The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Mar 15 2024 issue)

Gay Straight Alliance Seems A Little More Gay Than Straight | Mar 15 2024

According to sources, the Gay Straight Alliance club seems like it’s mostly gay. “I totally get how gayness is involved with the club,” said sophomore Alex Danov, a prospective GSA member, who after the club day presentation was unsure on how they incorporated straight people into the organization.

A Little Birdie Told Me You’ve Been Really Rude To My Birds | Mar 15 2024

According to reports from a Little Birdie in my flock, it seems you’ve been really rude to my birds. “It doesn’t matter which one told me, it matters that you’re doing it,” said bird owner Trent Smirk, conveniently relying on an idiom that also perfectly describes his situation.

Impish Little Man Does Incredible Numbers Among Whimsical Women | Mar 15 2024

In an adorable showing this past week, Felix Vandergreed, an utterly impish little man, did incredible numbers among whimsical women. “Felix has something really special,” local whimsical woman Lacy O’Malley told reporters as Vandergreed pranced through a field of daisies, whooping and hollering the whole way.

Genius Prehistoric Cave Art Literally The Shittiest Representation Of Deer To Ever Exist | Mar 15 2024

Recent archaeological excavations at an ancient cave have uncovered brilliant prehistoric cave art which is really just the shittiest representation of a deer ever. “Here, we can see the astonishing depiction of a now-extinct prehistoric deer, etched with a bone blade and tinted with red ochre,” announced archaeologist Monica Anders, gesturing towards a painting of three ugly lines that looked absolutely nothing like a deer.

Fuzzy Little Bat Would Be So Adorable If Not For Vile Skin Wings | Mar 15 2024

According to reports from the local wilderness, a fuzzy little bat would be so sweet if only it wasn’t flying around on vile skin wings. “A fluffy little body, big ears, and a cute snout? Come on! This bat could’ve been the perfect creature,” said local hiker Lucas Thompson, watching in terror as the bat flapped around on its horrifying skin wings of death.

Sexy Forklift Operator Carrying Forklift Over Shoulder Like Fireman With Hose | Mar 15 2024

The guys down at the shop in Framingham, Massachusetts are reporting that local sexy forklift operator Dan Scharky is now carrying his forklift over his shoulder like a fireman with a hose. “We have so much work to get done this week, and Dan is just over there like that,” said coworker Vinny Delgado, gesturing to his partner sultrily bending over to pick up the forklift and sling it over his shoulder like a fireman carrying a hose.

Childhood Bully Not So Tough Now That You Two Are Gently Kissing And Reflecting On Your Unlikely Love | Mar 15 2024

According to the quiet purring sound emanating from your tender embrace, you childhood bully isn’t so tough now that you two are gently kissing and reflecting on your unlikely love. “I used to beat this twerp into a pulp every day because he was always so stubborn about giving up his lunch money,” said childhood bully Avery Glick, who isn’t nearly as scary as he used to be now that he’s cuddling you softly and whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

Report: Robot Doctor Just Calling Iron Lung “Lung” | Mar 15 2024

According to reports from Rhode Island Hospital, one of the attending robot physicians has just been referring to iron lungs as “lungs.” “When a patient comes in whose life is on the line, we don’t have time for redundancies,” said Robot Doctor Flux Boop, struggling to understand that an iron lung is very different from a regular lung for patients that aren’t made of metal.

Beautiful Piece Of Conceptual Art Just 20,000 Locusts In Your Mouth | Mar 15 2024

Local patrons of the arts are reportedly awestruck by the beauty of a beautiful new piece of conceptual art that is just 20,000 locusts in your mouth. “It’s about power, it’s about identity, but it’s also about rejecting both of those things,” said artist Fabrizio Gollinari, corralling a teeming swarm of disgusting locusts into your gaping maw.

Shy Boys Announce Plans To Kick Ground And Scuffle Feet A Little | Mar 15 2024

Walking along the sidewalk, hands deep in their pockets, the local shy boys announced plans to kick the ground and scuffle their feet a little. “Collectively, we are proud to announce our decision to stare very intensely at the ground and kick up dust,” mumbled the group of timid boys as they shuffled their way down the street.

Dad Clearly Making A Gametime Decision About Whether Or Not To Be Weird To Your New Boyfriend | Mar 15 2024

In a tense exchange this past weekend, your father was clearly making a heat of the moment decision about whether or not to be weird to your new boyfriend. “He seems like a nice kid,” your father began, clearly deciding to not convinced in the slightest, “but I don’t know.

Nerdy Girl In Rom-Com Would Be Hot If She Just Took Off Her Clothes | Mar 15 2024

According to high school boys in romantic comedies, smart girl Anna Lyra would be really pretty if she just took off all her clothes. “She could be a real hottie, but I don’t think she knows it,” said 16-year-old Tom Edgar as Lyra pushed her glasses up her nose and tightened her ponytail.

Tavern So Devoid Of Demure, Plain-Faced Beauty Ever Since The Wench Strike | Mar 15 2024

Weary travelers and wandering minstrels at the local tavern are reporting the tavern is so devoid of demure, plain-faced beauty ever since the wenches went on strike. “Some things never change, and some do” said wandering minstrel Finnegan Plot, writing a song about unassuming beauty of the kind you could make a house a homestead with.

