The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Feb 18 2023 issue)

Brown Admin Thrilled To Support Student Activism, Except Kind That Makes Them Look Bad | Feb 18 2023

Brown University admin recently announced their unequivocal support of student activism, except for the kind that makes them look bad. “We are thrilled that our student body is so passionate about such a wide array of issues, and we’re here to provide a space for them to fight for their future, as long as it doesn’t make us look like the money-grubbing institution that we are,” an email from administration stated.

Coolest Professor Announces Plans To Captivate Students By Saying “Bullshit” Exactly Three Times Per Lecture | Feb 18 2023

In an attempt to make his biology lectures exciting, Professor Samuel Clarkson has announced he will be saying “bullshit” exactly 3 times per class. “I’ve found that nothing keeps students engaged like an authority figure swearing three separate times in a class period,” said Professor Clarkson, setting a timer for five minutes before the end of class, in case he had a couple more “bullshits” still to incorporate.

New Provost Makes Top Priority Figuring Out What A Provost Does | Feb 18 2023

Newly hired Provost Francis J. Doyle III has announced that his top priority upon starting his new position at Brown will be to find out what a Provost does and what the job entails. “The Provost is an extremely important position. I know this because they probably wouldn’t be making such a big deal out of me getting hired if it wasn’t,” stated Doyle, determined to get to the bottom of the mystery.

CS TA Union Busted With Promise of Premium Discord Subscriptions | Feb 18 2023

Through a series of concerted efforts, the CS TA Union has finally been busted with the promise of premium discord subscriptions. “It all started when Professor Mike approached me with what he called ‘an offer I couldn’t refuse,’” said Ricky Malone, a young TA.

Report: Every Student In New York Literature Class From Westchester County | Feb 18 2023

Students from a class on the literature of New York City report that every single one of their classmates is from Westchester County. “The readings just really resonated with me,” stated Carmichael Sinclair ’25, whose family has lived in Westchester for 100 years.

Astrophysics Concentrator Maybe Sees Big Dipper! | Feb 18 2023

Walking to his dorm after dinner, astrophysics concentrator Zachary Erving announced that he maybe just found the Big Dipper! “Wait, like, right there, I think that’s maybe it!” said Erving, an aspiring NASA aerospace engineer. “I’m, like, 87 percent sure.

Overachieving Stoner Rises At Crack of Noon | Feb 18 2023

Area Stoner Greg Neffin reportedly has begun making a habit of rising bright and early at the crack of noon. “I’ve been making my bed too,” said Neffin as he absentmindedly stared at a bird. “Well not really making, mostly I’ll just move my pillow off the floor.

Networking Student Trying To Balance How Many Times She Calls Research “Fascinating” Versus “Incredible” | Feb 18 2023

Reports indicate that networking junior Susan Park is striving to strike a balance between her descriptions of her research as “fascinating” and “incredible.” “It was such an incredible opportunity,” Park told her conversational partner, carefully tallying the instances of each word in her head.

Girl Impulsively Responds With “Slay!” After Friend Mentions Family Car Accident | Feb 18 2023

In what was reportedly an incredibly uncomfortable conservation, first-year Amelia Hansley impulsively responded with “Slay!” after her friend shared news of a family car accident. “Look, it just slipped out of my mouth – I obviously didn’t mean it,” cried Hansley, immediately regretting how absorbed she has become in TikTok vocabulary.

UCS Members Stage Coup Like Organization’s Whole Focus Isn’t Ivy Room Straws | Feb 18 2023

Recently, a ruthless struggle for power has been wreaking havoc within UCS, as if the organization isn’t solely concerned with Ivy Room straws. “Corruption within UCS has reached an abhorrent level. We need change immediately, so, in the interest of the people, I’m assuming the position of UCS President,” said member Juliana Peters, ignoring the fact that the organization’s only purpose is deciding what straws will be available for students’ smoothies.

Professor Proud To Introduce Their Four Brilliant Grad TAs And One Stupid One | Feb 18 2023

According to his students, Professor Agarwal is proud to introduce his course’s four brilliant graduate TAs and also a stupid one. “We are so lucky to have June, Theo, Marcus, and Rita with us this semester. Their research has propelled our field forward, and I’m sure they’ll go on to have promising careers,” stated Professor Agarwal as he presented his TAs to the class.

Student Paying Attention To Literally Any Screen Around Her Except For The Massive One Displaying Lecture Slides | Feb 18 2023

Surrounded by hundreds of laptops in the MacMillan auditorium, junior Alyssa Lorenzo is paying attention to literally any screen around her except for the massive one displaying the lecture slides. “At first, I was watching the person in front of me play 2048,” reported Lorenzo, recounting how she regularly resorts to invading her classmates’ privacy instead of just sitting there and paying attention to her professor.

