The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Dec 06 2019 issue)

Performing Arts Center Builders Determined To Dig Deep Enough To Uncover Subterranean Society Of Mole People | Dec 06 2019

Blasting out another layer of rock, construction workers at the future site of the Performing Arts Center announced they won’t stop digging until they unearth the subterranean society of mole people that must reside below campus. “The multi-level design of the new Performing Arts Center has allowed us to dig deeper into the ground than any construction team at Brown ever has before,” said construction site director Bill Flob.

Professor Reminisces About Steamy Fling With Author Of This Week’s Reading | Dec 06 2019

During a recent lecture, Professor Erik Yerbikson reminisced about a steamy fling he had with the author of this week’s reading, Nina Jacobson. “The essay I assigned by Jacobson is a groundbreaking piece of scholarship in the field of American Politics,” said Yerbikson, his cheeks starting to flush.

Chancellor Mencoff Slips In Bullet Point About Paxson’s Dreamy Eyes In Rambling Email Announcing Term Extension | Dec 06 2019

In an lengthy email to the entire student body this morning regarding Christina Paxson’s recent term extension, University Chancellor Samuel M. Mencoff snuck in a bullet point about Paxson’s dreamy eyes. “Paxson has both engaged and encouraged the academic community at Brown by peering at us during convocations, faculty luncheons, and other events with those striking, calm, chocolate gumdrops,” Mencoff gushed in the email, in between a bullet point praising Paxson’s sustainability efforts and alumni engagement, unaware that he had typed it and not just thought it like he does every day.

Dean Of The College Rashid Zia Repeatedly Pitches "Tale Of Despereaux" For Next Year's First Readings | Dec 06 2019

Sources reported Friday that Dean of the College Rashid Zia has been repeatedly pitching the children’s novel “Tale of Despereaux” for next year’s First Readings. “At first glance, ‘Tale of Despereaux’ might seem like just another story about a mouse who lives in a castle and falls in love with a human princess, but it’s so much more,” Zia could be heard saying to anyone who would listen.

BDH Sports Writers Struggle To Phrase “Brown Football Lost” In New Ways | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that sports writers at the Brown Daily Herald have been struggling to craft new headlines as the Brown football team continues to lose game after game. “I’ve already used the phrase ‘loses,’ as well as ‘falls’ and ‘suffers defeat,’” said BDH reporter Rob Dexter ’23, author of the recent article “Brown Football Absolutely Pulverized By Harvard.” “I’m running out of verbs, and the ones that remain will only frame Brown’s football team in an increasingly pitiful light,” Dexter added.

Marty Granoff Releases Annual “Naughty or Rich” List | Dec 06 2019

Donor and Brown trustee Marty Granoff released his annual “Naughty or Rich” list this Tuesday. The list designates every student in one of the two categories and is necessary to decide who will get free meals at Bacaro, and who will be left with nothing.

Chill Brown Student Genuinely Doesn’t Care About Final Exam, Seriously She Didn’t Even Study At All, She Promises | Dec 06 2019

Over the past week, super chill Brown student Roberta Smith has informed multiple friends and classmates that she genuinely doesn’t care about her final exam for that one really intense Political Science class she’s taking, seriously she didn’t even study at all, she promises.

December BDH Issue Features Hard-Hitting Holiday Word Search | Dec 06 2019

In an unprecedented display of journalistic prowess, the latest issue of the Brown Daily Herald featured a hard-hitting holiday word search. “As a journalist, I believe that words have power," BDH senior staff writer Rupert Smith said of his piece.

Bear-Shaped Enamel Pin Worth 40 Bucks Easy, Brown Bookstore Reports | Dec 06 2019

Sizing up a small enamel pin featuring a bear and the phrase “Go Bruno,” Brown Bookstore manager Jasmine Gnudson insisted that the item was worth 40 bucks easy. “This isn’t just any old knick-knack,” Gnudson said, inspecting the sleek lacquer on the nickel-sized pin.

Class Of 19.5 Told To Just Let Themselves Out Van Wickle Gates | Dec 06 2019

President Christina Paxson announced this week that the mid-year graduates of the Class of 19.5 should just let themselves out of the Van Wickle Gates. “Just spare us the fanfare,” Paxson wrote in a press release. “I’ll be busy in my office, so I’ll leave the gates open for you, if you wouldn’t mind locking them on your way out.” “We’ll just leave a pile of blank degrees outside Faunce and you can write in your name and concentration,” the press release continued.

Ratty Continues to Test Limits of Squash | Dec 06 2019

Brown Dining Services announced Thursday that the Ratty will continue to test the limits of squash. “Our chefs are committed to pushing squash in bold new culinary directions,” said Director of Dining Services Brenda Lohman, noting the surprising versatility of the humble gourd.

BDH Reporter Still Wearing Their Journalist Halloween Costume Weeks Later | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that Brown Daily Herald staff writer Freddy Buckwheat is still wearing a journalist costume weeks after Halloween has ended. Friends and family are concerned that Freddy may be having trouble separating reality and fantasy. “I’m a little worried about him," reported Buckwheat’s friend and roommate, Frank Calizoni.

