The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Sep 17 2021 issue)

Broadway Lyricist Drops A “Monsieur” Just In Case You Forgot The Story Takes Place In France | Sep 17 2021

Broadway lyricist Michael Mason recently dropped a “Monsieur” in the song he was writing just in case you forgot the story takes place in France. “I was worried that the audience might lose their bearings without a helpful hint,” Mason explained sympathetically.

Headmaster So Cruel | Sep 17 2021

Accounts from pupils at Brumfield Academy, a boarding school for rambunctious youth, indicate that headmaster Alabaster Scribb is so, so cruel. “He’s a terrible man!” exclaimed William Rawling, a tiny boy now in his second year at Brumfield, glancing nervously about him for fear that the wicked headmaster would come storming down the hallway in a fury.

Loose Acquaintances Regress Into Deep, Unending Silence After Mutual Friend Goes To Use Restroom | Sep 17 2021

Sources report that mutual friend Anna Miller left to go use the restroom leaving loose acquaintances Chloe Finnigan and Alex Thomas to regress into a deep, unending silence. “Uh so the weather’s nice today, isn’t it?” remarked Finnigan nervously, as social paralysis began to creep over the acquaintances who realized they had never actually spent time together alone until this very moment.

Alternating “Happy Birthday” Texts With Acquaintance Just Battle To See Who Will Die First | Sep 17 2021

Acquaintances Ira Lehman and Peter Liu have revealed that their annual “Happy Birthday” text to each other is just a battle to see who will kick the bucket first. “Sure, we don’t talk much otherwise and haven’t been in the same state in years, but I’m always excited to wish Peter a happy birthday in hopes that it will be the last time I ever have to do it,” said Ira, sighing heavily upon receiving a “Thank you!” response from Peter.

Area Aunt Not Sure If She Ready To Say “I Love You” To Infant Nephew Yet | Sep 17 2021

Approaching her sister’s son with a nagging sense of uncertainty, area aunt Sissy Callahan wasn’t sure if she was ready to say “I love you” to her infant nephew yet. “I don’t know… it’s like, sometimes I feel like I barely even know him?” she said, looking on as her 18-month-old nephew flipped through a pop-up book.

Area Woman Loses Both Hamilton Lottery And Ailing Mother In One Weekend | Sep 17 2021

Sources report that area woman Julie Lovins has lost both the Hamilton lottery and her ailing mother in the space of a single weekend. “You’re never prepared for even one of those things to happen,” said Lovins through tears. “Maybe I could’ve processed them better if they’d been spaced out.

CDC Assures Public They Will Be Protected From Delta Variant If They Share Pro-Vaccine Social Media Post | Sep 17 2021

In a recent press release, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced to the American public that they will be protected from the Delta variant if they post a pro-vaccination social media post. “We understand that many are wary about the country easing social distancing requirements and loosening mask mandates," a spokesperson for the CDC said Tuesday.

Expensive Coffee Tastes Bad In Fancy Way Instead Of Shitty Way | Sep 17 2021

Contorting his face after an unpleasant sip of a five-dollar cup of cold brew, area man Cyril O’Hara reported that rather than tasting bad in a shitty way, the coffee tasted bad in a fancy way. “Mmm… you can really taste how they carefully selected only the most acrid, acidic coffee beans for this brew,” O’Hara said, picturing the intricate process that led to his coffee tasting terrible in a highly sophisticated way, as opposed to coffees that taste bad in an accessible, blue-collar way.

Fucking Annoying Kid Won’t Stop Being Genuinely Curious About World Around Her | Sep 17 2021

Local five-year-old Junie Light, a little girl with a doe-eyed sense of wonder at the world around her, won’t shut the fuck up and stop asking so many goddamned questions. “Oh my god, babysitting this girl is a nightmare,” said Olivia Peel, a college student tired of Junie’s beautiful curiosity about the world she suddenly finds herself in, a world in which everything is new and there is so much left to discover.

Lazy Baby Won't Even Wipe Sauce Off Face | Sep 17 2021

According to reports, an entitled neighborhood baby is so lazy he won’t even wipe the sauce off of his own face. “For starters, I have to feed him myself because he can’t even hold a fork properly,” commented the child’s mother, Sandy Griffith.

