The Brown Noser

Plantain-Like Friend Insisting That Not The Right Side To Open Banana From | Nov 01 2024

Reports indicate that your plantain-like friend just can’t resist intervening whenever he sees someone peeling their banana from the stem, which is obviously the wrong way to go about it. “Ahh no no no, not right!” exclaimed the oblong-faced, asymmetrical, stalk-like friend who, much like a plantain, tricked you into thinking they’d be sweet but turned out to be weird and, clearly, kind of gross.

Guy Still Wondering Why He Hired On Spot At Haunted House Job Interview | Nov 01 2024

Sources report that local man Greg Jenkins is still grappling with a haunted house’s decision to instantly hire him as a scare actor. “Maybe it’s my hair?” contemplated Jenkins, whose face looked like it’s been hit by a bus, twice. “I haven’t had it cut in, like, two whole weeks, so it’s definitely getting a little unruly.” “I came in to interview for a janitorial position.

Lame Trick-Or-Treaters Uninterested In My Shrimp Facts | Nov 01 2024

Local sources recently confirmed that these lame trick-or-treaters are totally disengaged from my shrimp facts. “I just wanted candy, but he kept telling me boring stuff about shrimps’ reproductive cycles,” said pathetic child Denise Schmidt, foolishly expressing boredom about my fact that female shrimp can store the sperm of multiple males in order to fertilize their eggs at a later point in time.

Trick-Or-Treater Really Thinks He Gonna Fill That Pillowcase In This Economy | Nov 01 2024

Reports indicate that local trick-or-treater Damien Devon really thinks he’s gonna fill that pillowcase in this economy. “Hooray! I am going to get sooo much candy tonight,” Devon exclaimed, unaware that a small plastic pumpkin basket would probably suffice after the way the economy has been looking these past few years.

Fourth Grader’s Monica Lewinsky Costume Not Well Received During School’s Halloween Parade | Nov 01 2024

Fourth grader Mia Thompson’s strikingly accurate Monica Lewinsky costume was not the most well-received at a local elementary school’s Halloween parade. “It was a choice, and definitely not the right one,” commented fourth grade teacher Ms.

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Day? No, Thou Art Pissing Me Off Right Now | Nov 01 2024

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, thou art acting like a huge wench right now, and pissing me off. Thou art aware how thou hast betrayed me. Thee stoodeth me up at Blue Room, and for that thou shalt never been forgiv’n. Thou sweater is lacking taste, and it dost not match thine gaskins.

Book So Thick It Basically Cube | Nov 01 2024

Sources from the Fox Point Library this week report that a book is so thick that it’s pretty much a cube. “I was so intrigued by the title and cute design on the spine,” said prospective reader Sammie Webb, struggling to keep their grip on the essentially cube-shaped book.

Girl Scout Really Milking The Whole Absent Father Thing To Boost Cookie Sales | Nov 01 2024

Sources report that Nora Stevens of Troop 41070 was really milking the whole absent father thing to boost cookie sales. “The last thing my father said to me before he left was just how much he loved Tagalongs,” wept Stevens to a customer who simply asked how much the cookies were being sold for.

Disney Mom Spots “Hidden Mickey” That Just Tear Drops On Divorce Papers | Nov 01 2024

Local Disney mom Daisy Pines reportedly spotted a “hidden Mickey” in the most unexpected place—teardrops on her divorce papers. “I barely had time to process that Chad was officially leaving me before I saw it—three perfect circles,” Pines said, marveling at the symbol as she dabbed her cheeks.

Lemur Looking Super Freakish Honestly | Nov 01 2024

Sources on the island of Madagascar report that this lemur is honestly looking really weird. “In my professional opinion, this lemur is absolutely ridiculous-looking. Freakish, even,” stated acclaimed wildlife biologist Stanford Creel as the lemur stood on a tree branch with one leg behind its head and its ugly striped tail on full display.

Nation’s Mimes Staying Silent Amid Concerns of Invisible Border Wall | Nov 01 2024

In a contentious national political environment, mimes across the country are staying silent amid concerns about the proposed invisible border wall. “ , ,” said local mime Connor Medberry when asked about the proposal. “ , , ; .” “ , – ,” Medberry continued, stepping off his invisible pedestal, sweat rolling down his chalk-white face.

Desperate U.S. Department of Anachronisms Hurls Embezzled Doubloons Out Of Spaceship Window | Nov 01 2024

Reports from Washington, DC, indicated that the U.S. Department of Anachronisms was spotted hastily attempting to rid themselves of 2.1 million dollars worth of embezzled doubloons by hurling them from the window of their spaceship. “We’ve gotta get rid of these, pronto!” said Buster Grimes, Chairman, as he tossed hundreds of thousands of 17th-century Spanish coins out the window of his GalaxyMaster AF-6 Starship.

Historical Reports Show Marines Probably Didn’t Need Six People To Raise One Flag | Nov 01 2024

A recent historical analysis has shown that the Marines on Iwo Jima probably didn’t need six people to raise that flag. “This iconic image evokes two feelings in the heart of the viewer: patriotism and inefficiency,” reads the report, noting that half of them barely have their hands on the flag pole.

Conversations Between Starving Lionesses In Savannah Thankfully Always Pass Bechdel Test | Nov 01 2024

According to a lion translator in the savannahs of Africa, conversations between starving lionesses luckily always pass the Bechdel test. “We’ve applied the Bechdel test to these lionesses, and they’ve passed with flying colors,” explained senior-level lion conservationist Dave Watson, astounded by these feminist animals who need to kill a whole buffalo or equivalent to feed their sickly, emaciated cubs.

