The Brown Noser

Times Square Elmo Looks Just Like Real Elmo If Elmo Was Repeatedly Run Over By Semi-Trailer Truck | Mar 14 2025

Tourists have confirmed that Times Square Elmo looks exactly like the real Elmo, only if Elmo was repeatedly run over by a semi-trailer truck. “The whole situation was frightening,” reported tourist Nicole Ward as she calmed down her 4-year-old son who broke out into hysterical tears at the sight of the Times Square Elmo.

Man Bites Shark Back | Mar 14 2025

Sources from Daytona Beach, Florida, announce that after a recent shark attack, the man bit the shark back. “I don’t know what came over me, truthfully. I was catching some waves on my surfboard, then this big creature came out of nowhere,” said Jason Tighe, wiping blood from his jaw as the great white shark swam sheepishly away, blood streaming from multiple bite wounds on its body.

Boring Soldier Not Even In Cool Horse Part Of Army | Mar 14 2025

Local high schoolers were dismayed to learn that the soldier Plinius wasn’t even interesting enough to be in the cool horse part of the army. “Like whatever, I thought this Roman army project would be fun because we’d get to learn about crazy ancient horse battles.

Kid Reciting 250 Digits Of Pi Totally Making It Up Past Digit 20 | Mar 14 2025

At local Nathanael Greene Middle School, sources have ascertained that the annoying kid reciting 250 digits of pi is definitely making it up after digit 20. “Listen, guys, I know 250 digits of pi. I’m gonna start now: three point one four one five nine two six five three five eight nine seven nine three two three eight four six,” said sixth-grader Jeremy Douglass, confidently rattling off the first 20 digits to a circle of mostly unimpressed peers who were about to realize that his knowledge of pi ended exactly there.

“Do Not Press Button, Pedestrian Crossing Now Automated” Sign Mysteriously Placed Next To Pressable Button | Mar 14 2025

Sources report that the “Do Not Press Button, Pedestrian Crossing Now Automatic” sign on Waterman and Thayer seems to be mysteriously placed right above a pressable button. “I’m getting mixed signals here,” said Monica Abrams, having now been nervously standing at the street corner for five minutes, sweat falling down her face.

Boxer Who Floats Like Butterfly, Stings Like Bee, Dies Immediately After Punching Opponent Once | Mar 14 2025

Boxer Joe Clayton, who floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee, has reportedly died after punching his opponent a single time. “I mean, I thought this guy was gonna kill me when he started literally flying around the ring,” said Clayton’s opponent, Buzz Tenorman, still in shock after the fight.

Conch Shell Sounds Eerily Like Ocean While Standing On Beach | Mar 14 2025

Reports from really close to the Atlantic ocean have indicated that a conch shell sounds eerily like the ocean while standing on the beach. “It almost sounds exactly like the ocean,” piped tourist Daria Sweeney with one ear shoved into a conch shell, the other ear facing the ocean just a few feet away.

Innovative Twist On 52 Card Pickup Includes Spitting, Kicking Player When They Down | Mar 14 2025

According to card game fanatics, a recent, innovative twist on 52 card pickup includes spitting and kicking the player when they’re down. “It’s so great!” exclaimed Freddie Reuters as he scattered a standard 52-card deck all over the floor, waiting for an unlucky opponent to crouch down and start picking them up.

Cyclops Monk Opens Second Eye | Mar 14 2025

Local sources were stunned to discover that cyclops monk Brontes Hephaetius successfully opened his second eye. “I feel as though I have transformed,” said Hephaetius, whose extensive metaphysical odyssey came with the added bonus that he can now wear glasses.

Report: Tiny Guy Inside Mood Ring Feeling Purple | Mar 14 2025

Sources from your left index finger recently confirmed that the tiny guy inside your mood ring is currently feeling purple. “What can I say? I guess I’m just feeling energized this morning,” said the diminutive fellow permanently domiciled within your bright purple mood ring.

Novice Equestrian Leads Horse To Water Mere Moments Before Learning Critical Lesson About The Illusion Of Control | Mar 14 2025

A local man who is inexperienced with horses is leading his horse to water with zeal, seconds away from learning a major life lesson about the uncontrollable nature of reality. “Well, the first part of my plan is to lead my horse to water, and once I get there, the second part of my plan is to make him drink,” drawled Jedidiah Boswell, confidently swaggering over to the watering hole with his stubborn American Appaloosa in tow, seconds away from being forcefully humbled.

Guy Responsible For Choosing Maine’s Capital City 99% Confident That Augusta Will One Day Be The Metropolitan Hub Of The Northeast | Mar 14 2025

John Prindle, Governor of Maine in the year 1827, is almost entirely sure that the obscure town of Augusta is destined to become the largest, highest-population city in the region. ”Yes sir, this here two-horse town is soon to become a one million horse town, I can just feel it!” said Prindle with ill-placed gusto despite the fact that it was several days’ travel from any of the adjacent towns.

Absolute Monster Of A Straw Obliterates Camel’s Back | Mar 14 2025

This past Thursday, sources have indicated that a local camel’s back was completely obliterated by a real monster of a straw. “The second I saw that thing, I knew my camel was toast,” said Alex Simmons, a local camel owner who was preparing to store as many straws on his camel’s back as he could, one by one.

