The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Sep 22 2023 issue)

Feminist Man Thinks You Should Smile Less | Sep 22 2023

Reports indicate that feminist man Jack Walker thinks you should smile less. “I just think if you smiled less you’d look a lot smarter,” Walker said, adding that women only smile because of sexism. “Believe it or not, you’re more than just your looks.

“Give a Hoot , Don’t Pollute” Owl Must Be Some Sort of Advanced Sentient Animal Capable of Understanding Climate Science | Sep 22 2023

A new report has been published revealing that the “Give a Hoot, Don’t Pollute” owl can only be some sort of advanced sentient animal capable of understanding climate science. The report, over 60 pages in length, lays the framework for the level of sentience required of the owl to both understand the pun contained in ‘giving a hoot,’ as well as the broader societal implications of pollution.

Report: Nothing Like Lake, Canoe, And Fish To End Years Of Father/Son Resentment | Sep 22 2023

A recent study on family dynamics found that there’s nothing quite like a lake, a canoe, and a writhing fish to end years of resentment between a father and a son. “The most effective way to halt a decade’s worth of emotional turmoil and passive-aggression is no doubt to put both father and son on a boat in the middle of a lake, hand ‘em each a big metal rod and a spool of twine, and let the healing happen,” said family therapist Jean Bundt.

Flirty Whale Driving Grizzled Whale Hunter So Wild | Sep 22 2023

Giving a bashful little flick of its tail before swimming under a local whale hunter’s boat, a total flirt of whale is driving local grizzled whale hunter so wild. Maritime sources confirm that Captain Bahboo is absolutely frothing at the helm of his whale-hunting ship ever since his little captain hat fell into the water and the whale salaciously juggled it into the air a few times before putting it on and swimming off.

Young Bull Vows To Catch Piece of Red Fabric That Killed His Parents | Sep 22 2023

A Young Bull named Buck has announced that he will stop at nothing to catch the dangling piece of red fabric that killed both his parents. “If I see that motherfucker, I’m going after it. No questions asked,” said Buck, while sharpening his horns on a rock.

Providence Place Mall Exactly What Roger Williams Dreamed Of | Sep 22 2023

Centuries after the founding of Rhode Island, it has become clear that Providence Place Mall perfectly fulfills Roger Williams’ dreams for the colony. “We seeketh to designate such a Place where all people mayest enjoy full liberty of religion,” wrote Roger Williams in a missive to the new colony, circa 1636, which was a premonition of the glorious mall that would eventually stand beside the Woonasquatucket River.

Relationship With Parents Never Been More Okayish | Sep 22 2023

Junior Kristen Gaffe reported earlier that her relationship with her parents has never been more okayish. “My parents and I are definitely moving in a neutral direction, and I think it really stems from a mutual acknowledgment of my independence,” said Gaffe, adding that the weekly calls from home are now just inconvenient instead of painful.

Report: Shirt’s Irony Lost | Sep 22 2023

According to sources, the ironic value of local man David Kuhlman’s “Live, Laugh, Love” shirt was lost on its viewers. “These suburban moms keep coming up to me and asking where I got it, or telling me it matches a sign they have in their kitchen or some other dumb shit,” said Kuhlman, appalled by the kindness and earnestness of the people his ironic shirt was supposed to be subtlety mocking.

Shitty Car Doesn't Even Look Like A Face | Sep 22 2023

According to sources on a nearby sidewalk, this shitty car doesn’t even look like a face. “You got the headlights and the grille and all that, but nothing really looks like a nose or eyes or a mouth or anything. The proportions are all off,” reported passerby Harry Borde, distraught that the Nissan Sentra he saw on Power St.

Crayon Eaten | Sep 22 2023

In a troubling scene out of Fox Point Day Care this past Tuesday, six-year-old Willow Reaves finally made good on her repeated threats to eat one of her 110 Crayola crayons. “Yeah, she got into the crayon box this morning,” said a witness on the scene, junior teacher Miss Jenna, as she swept wax shards off the floor.

L, M, N, O, P Definitely A Toxic Clique In High School | Sep 22 2023

Following rumours about the class yearbook’s superlatives, sources report that letters L, M, N, O, and P were a notoriously toxic clique in high school. “They were so exclusive,” said K, secretly jealous that he just missed the cut off to be part of their friend group.

Desperate Man Discreetly Searches "Oigea” In Scrabble Dictionary | Sep 22 2023

Reports suggest desperate man Robert Jenkins just quietly googled the phrase “is oigea scrabble word.” “I feel like I hear that word all the time,” said Robert, bashfully deleting large swaths of his search history. “Oigea, isn’t that some type of land mass? Or like a body of water? What, is that not a word? It’s not cheating, I genuinely know that word.

Brother Shall Take Family Selfie Because His Arms Longest | Sep 22 2023

At last weekend’s reunion barbeque, a local family has decided that Brother shall take the family selfie since his arms are the longest. “I’m proud that my long arms won me the great honor of taking this family selfie,” said Brother, lifting his cell phone high in the air with his lanky arm.

Nine Out Of Ten Dentists Recommend You Don’t Let That Other Guy Anywhere Near Your Teeth | Sep 22 2023

A recent survey found that 9/10 dentists recommend you don’t let that other guy anywhere near your teeth. “Nobody knows where this guy came from, and none of us are brave enough to find out,” reported 90 percent of the dentists in the room, adding that you could do with a little more flossing once you’ve found somewhere safe to hide.

Girlfriend Who Relates to Bella Swan Actually Just Incapable of Mature Relationship | Sep 22 2023

Sources report that your girlfriend relates to Bella Swan from Twilight because she’s simply incapable of a mature relationship. “God, I love Bella. She’s just so me!,” exclaimed your girlfriend, deciding to skip the date you planned a week ago so she could sit in her room feeling quirky and misunderstood.

Local Man Too Polite To Ask Intrusive Thoughts To Leave | Sep 22 2023

A local man is reportedly too polite to ask his intrusive thoughts to leave. “Oh, those old things?,” said Dwayne Schumer, referring to the horrible thoughts that have been haunting his conscience since early childhood. “No, I couldn’t possibly ask them to leave.

Baby Shocked to Possess Hands, Feet | Sep 22 2023

Yesterday, local baby Gigi was stunned to discover that she possesses both hands and feet. Since then, she has spent all her time observing her hands and feet, and frequently putting them in her mouth. “Gigi lived the first four months of her life with absolutely no idea she had hands or feet! Boy, was she in for a big surprise,” shared Jameson Rogers, Gigi’s father, while Gigi stared at her ten fingers with wide eyes that communicated intense shock.

Friendly Reminder Not Very Friendly | Sep 22 2023

Sources indicate that a recent office-wide email purporting to be a “friendly reminder” was in fact not very friendly. “I hope this email finds you well,” read the email, whose author actually did not give a damn if they found everyone well.

“Hit it, DJ” Gets the People Going In All Situations But Work, Learns Funeral Director | Sep 22 2023

Enthusiastically shouting at the person controlling the speaker to “Hit it, DJ,” gets the people going in all scenarios but work, local funeral director, Stu Morrison, has learned. “It’s always been my social role to get people stoked on whatever it is we’re doing.

Mitch McConnell Actually Just Pausing to Fondly Reminisce On The Confederacy | Sep 22 2023

Aides familiar with the internal workings of Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell have jumped to his defense after allegations of poor health, instead claiming that he is actually just pausing to fondly reminisce on The Confederacy. “Senator McConnell is perfectly healthy and functioning as well as ever,” said top aide Tucker Sweeney, stepping up to the podium as McConnell froze at yet another press conference.