Nelson Renovation Just a Few Dumbells And Place For Dogs To Pee Inside | Feb 18 2023

Following a week-long closure over winter break, renovations to the Nelson Fitness Center were revealed to be just a few dumbbells and a patch of fake grass so that dogs can pee inside. “While many improvements could be made to the Nelson Fitness Center, we ultimately implemented changes that would benefit the Brown community’s wellness experience to the greatest extent,” reported University Recreation manager Amy Dean, finalizing an order for 5,000 biodegradable dog poop bags to put in the gym.

Dorm Superbowl Party Just Bowl Of Stale Tortilla Chips, Laptop | Feb 18 2023

According to his neighbors’ reports, Ben Florence is hosting a dorm Superbowl party next Sunday that is just a bowl of stale tortilla chips and a laptop. “The Super Bowl is one of my favorite events of the year, and what is a better way to get to know my hallmates than to invite them to watch the big game on my 14-inch laptop screen,” said Florence, shaking a bag of tortilla chips into a communal bowl and propping his laptop on a textbook for better viewing.

Mom Avidly Texting You Human Trafficking News About Your Spring Break Destination | Feb 18 2023

Though you have already booked your spring break trip and paid in full, sources report that your mom is diligently sending you news stories about human trafficking in your destination. “An interesting read!” texted your mother, attaching an article with the headline “THREE FOUND DEAD ON TROPICAL BEACH.” “Would pack some pepper spray if I were you.” “Poor woman,” your mom wrote in a second text accompanying a video titled “STUDENT KIDNAPPED FROM LOCAL BAR.” “Maybe ask someone’s boyfriend to come to the resort with you girls for safety??” “This might be why your flight was so cheap!” added your mom, helpfully including a statistical breakdown of violent crime in the area surrounding your hotel.

Report: Ratty Omelets Better When Chefs Playing Really Sad Music | Feb 18 2023

According to sophomore Kelly Wilm, the Ratty’s morning omelets taste better when the chefs are playing really sad music. “Yesterday, they were playing ‘Shut Up and Dance’ by Walk the Moon and my omelet was just okay, but today? ‘Someone Like You’ by Adele and it was so good I went back for another,” noted Wilm, waiting in line and hoping a Phoebe Bridgers album would come on before it was time for her omelet to be made.

Desperate High Schooler Begging For Brown Student’s SAT Scores As If Student’s Last Name Isn’t 85 Waterman | Feb 18 2023

Sources report that high schooler Quinton Fraser is begging to know a Brown student’s admission stats as if that student’s last name isn’t 85 Waterman. “How many AP classes did you take each year of high school?” Fraser fanatically asked Wyatt 85 Waterman, completely unaware he was speaking to a lineal descendant of the 85 Waterman bloodline.

Uh Oh, Professor Was Not Trying To Play Footsie | Feb 18 2023

Thirty seconds too late, student Jenny Dunks realized her professor was not trying to play footsie. “I was finished with my test and bored and Professor Helms’ foot kept kicking my desk leg,” said Dunks, confused by her professor’s signals.

Unfaltering Roku Homepage On Ratty TV Gives Diners Little Taste Of Purgatory | Feb 18 2023

Ratty diners report experiencing a glimpse of purgatory with their meal, thanks to the carefully placed TVs which only ever display the Roku homepage. “It’s such a terrible temporality to exist in. The Netflix, Youtube, and Hulu icons are all right there, tempting us,” said Jenna Lopez, gazing wistfully up at a nearby TV which has been displaying the exact same screen since 2017.

Indie Student Athlete Prefers Acoustic Scooters Over Electric | Feb 18 2023

Unlike other guys on the Brown University football team, junior linebacker Jon Harvey prefers riding acoustic scooters instead of electric ones. “My teammates are too swept up in the speed and sexiness of electric scooters,” said Harvey, unfolding the 2009 Razor Kick Scooter he found at a local thrift store.

Biology Concentrator Just In It For Naked People In Textbooks | Feb 18 2023

Sources report that this biology concentrator is just in it for the naked people in the textbook. “Ooh hoo hoo,” said student Lucas Healey, sitting in front of the newest edition of Essential Biology open to the chapter on reproduction. “Look, it’s a naked lady!” “Oh my God, look at his pecs!” continued Healey, thankful that these illustrations meant that he could look at softcore porn without having to clear his internet search history.

