The Brown Noser

Campus Life (May 03 2024 issue)

University Delivers Giant Wooden Tent Filled With Police Officers To Encampment | May 03 2024

University officials recently delivered a giant wooden tent, which was reportedly filled with police officers, to the Gaza solidarity encampment on the Main Green. “They pretended like they were just giving us another tent, but we obviously knew something was off because this tent was huge, wooden, and on wheels,” said encamper Ruby Goldstein as police officers began peeking out from the inside of the tent.

Student Uninterested In Spring Weekend Music Compensating By Mixing LSD With A Little Antifreeze | May 03 2024

Sources from the Main Green on Spring Weekend report that student Thomas Withers is going to compensate for the boring music by mixing their LSD with a dash of antifreeze. “Yves Tumor is such an exciting artist,” said Wither, squeezing a little blue AutoZone bottle onto tabs of LSD.

DPS Officer Asking For ID And If They Can Get A Turn On Those Bongos | May 03 2024

In recent news, a Department of Public Safety officer was asking students for their IDs and if they can maybe get a bop on those bongos. “We saw a swarm of DPS officers coming towards us,” said sophomore Alex Jones, rolling up his sleeping bag and enjoying his canned beans breakfast.

Roommate Getting Confronted About Roadkill Collection Conveniently Had Another Really Stressful Day | May 03 2024

Junior Atticus Lang is once again conveniently avoiding a conversation regarding his roadkill collection by claiming he’s just had another really rough day. “They aggressively cornered me even though they know I’ve had a really hard day. They were all like, ‘You need to do something about your roadkill collection right now,’ with absolutely no regard for whether or not I was in a good place to have that conversation,” said Atticus about his roommates, who three weeks ago had discovered a mysteriously wet and deeply malodorous cardboard box in a closet that had since become increasingly revolting.

Only Redemption For BCA Member Is Deleting Instagram Posts, Fleeing Country, Living Out Rest Of Days As Kindly Dairy Farmer In Rural Mountain Village | May 03 2024

After weeks of scathing comments, sources have begun to speculate that the only chance of redemption for members of the Brown Concert Agency consists of deleting posts from social media, fleeing the country, and quietly living out the rest of their days as kindly dairy farmers in rural mountain villages.

Language Student Constructs Sentence Entirely Out Of False Cognates | May 03 2024

Reports reveal that student Benji Wilson constructed an entire sentence out of false cognates in his French class. “Je veux attendre l’event à la location que vous havez sayé,” Wilson allegedly said, as other students averted their eyes. “Si no, je vais havoir mouche pain.” At press time, Wilson crossed the Rubicon and began inventing English words.

Report: Everything On The Street Suddenly Super Interesting When Someone You Sort Of Know Is Walking Toward You | May 03 2024

A recent report has found that everything on the street suddenly becomes super interesting when someone you sort of know is walking toward you. “When a vague acquaintance is headed your way, the sidewalk actually becomes 500 percent more interesting,” said Dan Chamberlain, the lead psychologist conducting the study.

Indy Gonna Print A Bunch Of Blank Papers To Symbolize Some Shit | May 03 2024

The editors of The College Hill Independent announced that their next issue will consist of a bunch of completely blank papers that will symbolize some shit. “We plan on printing and distributing papers filled with absolutely nothing in order to emphasize some metaphorical garbage about the state of whatever,” Indy Managing Editor Marie Albrite said, downloading a pdf full of empty white pages.

Stickers On Laptop Remind Student Of Their Personality | May 03 2024

After a confusing couple of minutes away from her laptop, junior Lauren Kim was reminded of her whole personality by her laptop stickers. “I had walked from my south campus dorm all the way to my Smitty-B seminar, and by the time I arrived at the classroom, I was completely at a loss for who I was,” said Kim, racking her brain for the morsels of her character that made up her identity.

“This Experiment Definitely Wouldn’t Be Considered Ethical Today,” Brags Psych Professor | May 03 2024

“This experiment definitely wouldn’t be considered ethical today,” psychology professor Julia Byrnes noted with a devilish smile. “Back in the good ol’ days, we were able to really probe the limits of human knowledge,” Byrnes explained, projecting images of abused children and animals.

"There No More News," Reports BDH | May 03 2024

According to a recent Brown Daily Herald article, there is no more news. “We’re all out,” said BDH Editor-In-Chief Louise Haler, receiving no news alerts on her phone. “The news has already all been reported, and there’s none left.” “This is definitely a challenge for student journalists, being out of news,” Haler continued, scouring Google’s “news” tab and coming up with nothing.

Primary Source Author Saying The Darndest Things | May 03 2024

Reports indicate that primary source author Thomas Allen has been saying the darndest things. “His diary entries describing life as a factory worker really make you understand the human element of the labor movement,” student Suzie Goldvarg explained. “But don’t get him started on people of color, women, other immigrant groups, religious minorities, religious majorities, or horses.” At press time, students were googling Allen’s outdated slurs.

Asking Comp Lit Concentrator About Post-Grad Plans Now Considered Micro-Agression | May 03 2024

For those concentrating in Comparative Literature, being asked about plans for after graduation now constitutes a micro-aggression. “This kind of violent language where career-advantaged students flaunt their privilege by asking about post-grad plans is unacceptable at a modern University such as Brown,” stated Kasey Smith-Cotrell ’24 who has loose plans to travel abroad or film a documentary after graduating this spring.

20-Page Reading Assignment Actually 40 Pages Because Each Page Really Two Smaller Pages On One Page | May 03 2024

According to sophomore Taylor McDougall, the 20-page reading assignment for her history class is actually 40 pages because each page is really just two smaller pages on one page. “I looked at Canvas to see what homework I had for class tomorrow, and thought ‘oh, 20 pages isn’t that bad’,” McDougall explained, dismayed to find that each page was really a horizontal page with two vertical pages of reading printed next to each other on it.