Report: Spring Weekend Will Be Christina Paxson One-Woman Multimedia Dance Experience | Dec 06 2019

The Office of the President of the University has announced that this year’s Spring Weekend headliner will be Christina Paxson herself in a one-woman multimedia dance experience. “The President’s performance piece finds itself at the intersection of traditional ballet and modern breakdance,” read the statement, released yesterday.

It’s Near Boston, Student Elaborates | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that Josh Baylor ’20 always has to elaborate that his hometown of Marblehead, Massachusetts is “near Boston.” “I get blank looks whenever I tell people where I’m from, so I just tell everyone it’s near Boston,” Baylor said of Marblehead, a quiet beach town a little under an hour’s drive northeast of the well-known city.

Student Strategically Planning Which Foods To Get Before Ratty Closes Like Grizzled General About To Enter Battle | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that Brown senior Luton McFarland was treating the process of getting the optimal dishes before the Ratty closed like he was a grizzled general planning for war. “With a quick sweep of comforts, I should be able to save some of the jerk-style chicken before it’s gone," he said matter-of-factly.

Brown Treats Mid-Year Graduates To "Last Meal At The V-Dub" | Dec 06 2019

Just a matter of days before commencement, Brown has announced that all mid-year graduates will be treated to a “Last Meal at the V-Dub.” “The mid-year graduates, or point-fivers, are a critical part of our undergraduate and graduate communities,” said Elizabeth Reynold, assistant to the Dean of Community Affairs.

Freshman Boastfully Recounts All Three Of His High School Alcohol Stories Like There’s Plenty More | Dec 06 2019

Boastfully recalling his nights of heavy drinking before college, freshman Stewart Dent reportedly rattled off all three of his high school alcohol stories like there’s plenty more. “Yeah, I hate throwing up,” Dent claimed, based on his single experience of vomiting during his senior year of high school.

Hours Of Operation Only Difference Between Mailroom And Nightclub | Dec 06 2019

Witnesses reported that the only difference between the mailroom and a nightclub are the hours of operation. “Everyone’s trying to get up to the bar up front,” noted junior Emily Ratters. “And they’re just blasting Young Thug through the speaker.

Free Teddy Bears, Hot Cocoa, Threat of Violence At Next DPS Event | Dec 06 2019

At an event hosted by the Brown University Department of Public Safety next Thursday, students will be able to receive a variety of free items, including teddy bears, hot cocoa, and reminders of the violence that DPS officers are capable of inflicting at any moment.

Brown Construction Workers Report Disappointing Lack Of Bones | Dec 06 2019

Construction workers across Brown reported that they have found a disappointing lack of bones in their various projects across campus. “I spend my entire day using an excavator to dig a giant hole in the middle of campus,” said construction worker Mick Plorbinski.

Report: Blue Room Spoons Deep | Dec 06 2019

Diners at the Blue Room have reported that the available spoons are, in fact, very deep. “I used a spoon to eat some chicken noodle soup the other night,” reported Jeremey Collins, a disgruntled freshman. “They’re just sooo deep.” “Usually I can just sort of slurp up the broth without too much effort,” he continued, venting his frustrations with the utensil’s deep cavity.

Admissions Officer Lives For Sick Thrill Of Giving Vague Advice At Info Sessions | Dec 06 2019

Brown University admissions officer Brian Binnie is absolutely living for the sick thrill of doling out vague and unhelpful advice to prospective students. “I can’t even begin to tell you how fun it is,” Binnie said, scrolling gleefully through a PowerPoint presentation of buzzwords and pictures of fall foliage.

Unwashed Water Bottle Excited for Winter Break | Dec 06 2019

After three solid months of continuous use, sophomore Drew Kris’s unwashed water bottle is particularly excited for winter break. “This will represent my first wash ever,” explained the bottle. “I was acquired at some random event, and Kris just jumped right in.

Reading Period To Now Be Called the Cornelius Reading Period, After Donation From Railroad Tycoon Cornelius Reading | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that the University has decided that Reading Period will officially be renamed the Cornelius Reading Period, after Cornelius Reading ‘53, of the Reading Railroad Company, who just donated a large sum of money to the University. “We’ve decided to honor Cornelius Reading’s generous gift to the university by renaming Reading Period the Cornelius Reading Period,” announced Kelly Bowden, a University representative.

Student Who Drank Coffee To Be Productive Now Just Shakily Online Shopping | Dec 06 2019

After drinking a large black coffee with the intent of being productive, Melanie Schwartz instead started online shopping while violently trembling. “I’m not usually a big coffee drinker, but I have so much to get done today,” Schwartz said, scrolling through 14 pages of clearance sundresses on urbanoutfitters.com with a visible tremor.

