The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Sep 17 2021 issue)

University Leaders Excited To Welcome So Many Streams Of Revenue Back To Campus | Sep 17 2021

As University operations approach some level of normalcy thanks to the coronavirus vaccines, Brown’s senior administration expressed excitement to welcome so many streams of revenue back to campus. “After a year and a half of a campus that felt so unfamiliar to us, it brings me great joy to see the return of the cash flow that makes Brown such a vital place,” said Provost Richard Locke, grateful that safe and effective vaccines have allowed the University to rake in pre-pandemic levels of dough.

CAPS To Offer Hugs From Big-Bosomed Women In Lieu Of Counseling | Sep 17 2021

In lieu of counseling this fall, CAPS has announced plans to instead offer comforting hugs from big-bosomed women. “Recent studies have proven that talk therapy just isn’t doing it for college students anymore,” explained Brown’s Vice President of Campus Life, Eric Estes, this past Tuesday.

Area Man Presses AC Button On Calculator Several Times Just In Case | Sep 17 2021

Rapidly punching the button with his right thumb, area man John Bates pressed the AC button on his calculator several times just in case. “I’m just being cautious, there’s no loss in that,” said Bates while adding many parentheses where he didn’t need them.

Classics Concentrator Puts Off Whole Quest Until Night Before It’s Due | Sep 17 2021

Cursing his past self for procrastinating on a project worth one-third of his final grade, classics concentrator Jason Portimedes ’22 reportedly put off his whole “Labors, Trials, and Heroic Acts” quest until the night before it’s due. “All I have so far is a canary with perfect pitch and 10 gold ingots and the project is due tonight at midnight,” said Portimedes, noting that this is a particularly tough quest to cram for considering the 2 to 4 weeks that snake skins typically need to ferment before congealing into flame retardant lotion.

As COVID Cases Rise, University Scrambles To Unveil New Word Search | Sep 17 2021

As the Delta variant continues to drive up Rhode Island’s COVID caseload, the University has scrambled to unveil a new word search. “From the onset of the pandemic, we have acted in support of one guiding principle: to protect the health of Brown’s students in whatever puzzle-related ways we are able,” wrote President Christina Paxson in an email to the Brown community.

Stupid Class Of 2025 Hasn't Realized They're Supposed to Dress Like Their Grandparents Yet | Sep 17 2021

Sources report that the Class of 2025 has stupidly not realized that they’re supposed to dress like their grandparents yet. Brown’s upperclassmen are eagerly waiting for them to figure it out. “I guess these stupid kids haven’t figured out how to dress yet because they haven’t had a chance to lay eyes on us upperclassmen who are a little more experienced and in-the-know,” theorized Callum Cowcomb ‘23, who was wearing a short-sleeve button-down that was baggy, musty, and deliciously beige.

Blue Room Reopens, Revealing Mummified Remains Of Those Trapped Within | Sep 17 2021

Brown has reopened the Blue Room Cafe, revealing the mummified remains of those students who were trapped inside in March of 2020. “The Blue Room was essentially frozen in time last March,” said Professor of Archaeology Tyler Franconi, using a small brush to remove dust from a long-abandoned Hydro Flask.

Blue Room Worker Struggling To Get That Glove On | Sep 17 2021

Helplessly watching as the Blue Room employee taking her sandwich order returned from washing his hands, sophomore Marie Harris reported that the worker was really struggling to get that glove on. “He put his index finger in the ring finger spot, and from there on he had to do all sorts of contortions to straighten it out,” Harris recalled, describing the worker’s increasingly desperate attempts to correctly insert his hand into the food-safe glove.

Brown Constructs New Campus Swimmin’ Hole To Encourage Students To Hoot ‘N Holler Outdoors | Sep 17 2021

In an attempt to dissuade students from gathering indoors, Brown has completed construction on a brand new swimmin’ hole to encourage students to hoot ‘n holler outdoors when their book-learnin’s all done. “We recognize that the presence of the Delta variant has complicated our plans to fully reopen this fall,” wrote president Christina Paxson in an all-campus email.