Least Valued Friend Has To Pull Up Chair | Sep 17 2021

After seating themselves at a table with one fewer chair than people present, a friend group’s least valued member had to pull up a chair. “Looks like there’s a free chair over there — be right back!” said Toby Moransen ’25 as he went to drag a chair to the reaches of the group, oblivious to the fact that seconds ago his friends had been forced to make a split-second decision and in that moment agreed that he was completely expendable.

Local Milkman Thought Job Would Involve More Affairs With Neighborhood Housewives | Sep 17 2021

According to recent reports, local milkman Donald McDougal has been disappointed by his lack of affairs with neighborhood housewives. “I really thought I’d spend more time sneaking in through back doors and stealing smooches against the icebox,” explained a downcast McDougal.

London Bridge Architect Fears Career Will Forever Be Defined By One Mistake | Sep 17 2021

Reflecting on the widely-publicized fall of his bridge in 1014 CE, London Bridge Architect William Alfredshire III fears his career will forever be defined by one little mistake. “Everybody messes up once in a while,” said Alfredshire III, wincing at the melody of a jovial nursery rhyme echoing from a youth camp in the distance.

Magazine Has Insane Uppercase Q | Sep 17 2021

Though The American Sleepwalker, a monthly arts and culture magazine, may seem normal enough, readers report that it has the most batshit insane uppercase Qs you could ever imagine. “I was trying to read a piece about QAnon that my friend wrote but I couldn’t get past the font,” said magazine reader Bethy Thompson about a piece chock full of distractingly pretentious Q’s whose tails swirl and swoop all the fuck over the place.

Man Dusts Crumbs Off Laptop Like Little Elf Cleaning Work Bench | Sep 17 2021

Local man Ralph Kim is dusting crumbs off his laptop, much like a teeny-tiny elf would clean his workbench after a long day of making toys. “I got hungry halfway through writing a paper, and I ate a croissant over my keyboard,” said Kim as he meticulously wiped away pastry bits, just as an elf might dust away sawdust after using itty-bitty tools to make wooden trains.

Mom Wasting No Time Turning Dead Son’s Bedroom Into Workout Space | Sep 17 2021

Replacing a display case of fencing trophies with a treadmill, bereaved mother Jessica Wallack is wasting no time turning her newly dead son’s bedroom into a home gym. “It’s beyond sad to no longer have Jeremy in the house,” said Wallack as she began to take apart Jeremy’s bed to make way for a brand new Peloton.

Multipurpose Room Used For Like Two Purposes At Best | Sep 17 2021

Though the room’s high ceiling and customizable square design could potentially accommodate an endless range of purposes, the multipurpose room located inside a downtown Providence condo building is only ever used for, like, two purposes at best. “It’s such a bummer to think about how many purposes that room could be used for,” said disappointed building resident Josh Plantman.

NSA Analyst Touches Earpiece Again | Sep 17 2021

Claiming she’s received “urgent intel,” experienced NSA analyst Jeanette Davis has reportedly touched her earpiece again. “I was asking Jeanette about her son, and she was telling me about his science fair project and soccer team and stuff, and then, out of nowhere, she touched her earpiece and started, like, murmuring to it,” Davis’ colleague Brian Jones said, ignoring Davis’ assurances that her earpiece was the only thing that kept her sane on overseas missions.

Old Man Sitting On Bench Must Be Metaphor For Something | Sep 17 2021

According to visitors at a local park, the old man sitting on a bench must be a metaphor for something. “Wow, look at that. So sad, I think,” stated fellow park-goer Melanie Winters as she walked her dog past the old man, who was quietly reading a book.

Progressive 19th-Century Philosopher Doesn’t Even Have Wikipedia Section Labeled “Antisemitism” | Sep 17 2021

Reports indicate that 19th-century philosopher Henry Friedrich was so progressive that his Wikipedia page doesn’t even have a section titled “Antisemitism.” “He really was a man ahead of his time,” Wikipedia reader Susan Walter reflected.

Report: Dad’s Favorite Movie Definitely Doesn’t Pass The Bechdel Test | Sep 17 2021

According to a report conducted by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, your dad’s favorite movie definitely doesn’t pass the Bechdel test. “We’ve applied the Bechdel test, which determines whether two female characters speak about something other than a man at any point in a film, to your dad’s favorite movie,” said Academy communications representative Sarah Plinko of the 1985 survey designed to measure the amount of female representation in a work of fiction.

