The Brown Noser

New Poll Finds Historic Number Of Americans Plan To Be Aware That Midterm Elections Exist | Oct 26 2018

A new poll released by Gallup on the eve of the 2018-midterm elections indicates that a historic number of Americans plan to be aware that midterm elections do in fact exist. The results, which surveyed a representative sample of registered voters, indicate that 63% of Americans have plans to know that midterm elections are taking place on Tuesday, November 6th, up from a dismal 52% in 2014.

Bike-Sharing Program Rendered Irrelevant By New Horse-Sharing Program | Oct 26 2018

According to city officials, Providence’s bike-sharing program has now been rendered obsolete by an elegant new horse-sharing program. JUMP Electric Bikes, which launched at the beginning of September, has seen its usage steadily decline due to an increase in exquisite communal horses strolling throughout Brown’s campus.

Entire Campus Wakes Up Smiling Knowing They Get To Read A New Brown Daily Herald | Oct 26 2018

Blissfully stretching their arms and letting out a big yawn, every Brown student woke up this morning smiling at the thought that a new issue of the Brown Daily Herald comes out today. “Every morning, I wake up positively giddy about the idea of reading eight pages of new BDH content,” said senior Nicole Yan.

New Off Campus Meal Plan Just Leftover Club Info-Session Kabob & Curry | Oct 26 2018

This week, Brown Dining Services announced the creation of a new off-campus meal plan that just includes Kabob and Curry leftovers from club meetings held around campus. “Our new off-campus meal-plan is designed to be an affordable option for students living off campus,” reported a BDS spokeswoman.

Freshman Going To Hold Off For A Couple More Minutes Before Texting Unit-Mate About Dinner | Oct 26 2018

Trying not to come on too strong, freshman Josh Maloney has reported that he’s going to hold off a couple minutes more before texting his unit mate to see if he wants to get dinner. “I don’t want to seem overzealous so I’ll just wait it out for a little while longer,” reported Maloney.

Ratty Introducing Halloween-Themed "Oops! All Pumpkins" Menu For October | Oct 26 2018

Brown University Dining Services announced Monday that the Ratty planned to introduce a Halloween-themed “Oops! All Pumpkins” menu for the rest of October. “It’s pretty straightforward,” said BDS spokesman Walt Winslow. “There was an accident at the food factory and they sent us 1,000 times more pumpkins than we wanted.

Literary Arts Professor Just A Fleeting, Enigmatic Cloud Of Energy | Oct 26 2018

Filing into Granoff on Wednesday, students in LITR1900 “Universal Poem World: A Look into Vibes of Prose Feelings” prepared for another class taught by an esteemed professor who’s nothing more than a fleeting, enigmatic cloud of energy. “I decided to shop this class because the material looked interesting, but what really sealed the deal was the instructor,” reported sophomore Gerald Fones.

Report: It’s True, RISD Students Are 500% Cooler Than You, Don’t Even Look At Them, You Worthless Scum | Oct 26 2018

A recent report put out by researchers at Brown University has verified suspicions that RISD students are 500% cooler than you. “It’s true,” confirmed lead researcher Dr. Ann-Marie Buegler, “RISD students are just in a completely different league.

Everyone In Coffee Exchange On One Big Tinder Date | Oct 26 2018

According to eyewitnesses who went to Coffee Exchange last Saturday afternoon, every single person sitting in the coffee shop was on one big Tinder date with each other. “The place just has a really great atmosphere and is the perfect place to meet someone for a date,” said Lauren Trent, one of the nearly 30 people on the date.

Meiklejohn Decides To Take One Of Her Advisees S/NC | Oct 26 2018

Facing the deadline for changing grade options, Meiklejohn Liz Guerrero has decided to take one of her advisees S/NC. “I know everyone says not to take 5 advisees, but I was feeling ambitious this semester,” said Guerrero. “My advising partner told me it’s not that weird for people to take one S/NC every semester.” “He studies Sociology, which is outside of my concentration,” said Guerrero.

Oh Look, The Computer Science Students Are Whining Again | Oct 26 2018

Hearing loud complaints such as “my code won’t work and there’s literally no reason that it shouldn’t” and “I haven’t seen the sun in three days”, Brown’s entire campus recently became aware that the computer science students were, in fact, whining once again about their chosen concentration.

Maud Mandel Forced To Slay Buck For Williams Dining Hall | Oct 26 2018

Reflecting on her first few months as President of Williams College, former Dean Maud Mandel told reporters that she was forced to slay a 210-pound buck in order to supply the Williams Dining Hall with enough food for the student body. “I spied the white-tailed buck at the foot of Mount Greylock and tracked it all the way to the head of the Taconic Trail,” said Mandel, describing her week-long expedition into the Berkshires.

Econ Major Shows Up In Full Tuxedo For Goldman Sachs Recruiting Session | Oct 26 2018

At Goldman Sachs’ Fall 2018 recruiting session, sophomore Economics concentrator Mike Lewis showed up in a full tuxedo, sources report. “In order to network successfully, you have to make an impression,” Lewis said, adding, "This was just a logical and completely reasonable response to the situation.

Shiru Manager Closes Up, Swabs Discarded Cups For DNA | Oct 26 2018

According to eyewitness reports, the manager of Shiru Cafe was seen closing up shop by stacking the chairs, gathering discarded drinkware, and then donning latex gloves to inspect the drinks for leftover genetic material. “My manager always helps us clean up after we close,” reported Shiru employee Jeffrey Bauer, explaining what he saw while he was looking up from the register.

