, 95% of movie theaters are classified as “too chilly” by nation’s mothers. “I wish they would just turn down that A/C a few notches,” reported local mother Janice Perkins. “How’s anyone supposed to sit in this cold for three hours? My family spends so much on these dang tickets you’d think that they’d at least make us comfortable.

Chipotle Mayo Better Start Pulling its Weight on Sandwich | Nov 03 2017

After walking into a local deli and ordering a turkey club with “a solid amount of chipotle mayo on each side,” area man Doug Winter reported that the condiment wasn’t pulling its own weight. “I’m honestly just disappointed” reported Winter, “I was relying on the chipotle to bring some zing, but it looks like it just didn’t pan out.

Model UN Session Upended After Mauritius Declares War on Six Different Countries | Nov 03 2017

Reports emerging from the Boston University Model UN simulation state that Hartford high school student Tommy York has declared war against six different countries, throwing the session into chaos. “We are still gathering all the facts,” said BU student Cate Terry, who headed the event, "but it looks like the delegate representing Mauritius has evaded procedure and declared a state of war against Algeria, Vietnam, Cyprus, Brazil, Germany, and El Salvador,” “It sent everything into disarray.