The Brown Noser

BDH Analysis Concludes Harris Lost Election Because Trump Received More Votes In Swing States | Dec 13 2024

New, innovative election analysis from the Brown Daily Herald revealed that Kamala Harris lost the election because she did not receive as many votes as Donald Trump in swing states. “According to our models, if Kamala Harris had received more votes in states such as Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, Arizona, Nevada, and Georgia, she likely would have won the election,” said Charles van Pelt, a political columnist for the Herald.

Local Frat Boy Stuffing Cheeks With Zyns Like Chipmunk Preparing For Winter | Dec 13 2024

Brett Bradenton, member of local Sigma Delta Phi fraternity chapter, has reportedly been spotted stuffing his cheeks with Zyns like a desperate chipmunk preparing for a rough and harrowing winter. “Bro is like a Zyn god. Rippin’ upper decky lip pillows always,” fellow brother and Zynthusiast Jacob “Jake” Jacobson said.

Brown Class Of 2050 Gearing Up For Negative 25th Anniversary Celebration | Dec 13 2024

Sources from Brown’s Office of Alumni Relations confirmed that preparations are underway for the Brown Class of 2050’s big negative 25th anniversary ceremony. “Events like these are a great reminder to the class of ‘50 that the connections you will make at Brown are going to be lifelong bonds,” said Quinn Newberg ‘25, future father of Riley Newberg ‘50.

Wow, Another Crochet Gift From Friend Who Crochets | Dec 13 2024

Samantha Selmeyer, a junior at Brown who has gotten really into crocheting, has gifted yet another of her friends a 90-minute creation made of tattered yarn. “I think it’s a great way to give my friends a personalized gift made with love,” said Selmeyer, who starts thinking about most of her friend’s birthdays on the day they occur.

Friend Who Hearted Your Message Instead Of Replying With Words Hates Your Ass And Wants You Dead | Dec 13 2024

Sources unfortunately indicate that the friend who hearted your message instead of replying with words definitely hates your ass and no doubt wants you dead. “I just hearted a message from my friend telling me where to meet her for a snack this afternoon,” said Eileen Norris, who actually despises you with all her heart, mind, and soul and might rather die than be subject to an afternoon coffee run with you.

Brown Start-Up Launches App That Doesn’t Work | Dec 13 2024

In a recent win for entrepreneurship, a Brown start-up, AskIt, has launched a new smartphone app that doesn’t work. “We wanted to leverage the predictive capabilities of artificial neural networks and machine learning algorithms in order to create an interactive language-model that can answer critical questions,” explained Tom Hardman ‘26, the lead developer of AskIt, excited to show off the app’s horrendous graphical interface.

Statistics Professor Struggling To Establish Causality Between Bloody Knife And Stab Wound | Dec 13 2024

Earlier today, a statistics professor was reportedly struggling to establish causality between a bloody knife and his gaping stab wound. “You’d think this would be a pretty clear case of causality, but really all we know is that there is a strong positive correlation between our variables,” said Professor Peter Briston, wincing as he pulled the handle of the blood-soaked knife from his abdomen.

Guy Who Speaks Exclusively In Iambic Pentameter Skilled At Keeping Rhythm During Intercourse | Dec 13 2024

English concentrator Lucas Dipplesby, who solely speaks in an iambic pentameter sentence structure, is quite adept at keeping a consistent tempo during sex. “O sweet and silent pulse that stirs within, / Thou mov’st me with a grace so soft and sure.

Sociology Assignment Just Yelling Fire In Crowded Theater | Dec 13 2024

Sources report that the latest assignment given to the students of SOC 0910: Motivating Group Action was to loudly announce a fire in the middle of a crowded theater. “FIRE! FIRE!!” shrieked Avery Bodwick ’26 halfway into Gladiator II, taking detailed notes as the shoulder-to-shoulder audience suddenly panicked and quickly overwhelmed the exits.

Ant-Like Friend Freaking Out About Potato Chip On Ground | Dec 13 2024

Just moments ago, your ant-like friend was seen freaking the fuck out about a potato chip he found on the ground. “Holy shit, like, HOLY SHIT,” said your ant-like friend Anthony Flik, gnashing his mandibles and rubbing his arms over his enormous eyes in disbelief.