Nitro Cart Employees Admit They Want To Drive It Around Like A Little Clown Car | Oct 26 2018

Wistfully staring at their pint-sized workplace, employees of the Nitro Cart admitted that they want to drive it around like a little clown car. Although the popular coffee stop is beloved by students for its rich, frothy brew, it’s more notorious to employees as a potential mode of novelty transportation.

Senior Knows That One Sociology Class Will Come In Handy During Thanksgiving Argument With Conservative Uncle | Oct 26 2018

According to senior Margot Heller, that one sociology class she took freshman year will definitely come in handy during this year’s annual Thanksgiving argument with her slightly conservative uncle. “Sure, I took this class S/NC three years ago, but that one statistic I vaguely remember about health outcome disparities will serve as solid ammunition,” explained Heller, who hopes to use what she remembers from the class to decimate her right-leaning uncle’s entire worldview.

Ghost Haunting John Street Basement Scrambling To Find Subletter Before Going Abroad Next Semester | Oct 26 2018

Sources report that Sara Winchester, the ghost currently haunting the basement of 66 John Street, is scrambling to find a subletter before going abroad next semester. Winchester, who signed a yearlong lease to torment the tenants who live on the floors above, still hasn’t found an equally eerie banshee to replace her come January.

Optimistic Freshman Plans For Group Halloween Costume | Oct 26 2018

As Halloween quickly approaches, sources report that Susie Newman, a first year from Vermont, is being a little too optimistic as she plans for a group Halloween costume. “Me and Jules and Meggie are just so tight,” said Newman, while meticulously combing through Pinterest for inspiration.

Student Can't Decide If She Wants To Grow Up To Be John Krasinski Or Janet Yellen | Oct 26 2018

Mulling over her career options in a meeting with a CareerLAB counselor, student Sam Chen just can’t decide if she wants to grow up to be John Krasinski or Janet Yellen. “I know what kind of career options are available to me with a Brown degree: I could be a John or a Janet,” Chen explained.

Worker At Jo’s Salad Station Chopping Lettuce Like He’s Some Kind Of Serial Killer | Oct 26 2018

According to sources, a worker at the Jo’s salad station late Tuesday night was seen chopping lettuce like he was some kind of cold-blooded serial killer. “First, he sorted out all of the spinach and sliced off the stems,” said sophomore Lyle Pham, describing the disturbingly sinister methods the worker used to break the leafy green into small, consumable pieces.

Brown To Start Putting Up More Big White Tents Instead Of New Buildings | Oct 26 2018

In an effort to better meet the needs of Brown’s growing student body, the Corporation announced a bold new plan to put up some more big white tents around campus. “For years now, we’ve been expanding Brown’s campus through extensive construction and renovation projects,” said Mitch Giatti, vice president for campus planning.

Senior In Need Of Groceries Decides It’s Time To Catch Up With That One Girl With Car | Oct 26 2018

Fervently digging through his contact list, senior David Minsk decided Wednesday that it was about time to catch up with that girl who has a car, and also time to get groceries. “Moriah was in my unit freshman year,” Minsk said after peering into his empty fridge.

Textbook Buy-Back Just Taking The Ones With Shiny Covers | Oct 26 2018

In response to widespread student frustration about the inability to return textbooks, the Brown Bookstore recently admitted that their textbook buy-back program is just taking the ones with shiny covers. “Listen, the shiny ones are just prettier,” argued bookstore manager Ted Dorsey, who doesn’t plan on settling for anything less.

Juul Hits Back At FDA: We Would Never Market To Teens, Fam | Oct 26 2018

In response to accusations from the Food and Drug Administration that they illegally marketed their e-cigarette products to teens, Juul Labs said that they would, "never market to teens, fam.” “That wouldn’t be lit at all,” said the maker of the popular vaping product, Juul.

New Starbucks Seasonal Drink Just Coffee Poured Over Scented Candle | Oct 26 2018

According to a recent press release by Starbucks Corporation, the company’s latest seasonal drink is just coffee poured over a scented candle. CEO Kevin Johnson explained that the new product is an innovative evolution of their beloved Pumpkin Spice Latte.

Jeff Bezos Shocked Massive Mob Of People Hasn’t Just Banded Together And Murdered Him At This Point | Oct 26 2018

Sources report Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon and the richest man in the world with a net worth of over $160 billion, is shocked that a massive group of people hasn’t just banded together and murdered him at this point. “I really can’t believe people are putting up with this," Bezos said Friday.

Palantir Interviewer Casually Tosses In Question About Morality Of Murder | Oct 26 2018

During a recent job interview, a Palantir Technologies recruiter casually threw in a question about the ethics of murder, reports Jack Rosenblatt ‘19. In spite of his preparation for a phone interview with the tech consulting giant known for its shadowy police-state dealings, the senior recalled being fairly surprised by the nonchalant reference to homicide.

Senator Takes Brave, Bipartisan Stand Against Human Decency | Oct 26 2018

Calling it one of the toughest decisions of his career, Rhode Island Democratic Senator Floyd Bobbler took a brave bipartisan stand last Tuesday and crossed party lines to vote against human decency. “I am not going to let partisan politics, or a basic sense of right and wrong, stand in the way of progress for our country,” Bobbler reported after the vote.

Elizabeth Warren Releases Results Of New DNA Test Proving She's 80% Down-To-Earth, 20% Badass | Oct 26 2018

During a visit to Brown University on Wednesday, Massachusetts Senator and likely 2020 Presidential Candidate Elizabeth Warren released the results of a new DNA test proving that she is 80% “down to Earth” and 20% “badass”. “Republicans have been doubting my ancestral claims that I’m very relatable but also really cool,” explained Warren, who stood proudly by her heritage.

Campus Life (Oct 26 2018 issue)