Tactless Dog Begs For Food During Emotionally Charged Family Dinner | Mar 14 2025

Sources are reporting this week that Bucky, the family dog of eight years, was seen tactlessly begging for food at an extremely emotionally charged family dinner. “There is no way in hell you are getting custody over my children!” yelled Sarah Smythe at her future ex-husband, Darren, while Bucky rudely pawed her leg with a dumb grin on his face.

Barber About To Question Your Previous Barber’s Skill, Training, Equipment, Diligence, Rigor, Honor, Integrity | Mar 14 2025

Sources from your new barbershop indicate that the barber is going to take one look at your hair and question your previous barber’s skill, training, equipment, diligence, rigor, honor, and integrity. “Son, you didn’t get your hair cut in these parts the last time around, did you? I’ve been in this business since before you were born, and this is the most atrocious cut I’ve ever had the displeasure of encountering,” declared veteran barber Joseph Doyle as he hacked off as much hair as he could get his hands on.

Mad Libs Only Adverbs | Mar 14 2025

Mad Libbers all across the nation are furious over a new, adverb-only Mad Lib. “I thought it was a little weird when there were two or three adverbs in a row, but then it just kept going! All of the interesting parts of the story like the nouns and adjectives were already written, I only got to modify the verbs, which were also pre-written!” complained Charlotte Clackins, pulling up a thesaurus.

Grandpa Won't Stop Pointing Out Attractiveness Of Much Younger Woman In Movie | Mar 14 2025

During last weekend’s family movie night, Grandpa would not stop pointing out how attractive he found Anya Taylor-Joy. “I just really appreciate a bombshell who takes the time to cultivate that kind of figure,” said Grandpa, 83, during a particularly juicy montage of Taylor-Joy, 24, working out.

Thrifted Sweater Smells Of Agatha | Mar 14 2025

Reports indicate that newly thrifted sweater smells of Agatha. “I really thought I had found a nice, vintage piece,” said thrifter Thom Carwell, hefting his alarmingly cheap haul. “It has those 1950’s stripes, 100% cotton, the whole works.

Mushroom Hunter Helpless Without Rifle | Mar 14 2025

Local mushroom hunter Chip Dunkirk was recently in dire straits after being caught in the woods without his trusty hunting rifle. “How could I have been so careless?! I’ve been mushroom hunting for thirty years, and I’ve never been caught unarmed before,” whispered Dunkirk from behind a nearby tree to avoid being spotted by wild mushrooms.

Useless Orb Of Perpetual Despair More Like Oblate Spheroid Of Moderate Ennui | Mar 14 2025

Sources from the Narnwartz School of Wizarding confirmed that the forbidden Orb of Perpetual Despair is actually closer to an Oblate Spheroid of Moderate Ennui. “This sucks. The Orb of Perpetual Despair was an integral part of my plan to inflict chaos and desolation upon the wizarding world,” lamented evil wizard Clarissa Sonju while caressing the spheroid along its deceptively flat circumference.

Trailblazing Ruffles Ad Celebrates Community, Integrity, Ruffles | Mar 14 2025

A heartwarming advertisement from Ruffles has gained recognition for its celebration of community, integrity, and Ruffles. “It’s easy to be a cynic in this day and age, so we here at the Ruffles marketing department felt a responsibility to remind folks what matters most,” said PR representative Eileen Wilcox, who works for a fucking potato chip company.

Grandma Tad Too Lucid To Blame Bitchy Comments On Senility | Mar 14 2025

Local grandmother Marsha Cohen, age 86, is just a little too sharp for family members to dismiss her bitchy comments as a side effect of old age. “I keep waiting for her to put her keys in the fridge so we can all act like she doesn’t mean what she says,” said granddaughter Rachel Cohen, still reeling from being told that her macadamia nut blondies were as dry as her love life.

Vow Of Silence At All White Monastery Survives Harrowing “Sweet Caroline” Experience | Mar 14 2025

In recent news, a 30-year vow of silence at a local all-white monastery was nearly broken during the impromptu playing of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond. “It was like holding back a sneeze,” wrote Frank George Sr., a silent monk who had started a trend of knocking on the table during the “pum, pum, pum” part of the song.

Cowboys Who Didn’t Specify Number Of Paces For Duel Now Walking Away From Each Other Indefinitely | Mar 14 2025

Reports from the frontier indicate that two cowboys who failed to specify a number of paces for their duel are now walking away from one another indefinitely. “Well, come to think of it, that varmint never did say how far we ought to go,” said Virgil McClyde, who had been walking through the desert for the past 7 hours.

Grandfather As Wrinkled As Possible | Mar 14 2025

In a stunning report out of Green Grove Retirement Center, your grandfather was quite literally as wrinkled as he could possibly be. “We tried to rehydrate him by pouring some water on his head,” commented your grandfather’s nurse Stephanie Michaelson as your grandfather’s forehead contracted impossibly further into itself.

Coolest Girl In Eighth Grade No Match For Lamest Girl In Ninth Grade | Mar 14 2025

In a striking report out of the Providence Public School District this past week, the coolest girl in eighth grade, Arabella Davis, was no match for Melanie Moore, the lamest girl in ninth grade. “I thought I was hot shit,” commented Davis as Moore sat alone, reading quietly during her break period.

Off Campus (Mar 14 2025 issue)