Suspicious Marionette Man Offers Deal With “No Strings Attached” | Nov 01 2024

This past Sunday, the suspicious marionette man Zepetto was seen offering a deal with “no strings attached.” “Yeah, it was really suspicious,” said Alex Silva, a student who encountered Zepetto in his creepy alley. “I asked him what his deal was, and he just told me I could gain infinite wisdom in exchange for just a moment of my time—no strings attached.

Amnesiac Cop Doesn’t Know Why He Pulled You Over Either | Nov 01 2024

Sources from I-95 reported that the amnesiac cop who pulled you over doesn’t even know why he did either. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” asked the officer with a dazed look in his eyes. “Seriously, I have no idea. Help me out here.” “License and registration please,” he demanded while holding your license and registration papers in his hands.

Girl Imagining Marriage To Stranger Across Airport Not Considering That She Looks The Worst She Ever Has In Her Life | Nov 01 2024

It has been reported that Bella Matthews, who had been stuck at JFK’s Gate E56 after her flight’s third delay, was imagining her certain marriage to a nearby stranger despite looking the absolute worst she had ever looked in her entire existence.

Gertrude’s Parents So Fucked Up For Naming Her Gertrude | Nov 01 2024

In recent news, Gertrude’s parents are actually so fucked up for naming their child Gertrude. “It’s so fucked up, don’t even get me started,” exclaimed Gertrude’s cousin Cynthia Green, imagining how embarrassing roll call at school must be for Gertrude.“C’mon, people.

Spelunker Disappointed He Didn’t Have To Chew Arm Off To Get Through Tight Hole | Nov 01 2024

Local Providence spelunker Fit Kinnigan recently returned from his Icelandic caving trip in shame, disappointed that he didn’t have to chew his arm off to get through a tight hole. “I feel horrible. I have bested the tightest holes of Iceland, but I didn’t even have to brutally gnaw my arm off! I barely even chewed my shoulder,” said Kinnigan, holding his head in, unfortunately, both of his hands.

C’mon, Missing Person Definitely Dead | Nov 01 2024

The family and authorities of missing hiker Alexa Stewart have said there may still be hope for her return, but, like, c’mon guys. She’s totally dead. “She’s an experienced hiker who can walk large stretches alone,” her mother said, ignoring the fact that Stewart had been missing for over three months now.

Fearful Little German Boy Cannot Handle Ze Veight Of It All! | Nov 01 2024

Sources report that Hans Müller, a tiny little German boy, has been caught up in his fear of the world around him and can’t handle ze veight of it all!!! “Ya, it häz been increhdibly difficult,” said Müller, wearing lederhosen with clogs and holding a pretzel.

Carpet Burn So Fucking Crazy | Nov 01 2024

Following a recent roll around on your carpet, you realized that carpet burn is actually so fucking crazy. “This shit’s insane,” you said to yourself as you traced your fingers through the reddish marks on your knees. “How does this even happen, and how can I even cure this? Is there even a cure for carpet burn? Who the fuck knows?” “I think I’m gonna call this one Sally,” you continued as you noticed a scar that was definitely smaller in size yesterday.

Good Skydiving Instructor Very Clingy | Nov 01 2024

According to a recent review, Mark Fleming is a good skydiving instructor and he’s very clingy. “Mark has really stuck with me through the whole process and made sure my jump felt safe. From start to finish, he’s basically been glued to me," said the client as Fleming asked her who she was talking to.

Report: Beat Drop Extremely Expected | Nov 01 2024

The beat drop in DJ TwoTime’s new song is extremely expected, early reports say. “I could just hear it coming from a mile away,” said listener John Kingston. “I mean, it follows the format that every song seems to follow these days. A slow start, a mild buildup, a moment of silence, and then the drop comes crashing in.

Two Sentence Horror Story Fucked Up Grammatically | Nov 01 2024

A recently published two sentence horror story was actually incredibly fucked up grammatically. “I honestly have no idea what it’s saying,” said junior McKenna Lim, pulling up a dictionary and attempting to decipher the story. “I mean, can a sentence even be that long? And what is with all these commas and em dashes? How do I read a sentence with fifty different punctuation marks? The scariest thing about this story is definitely its grammar.” “The author very clearly did not give a fuck about grammar,” continued Lim as she felt her brain slowly rotting away as she tried to understand the story.

Friend Losing In Mini Golf Pretending They Haven’t Been Trying Anyway | Nov 01 2024

Sources report your friend who was losing at mini golf is now trying to convince everyone that they weren’t even trying anyway. “I don’t like to take things like this too seriously, it’s just a stupid game after all,” said Donovan Chen, swinging his tailored PXG 2024 steel putter around as if to emphasize how silly he thought this all was.

Acquaintance Who Won’t Shut Up About Quantum Computing In Superposition Of Friend And Not-Friend | Nov 01 2024

Physicists have confirmed that your quantum-obsessed acquaintance was in a superposition of friend and not-friend. “It’s scientifically impossible to tell if he is your friend or not until we have a direct observation,” said Nobel Prize winner Anton Zeilinger, an entanglement expert.

Animatronic Singing Fish Would Love To Engage In Meaningful Conversation Were He Not Condemned To An Eternity Of Singing His Silly Song | Nov 01 2024

The iconic Big Mouth Billy Bass, an animatronic singing fish, wishes he were able to participate in meaningful dialogues rather than singing his silly songs. “I wanna know, can ya help me? ♫” the animatronic fish belted out spiritedly, eager but unable to discuss the momentousness of Julian Assange’s release from prison.

Man Hammered At Wedding As If Mother Not Two Chairs Away | Nov 01 2024

Sources indicate that an area man got completely trashed at his cousin’s wedding as if the woman who birthed him was not sitting two chairs away. “I’hm having the time of my lifee,” commented Angus Teven, drunk off his fifth margarita from the probably too-open bar.

Off Campus (Nov 01 2024 issue)