Girl Acting Like It Completely Normal She Refers To Grandpa As Paw-Paw Don-Don Grampa-Doodles | Dec 13 2024

Sophomore Tara Sanders is acting like it is completely normal that she refers to her grandpa as Paw-Paw Don-Don Grampa-Doodles. “Hey guys, quiet down for a second. My Paw-Paw Don-Don Grampa-Doodles is giving me a ring!” said Sanders completely unironically to her friends, seeing nothing wrong with that preposterous title for her maternal grandfather.

Loud Car Not Even Fast | Dec 13 2024

According to sources from Thayer Street, that loud car isn’t even fast. “Holy shit, I bet that car must be so fast!” said a local bystander, pointing at the modified Honda Civic that could only moderately outpace its driver’s walking speed.

Brown Crossword Club As Useless As It Sounds | Dec 13 2024

Sources confirm that Brown’s Crossword Club is as pointless as many had imagined. “I think we only have meetings on Mondays, but I’m here every day because that’s how beautiful and valuable the club is. I even forgot it was a club. I was starting to see it as a lifestyle,” said long-time member Josh Lee ‘25, blissfully ignoring the fact that the club has zero practical implications and will look like a quirky footnote on his resume.

Comparative Literature Major Not Sure Of Difference Between This Book And That Other Book | Dec 13 2024

Sources report that senior comparative literature concentrator Augustus Goldberg is still struggling to figure out the difference between this book and that other book. “I just can’t seem to tell what the true difference between these two books is,” a visibly perplexed Goldberg stated.

Gay Household Crumbles After Tensions Rise Over Identical Docs In Shoe Rack | Dec 13 2024

An off-campus household filled with gay people is falling apart after conflict broke out over six pairs of identical Doc Martens in the communal shoe rack. “I was already running late to class this morning, and what do I see but Sophia grabbing MY Docs out of the shoe rack?” grumbled Tristan Clements, one of a seven-person gay friend group inhabiting a very tense house on Governor Street.

Report: That Girl Definitely Homeschooled | Dec 13 2024

According to a newly released report, that one girl in your class was definitely homeschooled growing up. “I took one glance at her, and immediately I could just tell,” revealed freshman Maya Hearst, referring to that one girl who gives the vibe of someone who was taught mathematics by her father in her kitchen.

Guy Who Started Smoking To Get Baddies Unfortunately Getting The Worst Baddie Of Them All, Lung Cancer | Dec 13 2024

In a tragic turn of events last week, on his quest to attract baddies, local smoker Joshua Moore was diagnosed with the ultimate baddie: lung cancer. “I really don’t know where to go from here,” Moore confessed as he purchased his fifth pack of Marlboros this week.

Hypochondriac Friend Should Probably Get That Checked Out | Dec 13 2024

Recent reports state that notorious hypochondriac Emily Williams should probably get that thing checked out. “My throat has been feeling a little scratchy, maybe I should go to the doctor,” said Williams, unaware that whatever thing she’s got is probably getting worse by the day.

Girl Looking Through Other People’s Venmo Histories Wondering If There A Party At “Pork Roll!” This Weekend | Dec 13 2024

Following a recent lurk through other people’s Venmo histories, first year Amelia McCauley was wondering if there’s a party at “Pork Roll!” this weekend. “Hey girl! How’ve you been?” started the text McCauley sent to that one guy she shopped a class with.

Guy Raising Hand So Nonchalantly Because Raising Hand Fully Is Way Too Gay | Dec 13 2024

In recent news, junior Jackson Dibbs was seen raising his hand so nonchalantly in class because raising it entirely would be way too gay. “In his defense, he did look soooo cool back there,” exclaimed sophomore Alexa Dingles, who thought Dibbs was pointing a finger gun at first but realized he was just raising his hand in a heterosexual way.

Medieval Studies Concentrator Really Nervous About That Rat Over There | Dec 13 2024

Sources report that senior Agnes Rumelda, a Medieval Studies concentrator, was really nervous about that rat over there. “Listen, that rat is bad news!” exclaimed Rumelda as she prepared for the devastation this would add to the filth and squalor of peasant life. “Send it away! Send it away, I tell you! These pesky rats wish nothing but destruction.” At press time, an Egyptology concentrator was feeling really nervous about all that toilet paper next to a sarcophagus.

SAO Not Gonna Approve That Pizza Party For Your Club, Fatty | Dec 13 2024

Sources report that the reimbursement request you put in for your club’s pizza party will not be approved, fatty. “Thank you for submitting a reimbursement request!” read an email sent to you by your SAO advisor, who has already declined the past two requests.

Campus Life (Dec 13 2024 issue)