Report: It’s Harvest Time | Sep 17 2021

Reports from the valley in the northern hills have made clear that it’s harvest time. “Looks like it’s time to harvest,” said area man Hector Clay as the autumn winds blew in and the valley turned a dusky shade of red. “Seems to be an ample crop this year.

Report: Oh, Ed Helms In This | Sep 17 2021

Nodding in acknowledgment at the sudden appearance of the actor in a movie, sources across the country reported that, oh, Ed Helms is in this. “Oh, I didn’t know he was in this,” sources commented, surprised to see the 47-year-old The Hangover actor providing comic relief in a scene about an hour into the movie.

Report: Still Nothing More Fun Than A Kaleidoscope | Sep 17 2021

A survey of thrills, pastimes, and hobbies demonstrated that, even with all our modern technology, nothing is more fun than a kaleidoscope. “Every time you put your eye up to the barrel of a kaleidoscope and give the end a twist, it’s just as amazing as your first time,” said Jeff Firkus, a lawyer who keeps a kaleidoscope on his desk for whenever he needs a pick-me-up.

Romance Writer Clearly Obsessed With Loins | Sep 17 2021

According to recent reviews, regionally-renowned romance novelist Scarlet Greenblossom is clearly obsessed with loins. “Though her plots vary, the one constant across all of Greenblossom’s stories is loins,” noted Cheryl Wilkerson, a fan of the author’s work.

Six-Year-Old With Stick Menace To Society | Sep 17 2021

Picking up a stick from the ground, area six-year-old Benjamin Dawson quickly became a menace to civil society. “Ben has always loved the outdoors,” Benjamin’s mom Sherry Dawson said with a warm smile while her son hit everything in sight with his stick.

Study Proves Human Advancement Not Linear After Finding That Your Parents Were Once Hotter Than You | Sep 17 2021

According to a recent study, researchers concluded that human history does not follow a linear path of advancement since your parents were once hotter than you are now. “For as long as Sociology and Anthropology have existed as fields of study it was thought that humanity was always incrementally improving,” said head researcher Dr.

Third-Grader Who Just Learned How To Draw Spheres Drawing Spheres On Everything Now | Sep 17 2021

Confidently approaching a pad of sticky notes at his mom’s office with pen in hand, sources report that, ever since learning how to draw spheres, third-grader Max Hoffsfield is drawing spheres on everything. “Max was floored when he realized that spheres are just circles with some shading on the edges,” Max’s mother, Mallory Hoffsfield, said, holding up her son’s school notebooks, homework assignments, and Converse All-Star shoes, all covered in hand-drawn spheres.

Venmo Message Laziest Euphemism For Alcohol Yet | Sep 17 2021

The morning after a small kickback at her friend’s apartment, area woman Tricia Metz reportedly Venmoed the host $8 accompanied by her laziest euphemism for alcohol yet. “Who does she think she’s fooling?” wondered a fellow partygoer reading Metz’s message “bevs” followed by a swirly eye emoji, juice box emoji, and smiling devil face emoji.

We Could’ve Totally Made That Tik Tok, Friend Group Reports | Sep 17 2021

Reminiscing on the viral video shared in their group chat recently, a local friend group unanimously agreed they could totally have made that TikTok. “I swear we made this joke like two weeks ago,” said one group member, befuddled at how TikTok sensations — whose only job is to produce content with the aid of professional lighting and conventional good looks — beat his friend group to the punch.

Website’s Ranking Of "America’s Happiest City" Gonna Be Some Dumb Shit Like Des Moines | Sep 17 2021

According to readers of Travel + Leisure magazine, the publication’s annual ranking of “America’s Happiest Cities” is definitely going to be topped off by some dumb bullshit like Des Moines again. “Every year they think they’re dropping some bombshell by putting a dumbass place like Fargo, North Dakota or Lawrence, Kansas at the top of the list,” reader Monique Lopez said, flipping through past issues that insist various Midwestern cities are somehow more utopian than the hundreds of quaint beach towns and culturally-rich metro areas also in the running for the title.

Wow, Construction Really Coming Along, Reports Dad | Sep 17 2021

Passing by the construction on Main Street, area dad Bill Henderson reported that wow, all that construction’s really coming along. “Wow, they’re really getting a move-on there,” Henderson commented, squinting and pointing at the half-finished building. “Few weeks ago it was just a foundation and a couple beams. Now it’s got windows and stuff. Whaddayaknow.” At press time, Henderson was tossing off alleged facts about concrete.