The Brown Noser

Man Playing Call Of Duty Relieved This Sort Of Stuff Doesn’t Happen Anymore | Dec 06 2013

Local gamer Matt Davis yesterday expressed relief that the carnage and suffering depicted in the popular first-person shooter were a thing of past. “10 of my online comrades were shot this morning,” said Davis. "I sent those men to die as if they were expendable.

Domino’s Technicians Now Able To Go From 0 To Pizza In 60 Seconds by Louisa Kellogg | Dec 06 2013

Domino’s Pizza technicians announced at a press conference at the Domino’s Test Lab yesterday that they were now able to go from 0 to pizza in just 60 seconds, a speed that pizza specialists are saying could completely change the way we think of pizza.

Christ Cult Celebrates Annual Festival Of Virgin Birth | Dec 06 2013

A cult group claiming to be followers of a so-called “Christ” has begun their annual festival of virgin birth. Members of the fringe religious sect inaugurate the winter festival by erecting an uprooted evergreen tree in their homes and decorating it with small cultic idols.

Everyone Suddenly Cares About Cow Dementia Now That Famous Cow Has It | Dec 06 2013

Following the revelation that Chompers the celebrity cow has contracted cow dementia, the nation has responded with an outpouring of support and awareness of the previously ignored cow disease. “Before Chompers, victims of cow dementia in this society were basically invisible,” said veterinarian and cow specialist Holly Iverson.

Area Dads All Set To Jam This Sunday At Greg’s | Dec 06 2013

According to various sources, a group of local dads are locked and loaded for a jam session at Greg’s this Sunday. “Billy Marisco says he’s down, Tommy Goldman, Cesar Rubio, Marty Chandler,” said jam session host Greg Boda on a recent email thread with the subject line, “Jam at Greg’s this Sunday???” “Well, fellas,” he added, “looks like we’re all set to jam!” Sources indicate that the jam will take place, as usual, in Boda’s basement, which has been converted into a home music studio complete with amps, two mic stands, effects pedals, a Miller High Life neon sign, soundproof paneling, a lava lamp, several vintage rock posters, a Leslie Rotator, Boda’s LP collection, Boda’s CD collection, and a Fender Rhodes.

Area Man Discovers Apartment Has Bad Papa Roach Infestation | Dec 06 2013

Calling it a particularly nasty case, area man Peter Bilkmore told reporters that he awoke today to find his apartment had been badly infested by multiplatinum-selling hard rock band Papa Roach. “Around 5 a.m. I heard what sounded like early 2000s rap-rock coming from the basement,” remarked Bilkmore as he put in earplugs to block out the noisy swarm of alt-rockers below him.

Area Man Hopes New iPhone Improves Likelihood Of Anyone Responding To His Texts | Dec 06 2013

Providence local Max Foster has reportedly made the switch to the new iPhone 5s this Wednesday, hoping that maybe now someone will finally text him back. “My friends haven’t really been responding to my texts lately,” said Foster. “I figured it must be some problem with my phone, so I went out and got the new iPhone.

BREAKING: Grandmother So Small Now | Dec 06 2013

According to breaking reports, local grandmother Martha Neilson is now so much smaller than she was the last time her grandkids saw her. “She opened the door, and I couldn’t believe how tiny she’d gotten,” said granddaughter Ellen Casey. Casey’s updates from her grandmother’s Gloucester, Mass., home indicate that Neilson is significantly shorter and more hunched over than she was last time Casey visited a year ago.

Businessman Watching Dance Class Through Window Dares To Imagine What If | Dec 06 2013

According to sources outside Veronica Chase Dance Studio this afternoon, a businessman watching a dance class through the front window dared to imagine what if. “What if I just gave Robertson my notice tomorrow and demanded my month’s pay on the spot,” the man reportedly speculated, watching as a ballet instructor demonstrated for the class a versatile, complex and elegant choreography.