Dorm Freezer Somehow Developing Pungent Funk Despite It Being Very Cold In There | May 03 2024

The freezer in the Woolley fourth floor kitchen has been reported to be emitting a foul stench despite the fact that it is very cold inside the freezer. “It wasn’t like this at the beginning of the semester,” said freshman Angus Pullman, standing befuddled on his brown shag carpet which had started out as white.

Anonymous STD Notification Could Realistically Only Be From Like One Or Two People | May 03 2024

According to trusted sources, the anonymous STD notification junior Ty Horton just received could realistically only be from like one or two people. “‘A sexual partner has recently tested positive for an STD and is notifying you via anonymous message.

Total Loser On When2Meet Free All Day | May 03 2024

In a recent When2Meet sent for an English DUG meeting, total loser Rosalinda Deluz self-reported being free the entire day. “The invite was for a Friday night. This dweeb put that she was free from 7AM to midnight with zero other preoccupations,” said DUG leader Thelma Gibson as she carefully shaded in her own cooler 15 minutes of availability total on the shared schedule.

Guy Who’s Presenting Would Love To Make It More Of A Class Discussion If That’s Cool | May 03 2024

Reports indicate that the guy presenting his final project in your history seminar would actually love to make it more of a class discussion if that’s cool. “I mean, I have a bunch of slides and stuff prepared that I could go through and talk about, but honestly, I think this will be a lot more insightful if you guys participate too,” said presenter Will Limelli, who realistically has about four minutes of content prepared for this 35-minute presentation and is now relying on you, the class, to fill out that additional 31 minutes.

Lame SexPowerGod Party Only Offended Like Three Traditionalists | May 03 2024

Sources from the revived SexPowerGod party hosted last month confirm that it only offended three traditionalists. “I’m always down to protest the moral degeneration of American youth, but this was a little underwhelming,” said traditionalist, Dan Scout, as students milled about in their underpants outside the hosting nightclub.

IAPA Is A Way Dumber Acronym When Your Mom Says It Like That | May 03 2024

During an excruciating FaceTime call yesterday, an International and Public Affairs (Security Track) concentrator’s mother continually mispronounced the acronym “IAPA.” “I just don’t understand the ‘public affairs’ part of yapa,” said Kathy Manderson, mother of Jerry Manderson ‘26.

Hookups Between Underground Employees So Incestuous They Rival Tudor England | May 03 2024

Recent reports from the Underground show that all of the employees have hooked up with each other at one point or another, creating a web of encounters more incestuous than that of Tudor Era England. “Clarke and Baker have been seeing each other casually for a month or so,” veteran barista Alex Caldwell told reporters as two other workers flirted through eye contact as though they were across the high court from one another.

Fifth-Year Master’s Student Walks Into Grad Center Bar Like Notorious Gunfighter Back In Saloon For One Last Rodeo | May 03 2024

Reports indicate that fifth-year master’s student Jake Richardson strode into the Grad Center Bar last Friday like a notorious gunfighter back in the saloon for one last rodeo. “Here we go again,” grumbled the bartender as Richardson reportedly pushed through the door with his eyes scanning the room like a seasoned outlaw surveying his old stomping grounds.

Professor That Means Business Refers To Pants As Trousers | May 03 2024

Sources at Brown University confirmed that notoriously hardcore History professor, Larry Merkin, refers to his pants as trousers. “He’s operating in a whole different plane of authority,” said freshman Damien Bronson, quaking in his boots after Merkin announced students would submit next week’s ‘deliverables’ over ‘electronic mail,’ or via fax machine.

Area Woman Realizing Only Way Out Of Bad Story Is To Lie About What Happens Next | May 03 2024

With a sinking feeling, area woman Jane D’Esta, is slowly realizing the only way out of this bad story is to completely lie about what happens next. “So, THEN, a cop comes around the corner and says: ‘Ma’am, no surfing in the zoo!’” exclaimed D’Esta to a round of raucous laughter from listeners who were spared the real end of the story where Jane and her friends just have a normal day at the zoo.

Literary Arts Concentrator’s Poem Definitely Could’ve Just Been A Sentence | May 03 2024

Following its publication, reports stated that Literary Arts concentrator megan decker’s poem definitely could’ve just been a sentence. “i wanted to use spacing/ to emphasize the/ heart/ break/ behind my words,” said decker, who likely could’ve made her point much clearer by writing her words in a sentence.

Roommate’s Chore Contribution Was Making The Chore List, Yours Is To Clean The Toilet, Kitchen, And Floors Twice This Week | May 03 2024

According to Tiffany Danford, your roommate, your chore this week is to clean the toilet, kitchen, and floors twice and hers was to make the roommate chore list. “Whew, that was a hassle. But don’t worry, I’ve finally completed a rotating chore matrix, so it’ll just be those three things for you this week,” said Danford, checking the box next to her name to indicate her chore for the week is done.

Student Smoking Outside Faunce Just Claude | May 03 2024

Sources report that the student smoking outside Faunce is literally just Claude. “I was wondering who that mysterious and alluring person could be,” said sophomore Caroline Marks, observing the dejected figure smoking a pack or two outside Faunce just because. “But then I realized it was actually just Claude. Claude from my English class.” At press time, a student reading under the Main Green tree was just Esme.

Solar Eclipse Actually Just Brown Admissions Ploy To Get All Students On Green For Brochure Pictures | May 03 2024

An investigation confirmed that the solar eclipse was staged by Brown Admissions as a scheme to get students on the Main Green for brochure photos. “We looked closely into the issue and found extensive proof that the whole thing was a hoax,” said a student representative from Brown Flat Earth Society.