Brown Announces Plans To Let Construction Guys Play With Equipment In The Big Pit For Ever And Ever And Ever | Dec 06 2019

Surrounded by the delightful hustle and bustle of an active construction site, University spokesperson Glen Campbell announced Thursday that the University plans to let the construction guys play with their equipment in the big pit for ever and ever and ever.

Theater Warmup Just Unbridled Id | Dec 06 2019

Beginning with a series of ape-like screeches and ending in a tearful circle, a theater warmup for the cast of Production Workshop’s December show was just a demonstration of the unrestrained, primal id. “We started by walking around the space while making eye contact to connect and noises to loosen the vowel-space,” actor Julie Graham ‘22 said of the exercise which serves as a psychological demonstration of what human beings are capable of should they be free of all social and moral conscience, motivated only by base desire.

Report: Kyle Doesn't Have Final Exams But He Does Have Essays | Dec 06 2019

Kyle doesn’t have any final exams but he does have some essays, according to his friends who are STEM concentrators. “Yeah, I’m just not in any classes that have exams,” noted Kyle, an English concentrator who, while his friends have one or even many final exams, just has some essays to write.

Badass Freshman Briefly Considers Taking Condom From RPL’s Door | Dec 06 2019

While heading back to his Jameson dorm room, total badass freshman Mark Travisano paused and considered taking a condom from the paper pocket on his RPL’s door. “Hm, I guess it couldn’t hurt to grab a few,” Travisano thought to himself, a testament to his utterly hardcore attitude.

Professor’s Website Looks Like Word Document | Dec 06 2019

Students of Mathematics Professor Gabe Schneider report that his website looks like a Word document. “It’s mostly just black text on a white background,” said junior Anita Diez, noting that the website only contains one page with no discernible organization.

Report: I'm Pretty Sure I Have This Room Reserved At 4, So If You Don't Mind Packing Up | Dec 06 2019

Peeking her head through the door of Page Robinson 301, Heather Witherspoon ’21 reported that she has this room reserved at 4, so if you don’t mind packing up soon, that would be great. “I know it is only 3:55, so definitely take your time,” said Witherspoon. “Me and the rest of my group will just be waiting outside. Thank you for understanding!” At press time, Witherspoon was seen realizing that she accidentally booked her room for the wrong day.

Former Presidential Candidate Beto O'Rourke Earns B+ On Spanish Midterm | Dec 06 2019

Since he dropped out of the presidential race in early November, former Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has reportedly earned a B+ on his Spanish midterm. “We are excited to announce that, after a week of dedicated studying, Congressman O’Rourke received an 89% on his Spanish 300 midterm,” read the press release.

New Poll Finds That If Election Were Held Today, Many Would Be Surprised | Dec 06 2019

A new Gallup poll released this morning has found that if the general election were moved to December 6, 2019, a majority of Americans would be surprised. “A full 80% of respondents would describe themselves as ‘very confused’ if the 2020 election were moved to 2019,” said CNN analyst Sharon Marcus.

Report: Biden Campaign Financed Almost Entirely By Crest Whitestrips | Dec 06 2019

According to a recent campaign donor report, Joe Biden's presidential campaign is almost entirely financed by Crest Whitestrips. "Joe's teeth are so white that Crest is practically bankrolling our campaign at this point," admitted Greg Schultz, Biden's campaign manager.

SNL Absolutely Roasts Political Figure By Objectively Describing What They Did | Dec 06 2019

This past Saturday, SNL absolutely roasted a number of political figures by objectively stating what they did. “The cold open is our chance to make the largest cultural impact with our comedy,” explained head writer James McDavis. “We figured we could really take a jab at the current administration by having celebrities straightforwardly recount the past week’s headlines.” “In addition to having the legendary Alec Baldwin reprise his role as Trump, we are looking to get Tim Robinson here to play President Zelensky,” said McDavis.

Grandma Tired Of Being Used As Primary Source | Dec 06 2019

Area Grandma Phyllis Walker is tired of being used as a primary source for her grandkids’ history projects, sources report. “At first it was kind of sweet,” reported a frustrated Walker. “But then I realized the only times my grandbabies call me is when they need a quick quote about consumerism in the 1950s or a brief statement about the Kennedy assassination.” “Last week Zachary called me for his report on the stock market crash of ’29," Walker added, moving aggressively back and forth in her rocker.

Overjoyed Brown Students Carry Paxson Through Campus On Shoulders In Raucous Celebration Of Term Extension | Dec 06 2019

After receiving news that the Corporation extended President Christina Paxson’s term through 2025, thousands of overjoyed students from all corners of campus flowed onto the Main Green to hoist their glorious President in the air in a raucous celebration of her prosperous, everlasting reign.

Report: All Of Your Hottest, Most Successful Friends Follow The Brown Noser On Instagram | Dec 06 2019

A new report has found that all of your hottest, most successful friends follow The Brown Noser on Instagram. “There’s no doubt about it—the sexiest, most high-achieving individuals in your social circle all have one thing in common: following The Brown Noser’s Instagram account, @thebrownnoser,” the report stated, adding that the hottest, coolest friends took it a step further and liked every post from the account.