Brown-RISD Catholic Community Really Asking For Offerings At Mass Like They Didn’t Just Buy Themselves A Multimillion-Dollar Modernist Chateau | Feb 18 2023

Bright and early at Sunday morning mass in Manning Chapel, the campus priest is asking for donations from a bunch of college kids, despite the fact that the Brown-RISD Catholic Community literally bought themselves a multimillion-dollar modernist chateau two years ago.

ResLife Conveniently Ignoring Fact That Student Rejected From Wellness Might Have Benefited From Wellness-Oriented Environment | Feb 18 2023

In accordance with their housing placement policies, ResLife is conveniently sidestepping the fact that the students they reject from the Wellness dorm would probably benefit most of all from an environment centered around wellness. “I was rejected from Wellness last year because I was too unwell,” stated Maria Abboud ‘23.5 from her room in Minden, which doesn’t have a single wall without a hole in it.

Girl In Creative Nonfiction Course About To Tell The Most Heart- Wrenching Trauma-Ridden Story in Smitty-B Classroom At 9:07 AM | Feb 18 2023

Perched behind a folding table in Smith-Buonanno 207, junior Annika Ferguson prepares to tell the most emotionally turbulent, tear-inducing personal anecdote in her 9:00 AM creative nonfiction course, “Writing About Nouns.” “I didn’t expect to hear such an insanely tragic, inimitably sorrowful, and undoubtedly somber tale before ten in the morning, but here we are,” said sophomore Ally Fiume, trying to figure out how Ferguson could unpack so much trauma in a dimly lit Smitty-B classroom before she had even finished her coffee.

SV Announces All-New Party In Same Location With Same Lineup As Past Seven Years | Feb 18 2023

Following the success of their recent “Smashing Winter Spectacular” event, SV announced that they will be hosting a “Turnt Toga Tuesday” party in the same venue with the same student DJs as the past seven years. “They’re saying it’ll be one for the books,” said freshman promoter Heather Long as she posted an Instagram Story encouraging students to use her code heather20 for 20% off ticket price.

BDH Not Really “Heralded” | Feb 18 2023

According to a recent survey of on-campus publications, The Brown Daily Herald is not really all that “heralded.” “Back in the day, a herald was an important messenger who brought news from far and wide to thousands of people,” said sophomore Miles Ellis, staring at an untouched stack of BDH papers from last week.

Campus Badass So Badass For Stealing Random Street Sign Like Total Badass | Feb 18 2023

Known across campus for his unparalleled and undeniably badass ways, sophomore badass Randy Mitchell acted like a total badass last night by stealing a random street sign that only a badass could steal. “Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit,” reported Diman House resident Jeffrey Montalvo, stunned by Mitchell’s most recent display of badassery.

Health Services To Treat Flu With Trips To Shore For Rousing Sea Air | Feb 18 2023

Gathering their wispy hair into a delicate chignon, students suffering from the flu report that Health Services is treating their illness with visits to the seaside for the bracing sea breeze. “A change of air is simply what I require,” murmured sophomore Anne Mansfield from her sickbed, forlornly gazing out of her frosty window and placing her hand on her wan cheek.

Couple Sharing Three Week Anniversary Update Like Their Relationship Bacterial Colony In Lab | Feb 18 2023

Posting multiple slides to their respective Instagram stories, area couple Violet Garrity and Ben Ruess are sharing about their three week anniversary as if their relationship is a bacterial colony monitored by a lab. “This cutie has made me feel like a princess for the last 21 days,” wrote Garrity as if she were recording qualitative observations about bacterial development over a specified time period.

Freshman Really Excited To Intern At Stop And Shop This Summer | Feb 18 2023

According to a new LinkedIn job update posted for his whole network, freshman Lucas Grove is “extremely excited” to intern at Stop and Shop this summer. “I have been wanting to share the good news for quite a while now,” read Grove’s post, accompanied by a screenshot of his offer letter.

Report: Interviewer Looks Way Different Than LinkedIn Profile | Feb 18 2023

According to a report from junior Freddie Tang, the interviewer for his upcoming internship looked way different than his LinkedIn profile picture. “In his picture, he looked young and charming, he had this kind looking smile,” Tang lamented, neglecting to realize that the picture was clearly taken in the 1970’s.

Friends Pivot Spring Break Plans From European Adventure To Four Nights At Tatum’s House In Rural West Virginia | Feb 18 2023

After months of trip-planning contention, sophomore Kailey Davis’s friend group has pivoted spring break plans from a European adventure to four nights at Tatum’s house in rural West Virginia. “Paris would have been a dream come true, but Tatum’s house will be a ton of fun too,” emphasized Davis, anxiously scanning TripAdvisor’s list of 15 Best Things to Do in West Virginia for anything remotely enjoyable.