Desperate Beaver Eyeing Tall Man | Mar 15 2024

Sources indicate that a desperate beaver has been eyeing a local tall man. “Look, times are tough, and I don’t see any good fucking trees around here, okay?” said the beaver, who was seen somewhere near Crew house on Tuesday. “The other day, I bit into this stupid ‘tree’ with a rock in it, and guess what? It was made out of fucking metal,” added the beaver, whose plight starkly reveals tragic manmade change to our environment.

Report: Hell Freezing Over Actually Really Inconvenient For Hell Biodiversity | Mar 15 2024

According to a recent report released by experts, Hell freezing over would actually be incredibly inconvenient for Hell’s biodiversity. “It would actually be really tricky down there if it reached below freezing temperatures,” the report mentioned, explaining that a frozen tundra would kind of ruin the Hell vibes, among other things.

Naked Man With Shrimp In His Beard About To Show You How The Bayou Gets Down | Mar 15 2024

Sources from Breaux Bridge, Louisiana report that a naked man with shrimp in his beard is about to show you how the Bayou gets down. “Well, he’s naked and has shrimp in his beard. Yup. Ole Barnabe Ledoux is about to get all Bayou-like on you,” said local bartender Cyrile DeLaCroix, gesturing to a naked man emerging from the swamp with a couple shrimp still stuck in his beard.

First Animal To Crawl Out Of The Water Must Have Really Hated How All Other Animals Pee In The Ocean | Mar 15 2024

A groundbreaking study released out of Woods Hole National Marine Laboratory revealed that the first animal to crawl out of the water must have really hated how all other animals peed in the ocean. “Three hundred and seventy five million years ago, the ancestor to all land mammals made a monumental first step out of the ocean and onto land, setting the stage for the entire terrestrial existence of humanity,” said the report, adding that this creature must have been really grossed out about all the piss in the ocean.

Report: Zeus Had Sex With Your Mom While Also Being A Thunderstorm | Mar 15 2024

Recent reports state that Zeus, King Of The Gods, Lord Of The Sky, Father Of Eagles, and Wielder Of Lightning, has been spotted in the mortal realm having a sneaky little on-and-off thing with your mom. “Sorry you didn’t hear it from me, kiddo, I just didn’t want you to worry about it in the middle of midterms,” said your mom over FaceTime last week after you saw a news report about abnormally sensual weather patterns emanating from her house.

Nation’s Drowning Swimmers Announce Plans To Glurgh Blugh Glurbbb | Mar 15 2024

This morning, a coalition representing this nation’s drowning swimmers announced plans to glurgh blugh glurbbb. “Powerful words from a historically marginalized group,” said a local lifeguard, giving a salute to the drowning swimmers in front of him.

Imaginary Friend Wary Of Therapist | Mar 15 2024

Reports indicate that your imaginary friend is a bit wary of your therapist. “Who needs that silly therapist when you’ve got me?” asked the Imaginary Friend, standing in front of your computer as you tried to book an appointment. “I’ve always been here for you!” “When have I ever steered you down the wrong path?” asked the Imaginary Friend, who had in fact steered you down the wrong path on many occasions.

Kid’s 10th Birthday Party Gotta Be Real Rager To Get Mom And Dad Back Together | Mar 15 2024

According to reports from the Donnelly household, 10-year-old daughter Kelsey’s birthday party better be a real rager to get Mom and Dad back together. “Today’s gonna be so awesome!” said Kelsey after returning home from a four-hour child custody hearing.

Lame Pirate-Themed Birthday Party Doesn’t Have Any Pillaging Or Killing | Mar 15 2024

Ten-year-old Brayden’s pirate-themed birthday party is reportedly stupid and lame because it doesn’t involve any pillaging or killing. “Everyone come get your eyepatches and inflatable swords!” exclaimed Brayden’s mom, clearly taking inspiration from boring, glamorized pop culture depictions of piracy rather than historical sources.

Grandpa So Proud He Going To Send Chain Email About You To All His Old Cronies | Mar 15 2024

Sources report that your grandpa is so proud of your big news that he is going to send out a chain email to all his old cronies to brag about you. “You never cease to amaze me, kiddo!” said Grandpa, adding the fellas from the bowling team to his email chain.

Dog Defines Man More As Acquaintance | Mar 15 2024

Despite the common held belief that Dog is Man’s best friend, Dog has recently come out and defined Man more as an acquaintance. “Man always just assumes they’re my number one, and I’m not really one for labels, but if I were to classify Man, they’d definitely be an acquaintance,” said Dog, curling up in Man’s lap and licking their entire face as a casual colleague.

Report: 3 Of Your Grandparents Doing Just Fine | Mar 15 2024

A new report released last week confirms that three of your grandparents are doing fine. “We have conducted a thorough and comprehensive review of the state of your family, specifically focusing on the soundness of your grandparents,” stated the report, referencing your Mom’s Mom, Mom’s Dad, and Dad’s Dad.