Government Uses Arcade Game To Scout For Potential Fighter Pilots For Government Arcade Game Tournament Team | Dec 06 2013

According to a recent report by the Department of Defense, the U.S. government has been tracking high scores on the classic arcade game “Galaga” in order to scout for potential fighter pilots for the U.S. Arcade Game Tournament Team. “In order to reach a high score in ‘Galaga,’ players must demonstrate certain key skills that are also critical to piloting fighter jets,” explained Senior Defense Official Alex Ramirez.

Grandkids Visit Future Assets For The Holidays | Dec 06 2013

20-year-old Allison Wilder and 22-year-old Natalie Wilder told sources that they were planning on traveling to Florida for the holidays in order to spend some time with their future possessions. “It’s not always that much fun, but it’s important that we don’t neglect them,” Allison said referring to the property and possessions she will likely inherit from her ailing grandparents.

Hillary Clinton Copies 2008 Campaign Speech Into New Document, Sighs, Closes Computer | Dec 06 2013

Sources close to Hillary Clinton confirm that last night the former Secretary of State copied a speech from her 2008 campaign for president into a new document, sighed, and then slowly closed her computer. Clad in sweatpants and a t-shirt, the former senator and presidential candidate had reportedly told members of her staff that she “had to take care of something.” She then stared at her computer for several seconds before copying the contents of file named “My Promise to the People” into a new document and closing it soon thereafter.

Interracial Couple Stays Together To Get Paid For iStockPhoto Shoots | Dec 06 2013

Victor Polk and Samantha Claremont, a half-black, half-white couple who have been dating for two years, have decided to stay together in order to make money off iStock photo shoots. Despite their frequent fights and lack of real affection for one another, the allure of a paycheck for something as easy as smiling on a park bench is enough to keep them together.

John Kerry Solves All Middle Eastern Disputes Just By Being American | Dec 06 2013

The Middle East experienced total peace for the first time in thousands of years yesterday, resulting from a conference led by Secretary of State John Kerry, in which regional leaders were swayed by the fact that the diplomat was an American. Eyewitnesses report that upon arriving at the war-torn area of the world, Kerry embarked upon a tour-de-force of American charm and strength, metaphorically raising himself up by his bootstraps, while displaying a can-do attitude that citizens of the Middle East had never seen before.

Man Toasts To Another Year Of Going From His Apartment To His Car To His Office And Back Every Day | Dec 06 2013

Local man Michael Dover started his 35th birthday celebration with a toast to another year of the same routine, going from his apartment to his car to his office and back every day. The celebration took place at O’Neil’s Pub, a bar that Dover likes to think of as his favorite, but which he rarely goes to now that things are so busy at work.

Young Journalist Aspires To One Day Have The First Two Sentences Of Her Articles Skimmed By Millions | Dec 06 2013

Budding journalist Anna Bremer admits that she still has a long way to go, but hopes that one day millions of people will click on, skim, and misunderstand the articles she writes. “I’ve been working really hard,” Bremer commented. “If I want to achieve my goals, it’s important that I become a good writer so that when people glance through my articles on their smart phones while they’re in a meeting, they’ll get all the facts.” Sources reported that, despite the harsh competition aspiring journalists face, Bremer has not given up her dream of influencing the uninformed arguments of people who look through her articles for statements with which they agree.

News Outlets Of 2000 B.C. Declare Death Of Words-Branded-Into-Side-Of-Cow Media | Dec 06 2013

Reporter Pu-dagan Abiyamuta has issued a grim editorial in yesterday’s Cow, proclaiming the “death of words-branded-into-side-of-cow media.” His sentiments were echoed by most of the proto-Hellene news community, who claim that bovine mutilation has been replaced by more modern types of media, such as smearing animal blood on a rock and rubbing burnt sticks against tree pulp amalgamates.