COVID Dashboard Just Link To Ashish Jha Twitter Thread | Sep 17 2021

Reading the Priority item in Thursday night’s Today@Brown, students reported that the University’s COVID dashboard is now just a weekly-updated link to an Ashish Jha Twitter thread. “We used to include all sorts of information in the COVID dashboard updates,” Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy Russell Carey explained, copying and pasting links to Dean Jha’s most viral Twitter threads to include in future emails.

COVID Resurgence Turns .5er’s Graduation Plan Into Complex Polynomial Equation | Sep 17 2021

As the COVID-19 Delta variant leads to a spike in coronavirus-related hospitalizations and deaths, senior Connor McArthur’s request to take another leave of absence has turned his graduation plan into a complex polynomial equation. “The Advising Office plugged my new leave request information into Desmos and the graph they got looked super fucked up,” said McArthur, scratching his head as he tried to wrap his head around his revised graduation date.

Discussion Post So Well Written You Wouldn’t Know Their Dad Is A Donor | Sep 17 2021

After effectively conveying his point and meeting the standards routinely met by his classmates, sources report that sociology student David Beelman’s discussion post is so well written you wouldn’t even be able to tell that his dad is a donor. “I read the whole post and never once made the connection between David Beelman from class and the Beelman Foreign Development and Resource Appreciation Building!” exclaimed one fellow classmate.

Freshman Eager To Repeat Highschool Friend’s Story As Personal Anecdote | Sep 17 2021

Hundreds of miles from home, freshman Elias Drudger eagerly repeated his more interesting high school friend’s story as though it were his own personal anecdote. “So I told the lieutenant governor,” said Drudger, concluding a story that, even to his very new friends, seemed completely inconsistent with his personality.

Hands Wiped On Roommate’s Towel | Sep 17 2021

Scanning his bathroom for a suitable place to dry his hands, sources report that junior Gene Niceton went ahead and wiped them on his roommate’s towel. “It’s not like Wes will know if I use just this tiny corner of his towel,” Niceton reported, patting his hands dry on his roommate’s personal body towel hanging near the shower.

It So Weird To See People In Person Again, Reports Student Coming Directly From Martha’s Vineyard Mega-Soirée | Sep 17 2021

Sophomore Adam Cahan has reported that it’s so weird to see people in person again after arriving on campus straight from a Martha’s Vineyard mega-soirée. “After a year of us all living online, it’s really strange to see all these people up close and personal,” said Cahan, unpacking the decorative leis that had been handed out at the luau-themed ultra-blowout.

Paxson Delivers Stirring Rendition Of “Back Together (And Baby Don’t It Feel Good)” At Opening Convocation | Sep 17 2021

At this year’s Opening Convocation, President Christina Paxson delivered a stirring rendition of the 1977 hit “Back Together (And Baby Don’t It Feel Good)” to the incoming freshman class. In her musicalized remarks, Paxson explained to the crowd that they had been “Kept apart for a thousand years” and that she needed “Some good reason to dry my tears.” She went on to add that “Shoo bee doo doo, shoo bee doo doo, it always was you, it always was you, baby” before launching into the central theme of this year’s speech.

Report: .5ers Kind Of Clingy At This Point | Sep 17 2021

According to the rest of Brown’s student body, the class of 2021.5 is kind of clingy at this point. “Don’t get me wrong, I like the ’.5ers, I just think that it’s time for them to move on,” stated Chloe Freeman ’22, clearly annoyed that seniors from last year are still seniors this year.

Report: Black Mold In Shower Probably Okay | Sep 17 2021

Eyeing the mysterious black mold in the corner of his shower, Marty Tillerson ’22 reported that the substance is probably okay. “Can’t be that serious. Let’s just leave it be,” Tillerson said to his roommates, blindly assuring himself that the growing cluster of spores poses no threat to their health.

