The Brown Noser

Off Campus (Nov 04 2016 issue)

Obama Frantically Cleans White House In Hopes of Getting Security Deposit Back | Nov 04 2016

Scrambling to scrub a large wine stain out of the carpet on the floor of the Oval Office, President Barack Obama spent his entire week frantically cleaning the White House in the hopes of getting his security deposit back. “The end of my time here really snuck up on me,” said President Obama, placing a portrait of John Adams over a hole in the wall that was made when he dared a drunk Joe Biden to punch it as hard as he could.

Spooky Corn Maze Returns To Dreary Existence As Dumb Little Cornfield | Nov 04 2016

Washing off all the fake blood from his tractor, local farmer Evan Lawrence, began the process of turning his spooky corn maze back into a dumb, little cornfield. “Halloween season’s over so it’s back to life as usual,” lamented Lawrence as he took down the 10 extra scarecrows he had put up to scare visitors.

Report: Greg Eats Same Thing For Lunch Every Day | Nov 04 2016

According to a report put out by several of his co-workers, local man Greg Stavig eats the exact same thing for lunch every day. “It’s a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread, lettuce, tomato, mustard,” said colleague Jill Jurgensson, admitting that, while eating it every day must get tiresome, the lunch itself is not inherently bad.

Infant’s First Birthday Party For No One | Nov 04 2016

One-year-old Joshua Gay’s birthday party Saturday made absolutely no one happy, sources report. “More money down the tube,” said Gay’s father Richard as the magician, who all of the children were too young to understand and the adults too old to enjoy, packed up his things.

Lighthouse Operator Letting Wayward Ships Get Closer And Closer To Rocky Shore Just For The Thrill Of It | Nov 04 2016

Waiting until the last possible moment to turn on the lighthouse bulb to prevent a ship from crashing, lighthouse operator James Wade admitted that he has been letting ships get closer and closer to the rocky shore just for the thrill of it. “I used to be really vigilant about turning on the lighthouse as quickly as possible to usher ships safely into the harbor, but recently, I’ve been getting pretty bored and the only way I can feel anything is if I let the ships get dangerously close to the shore.

Priceless Portrait Destroyed By Bad Guy Who Wants To Use The Eyes As Peepholes | Nov 04 2016

Gingerly cutting the eyes out of a beautiful oil portrait, local bad guy Doctor Blood justified his actions by explaining that he plans on using the holes to peek through. “I live in a very spooky and sinister house. I plan on hanging this portrait on the wall in my living room and using these little peek holes I made to secretly observe whoever is in there.” Disregarding the fact that the portrait was painted by Titian and undoubtedly worth millions of dollars, Doctor Blood proceeded to jam his finger through the peek holes to make sure they were big enough for him to see through.

Wax Figure Sculptor Makes Peace With Fact That He Will Be Murdered By One Of His Creations | Nov 04 2016

Nodding knowingly and sighing to himself, wax figure sculptor Ian Murray made peace with the fact that he will ultimately be murdered by one of his creations. Murray, who has been sculpting wax figures for over 30 years, has spent most of that time grappling with the reality that one of his wax characters will undoubtedly come to life and kill him one day.

Family Just Accepts The Fact That All One Remote Does is Turn TV On | Nov 04 2016

Regularly finding themselves having to hold a remote in each hand only to click one button on one then exclusively use the other, all members of the McCool family have come to terms with the fact that all one remote does is turn the TV on. “For as long as I can remember, we’ve used the long, black remote to turn the TV on and the short, silver one to turn the channel or change the volume,” said Mrs.

"So You Hated It?" Says Annoying Waiter To Patrons Who Finished Entire Meal | Nov 04 2016

Smiling smugly to herself and fighting back a chuckle, local waitress Marsha Lang remarked, “So you hated it?” upon noticing that two patrons had polished off their entire meal. Lang went on to call one of the partons “buddy,” and went so far as to make unsolicited dessert recommendations based on her own personal preference.

Priest Uses Midnight Mass to Workshop Some of His Edgier Material | Nov 04 2016

Trying to take his sermons to the next level, Saint Dominic Parish’s head priest, Father Peter Thompson, has been using Saturday’s midnight mass to workshop some of his edgier material. “It’s a different crowd than Sunday morning,” explained Thompson.

Math Textbook Author Really Hopes People Like Intro | Nov 04 2016

Sources report that area mathematician Ron Edwards is nervous about the introduction of his forthcoming textbook. “I really worry this isn’t good enough," Edwards said, explaining that the introduction is the most important part of a math textbook.

Man “Not Looking For A Relationship” On Tinder Was Being Considered For A Relationship By Zero Women | Nov 04 2016

Sources report that Brian Henderson of Cranston, RI, whose Tinder bio reads, “not looking for a relationship,” was not, in fact, being considered as a top relationship prospect by any women within a 7-mile radius. According to Henderson, the motivation behind his current bio was concern for the feelings of potential matches.

Thanksgiving Dinner An Exciting Preview Of All The Family Drama Bound To Come Up At Christmas Next Month | Nov 04 2016

Providing just a quick refresher on all the interfamilial conflict that’s built up over the years, the Hoxie family’s Thanksgiving dinner served as an exciting preview of all the family drama that’s bound to come up at Christmas. “We were together only for the afternoon so everyone was able to keep it together pretty well,” said the Hoxie family’s oldest grandchild, Allan.