No Mountain High Enough, No Valley Low Enough, No River Wide Enough, Department Of Interior Reports | Dec 06 2013

The U.S. Department of the Interior released a long-term study Tuesday, revealing several glaring geographical insufficiencies in the nation’s landscape, which, at this present time, has absolutely no chance of shielding civilians from the power of love.

Obama To Escalate War On Pakistani Grandmothers | Dec 06 2013

At a press conference earlier today, President Barack Obama announced that after years of fighting, the United States must ramp up its efforts in the War on Pakistani Grandmothers. Obama called the decision to escalate the war “one of the most difficult” of his presidency.

Report: 1 Percent Of People Own 99 Percent Of Nation's Korean War Memorabilia | Dec 06 2013

According to a new report from the Urban Policy Institute, there is a staggeringly unequal distribution of Korean War memorabilia amongst Americans. Economist Leanne Miller’s findings showed that over 99 percent of Korean War memorabilia is owned by just 1 percent of the nation’s population.

Rulebook Found In Rookie Cop's Garbage Can | Dec 06 2013

Police at the local precinct are up in arms today, following the discovery of rookie cop Chad Peterson’s rulebook thrown casually—carelessly, even—into the trash. “Look at this,” said Police Chief Robert Linehan, paging through the discarded rulebook.

Sad Couple Again Forced To Explain How They Met At Taping Of “Lopez Tonight” | Dec 06 2013

Calling their meeting place “fun and interesting in its own way,” sad husband and wife Jonah and Melissa Washburn were again forced to tell the story of how they met at a taping of the now-defunct George Lopez-helmed late-night program, “Lopez Tonight,” at a party early Saturday evening.

Security Guard With Lots Of Little TVs Just Saving Up For Big TV | Dec 06 2013

Walter Gordon, security guard at the local grocery store, keeps watch over the premises with a 3-by-3 array of nine little black-and-white television sets that display a live video feed from several cameras stationed around the property. He insists, however, that he is only using the little TVs until he saves up for a big TV.

Obama Dreading Having To Defend Weird Job To Relatives At Christmas | Dec 06 2013

After finally purchasing a plane ticket home for the holidays, President Obama expressed dread at the inevitable prospect of having to repeatedly defend his employment situation to relatives over the Christmas holiday. “I just know it’s not gonna sound like a real job when I describe it to them,” said Obama, who is decidedly not looking forward to making the trip back home to celebrate Christmas with his family this year.

Sled Dog Team Really Wishes They Could Run On Solid Ground Instead | Dec 06 2013

With the annual sled dog race from Anchorage to Nome only two weeks away, sled dog teams are gearing up for the long and icy journey. However, several dogs from one team have come forward with concerns about the 1,131-mile run through the Arctic north, suggesting that it might be easier to complete the race if they could run on solid ground instead of snow.

Suave Super Spy Wishes Life Were More Like Different Kind Of Movie | Dec 06 2013

Central Intelligence Agency super spy Jules Boltzmann spends most of his time romancing women, turning away from explosions, and disabling bombs at the last possible second. The 15-year secret agent, whose story not only resembles an action thriller but also will undoubtedly someday be made into one, recently expressed the desire that his life could be more like another genre of movie, such as a superhero flick or a courtroom drama.

War Correspondent Wants So Badly To Enter The Fray Right Now | Dec 06 2013

Foreign war correspondent Michael Silverstone can barely fight the urge to jump into the ongoing armed conflict on which he is currently reporting. The 34-year-old reporter is so tempted to forgo his journalistic responsibilities and have at it right alongside the belligerents.

World’s Population Blissfully Unaware 2014 Will Be Year Aliens Land On Earth And Swap All Human Faces With Goat Faces | Dec 06 2013

Sources confirmed that Earth’s inhabitants had a good day today—watering gardens, eating at restaurants, listening to music—all the while blissfully unaware that 2014 will be the year aliens land on Earth and begin systematically replacing all human faces with goat faces.

Off Campus (Dec 06 2013 issue)