Report: Everyone In Improv Group Has Kissed | Sep 17 2021

According to members of the improv group Sea Monkey Circus, everyone in the group has kissed at least once. “Ok, so Eleanor and Jakob hooked up freshman year but it ended really badly after she caught him sucking face with Lane at our post-show party that September,” club president Debbie Schwartz ’22.5 explained, walking through the events that led to each possible pair of people in the group kissing each other.

ResLife Assigns Roommates To Single Bed Like Grandparents In Willy Wonka | Sep 17 2021

ResLife has reportedly assigned a group of four roommates to a single bed they share like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. “I knew we were in trouble when we were put into late assignment,” stated Tyler García ’23 as he opened his door, revealing an iron-framed bed in the middle of the room.

Rich Student Can’t Fathom Privilege Of Slightly Richer Student | Sep 17 2021

Struggling to wrap his head around the realities of institutional wealth, sophomore Harry Walsh couldn’t fathom the privilege of his classmate who is slightly richer than himself. “Thomas has never faced a hardship in his life,” Walsh said, referring to his classmate whose net worth is more-or-less comparable to his own.

Sophomores Can't Wait to Finally Experience Brown's Terrible Parties | Sep 17 2021

Sources report that after a locked-down freshman year and a rocky start to the fall semester, sophomores can’t wait to finally experience Brown’s terrible parties. “I’ve really been looking forward to having a phenomenally disappointing social life,” said sophomore Brian Lu, referring to the brightly-lit, slightly-damp crew parties that have been missing from his college experience so far.

Summer Students Still Drowsy From Quick Power Nap Between Semesters | Sep 17 2021

The students who attended Brown over the summer are still drowsy from their quick power nap between semesters, sources report. “I wrapped up my summer courses this morning,” stated second-year Samantha Li as she woke up from her first genuine nap in four months.

University Preaches COVID Caution, Maintains Confidence, Preaches Confidently Maintaining Cautious Confidence | Sep 17 2021

In a recent email, President Christina Paxson and University administration preached COVID caution, while maintaining their confidence and advising students to confidently maintain cautious confidence. “Now is a time for celebration, sacrifice, relaxation, and vigilance,” the email announced.

“So, Yeah” Perfectly Ties Up Presentation | Sep 17 2021

According to classmates in his anthropology seminar, sophomore Eric Sluice perfectly wrapped up his presentation about the perils of the coal mining industry with the phrase “So, yeah”. “Anyway, that’s about it,” Sluice concluded, expertly wrapping up his description of the atrocities of modern mineral strip mining with a handful of rushed syllables and a Powerpoint slide featuring a New Yorker cartoon only tangentially related to his research.

“What Is History?” Asks Essay Intro Written At 11:55 PM | Sep 17 2021

Sophomore Tom Meyer reportedly asked “What is history?” in the introduction to his essay written at 11:55 PM this past Wednesday. “I was racking my brain for the perfect introduction,” Meyer explained. “I had four minutes until the paper was due and would need at least two minutes to upload and submit the file, and suddenly inspiration came to me.” “What is history, and what does it mean to study it?” the pensive paper asks.

Everyone On Main Green Glad You Brought Guitar | Sep 17 2021

After getting treated to a surprise one-man concert last Thursday, everyone on the Main Green reported how awfully glad they were that you brought your guitar. “Well gosh golly, isn’t this something?” said everybody who got the pleasure of hearing your interpretation of ‘Stairway to Heaven’ played as loudly as possible.

Nostalgic Ratty Visit Cut Short After Senior Remembers It The Ratty | Sep 17 2021

Sources report that senior Trish Gonzales decided to cut short her nostalgic visit to the Ratty after remembering that, after all, it’s the Ratty. “I’ve been talking about revisiting the Ratty for months now,” Gonzales said after spending eighteen dollars only to leave five minutes later.

Sophomores Unsure How They Going To Pass Classes Without Googling Answers | Sep 17 2021

Anxious about completing the new semester in-person, sophomore Glenn Benson ’24 reported that he isn’t sure how he will pass his classes without just googling every answer. “Everyone always says the second year of college is the hardest,” said Benson, fretting over the uncertainties of a college experience that involves actual studying.