Wedding Reception High Point Of Marriage | Nov 04 2016

The party celebrating the wedding of Ryan Finley and Regina Sanders was the peak of the couple’s marriage, sources reported Saturday. The couple could be staring into each other’s eyes as they danced to their “song,” unaware that in a few short years they would fail to even crack a smile when it plays on the radio.

Woman Hopes Man Taking Pictures Of Her On Street Creating Tasteful Photo Series Of Powerful Women | Nov 04 2016

After noticing a man taking candid photos of her as she walked down the street, local woman Grace Whittier hoped that he was compiling pictures for a tasteful photo series of powerful women. “He’s smirking to himself and nodding, which I know seems like a bad sign,” explained Whittier, as she attempted to hide her body behind a lamppost.

Aircraft Passenger Sitting in Emergency Exit Row Fears She In Over Her Head | Nov 04 2016

Sources report that Southwest Airlines passenger Claire Miller is regretting her decision to sit in the emergency exit row of a Boeing 737-300. “I chose this seat for the extra leg space, but after receiving the 30-second orientation from the flight attendants, I knew I was out of my league,” explained Miller.

Barista Utterly Drenched In Sweat | Nov 04 2016

Sources at Big Mike’s Coffee in Fox Point reported Wednesday that area barista Derek Meyersohn was completely soaked in sweat. Customers at the small coffee shop speculated that Meyersohn was approaching his espresso-pulling with such gusto that he was becoming physically exhausted, and sweating what appeared to be an inappropriate amount for the work he was doing.

Golden Retriever Wearing Bandanna Must Belong to Rich Family | Nov 04 2016

Sources report that the golden retriever bounding across the park looking healthy and clean and wearing a crisp red bandanna must belong to a rich family. “I don’t know who owns that dog, but I do know they’re loaded,” said Len Garcia, a jogger in the park.

Elegant Lady Prefers To Drive Car Side Saddle | Nov 04 2016

Sources report that elegant lady Katrina Crystal can only maneuver her vintage Duesenberg Phaeton while perched in a side saddle pose. “I truly can’t imagine driving in any other way,” said Crystal. “From the moment I stopped riding everywhere on the back of my purebred Arabian horse Cardamom and started driving through the winding roads of my estate and beyond, I have been physically incapable of assuming the more typical driving position.” Crystal explained that her rigid yet refined way of driving makes being on the road unsafe for other drivers, as she has very little control over the gas pedal and has never once looked in her right side view mirror.

Paranoid Police Sketch Artist Convinced Witnesses Just Describing Him | Nov 04 2016

Local police sketch artist Colin Sullivan is certain that witnesses are just describing him when trying to remember details about the person who allegedly robbed a local grocery store sources report Monday. “I’m just trying to do my job,” said Sullivan, faithfully sketching his self-portrait for the third time this day.

Defunded Witness Protection Program Just Box Of Sunglasses And Fake Mustaches | Nov 04 2016

In an effort to cut costs, the FBI has announced that their witness protection program will now be comprised of a box of sunglasses and fake mustaches. “We are confident that these measures will put us back in the black, while also ensuring that our witnesses will be safe behind dark shades, and big bushy fake facial hair,“ explained Grant Carter, president of the program, as he tossed a handful of dollar store plastic glasses into a cardboard box with “witness protection” scrawled on the side in marker.

Insecure Radio DJ Keeps Reassuring Listeners He’s Handsome | Nov 04 2016

Sources report that WHJY DJ Chet Mowry has been spending most of his airtime reassuring listeners he’s handsome. “You’re hanging with Chet Mowry this afternoon and we’re about to dive into an hour of commercial-free music,” he said at the start of his Tuesday broadcast.

Dad Wishes Every Meal Could Be Cookout | Nov 04 2016

Sources close to local dad Al Felman reveal that, deep down, he doesn’t see why every meal can’t be a cookout. “I just love grilling out in the fresh air, smoke rising from the coals, spatula in hand. I don’t know why we can’t do that three times a day, 365 days a year,” Felman was heard to say, adding that he’d be happy to have the cousins over for burgers several times a week, or even several times a day.

Local Woman Listening To Music Through YouTube Ignores Slideshow Accompanying It | Nov 04 2016

Sources report Tuesday that local woman Rashida Moran is disregarding the random assortment of images paired with the recording of Green Day’s “American Idiot” found on Youtube. “This album has been stuck in my head all day,” Moran said, averting her gaze from a picture of Billie Joe Armstrong shouting and waving an upside down American flag.

Mom Suddenly Going Into Way Too Much Detail About Past Drug Use | Nov 04 2016

After beginning what seemed like a dull but tolerable lecture on the dangers of alcoholism, South Dakota mother Barbara Shaw reportedly launched, without warning, into an unsolicited history of her own past drug use. Eyewitnesses report that the exchange was triggered by her daughter’s mentioning of “a party going on somewhere.” “It came out of nowhere,” reports daughter Jessica Shaw, barely able to suppress a shudder.