The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Nov 01 2024 issue)

Love Letters Between Lockheed Martin, Christina Paxson Leaked Before Divestment Vote | Nov 01 2024

Leaked letters between University President Christian Paxson and weapons manufacturer Lockheed Martin reveal that the two parties were engaged in a months- long affair ahead of October’s divestment vote. “Sir Martin, my love, your affections took me by such surprise,” wrote Paxson in a pink-penned letter from Septem- ber 1.

Anti-Meat Protesters Outside Ratty Less Effective Than Anti-Meat Served Inside Ratty | Nov 01 2024

Reports from Wriston Quad indicated that the efforts of the vegan protesters outside the Ratty paled in comparison to the actual food served inside the Ratty. “You know, I wasn’t very convinced by their posters, but this vile shit is making me seriously consider vegetarianism,” said junior Eric Johnson, using a pruning saw to attempt to slice into a gray slab of “pork.” “Is this even legal?” “Eating meat is a moral crisis!” one protester yelled, unaware that students were about to undergo a gastrointestinal crisis after eating the Ratty’s soup of the day.

Friend With Samsung Really Fucking Up Whole Group Chat | Nov 01 2024

Jacob Woodley, the sole friend with a Samsung in a group of iPhone users, has really been fucking up the whole group chat. “I’ve had it up to here with Jacob with his Samsung bullshit,” fumed Cassie Russell, squinting at a photo which had been reduced in quality by 400% because of the presence of a Samsung user in the group chat.

“I’ll Be In The Ratty At Six” Says Student Massively Overestimating Sway In Group Chat | Nov 01 2024

A local student announcing their dinner plans has reportedly massively overestimated their sway in the group chat. “Feel free to meet me there!” read the hopelessly naive text from sophomore Stan Karne, failing to convince even the hungriest members of the group chat.

Report: Shower Mold Making Unprecedented Rebound After Defeat | Nov 01 2024

In a turn of events that has left fans buzzing, shower mold is having a remarkable comeback following a crushing defeat earlier this season. “We really couldn’t have anticipated the ability of shower mold to swiftly shake off our last match and get back out there with new vigor,” said sophomore Kenny Chen, the ringleader of Barbour 250’s victorious charge against shower mold during bathroom chores two weeks ago.

Guy Who Paid Arm And Leg To Get Into Brown Definitely Wrote About Amputation In Application | Nov 01 2024

First-year Harold Anderson who paid an arm and a leg to get into Brown definitely wrote about being an amputee in his application. “I don’t know what to say, except that whatever anyone thinks I did, I would never do,” exclaimed Anderson, subtly concealing the fact that his amputation had all been a ploy to pay his way into the University.

Student Just Gonna Let That Guy In Dorm Because He Probably Goes Here | Nov 01 2024

Sources from outside Barbour Hall have indicated that a student is just gonna let that guy into their dorm because he probably goes here. “I mean, he’s kinda college age and vaguely familiar, so what’s the harm in letting this guy into my dorm?" said naive sophomore Sabrina Applegate, already swiping the incredibly shady-looking stranger in.

Off-Campus Apartment You Just Toured Already Leased By Fetus | Nov 01 2024

That off-campus apartment you just toured has already been leased by a fetus in utero. “Sorry about that, but the early bird gets the worm!” joked landlord Johnson Smithton, aka “Big J,” referring to the already leased apartment that featured decorative touches of chipped paint and ornamental black mold in its 4-square-foot bathroom.

Friend With A Slight Cough Perfectly Fine As Long As They Don’t Speak, Breathe, Or Move | Nov 01 2024

According to a recent report, your friend with a slight cough is perfectly fine as long as they don’t speak, breathe, or move. “Don’t (cough) even (cough) worry (cough) about it, (cough) I’m totally fine,” said junior Julia Kim, slowly turning blue while holding back another cough.

16-Freshman Pileup Leaves Northbound Ratty Walkway At A Standstill by Henry Lew | Nov 01 2024

A 16-freshman pileup has left the northbound Ratty walkway at a complete standstill. “It’s looking pretty bad down there, I see a lot of spilled plates,” reported Ratty correspondent Peter Mulligan ‘27 from a helicopter overhead. “It couldn’t have happened at a worse place; this accident has completely clogged up the exit ramp to the ice cream machine.” “Thankfully, onsite responders are reporting no serious injuries or casualties for now,” stated Mulligan, pointing toward the pile of immobile first-year students now spilling into the grill station.

CAPS Therapist Promises To Keep Everything Confidential As Long As You Don’t Mention Anything University Could Remotely Be Liable For | Nov 01 2024

Prior to your CAPS appointment this morning, your CAPS therapist promised to keep everything confidential as long as you don’t mention anything the university could be remotely liable for. “Remember, this is a safe space,” said CAPS therapist Hanover Smith, preparing to toe the line with HIPAA.

Freshman So Close To Discovering Patriot’s Court | Nov 01 2024

In an exciting report out of Keeney Quad this weekend, freshman Luca Capatelli was just so close to discovering Patriots Court. “Yeah, Providence is basically my city,” Capatelli said, despite the fact that the most exotic place he had been in Providence was the Blue Room.

Stressed Senior Just Gonna Cry While Driving On I-195 W/US-6 N Toward US-44 W | Nov 01 2024

Reports from the off-campus neighborhoods have indicated that senior Madelyn Prent is gonna release her stress by sobbing while driving on I-195 W/US-6 N toward US-44 W. “Everything has just piled up on my shoulders, and I don’t know what to do,” wept Prent, speeding down Hope Street toward Wickenden.

Indy Initiation Ritual Requires All New Writers Wear Long White Skirt, Edgy Distressed Shirt, Purposeless Belt, Condescending Gaze | Nov 01 2024

Footage from the College Hill Independent’s first annual meeting showed new writers being instructed to wear long white skirts, distressed tee-shirts, purposeless belts, and condescending gazes as part of a complex initiation ritual. “The Indy is a sisterhood, a brotherhood, a siblinghood all in one,” said senior editor Apple Jones, glaring down at a group of new freshmen.

University Believes Endowment Should Not Be Used As A Political Instrument But Instead As A Hydraulic Fracking Instrument | Nov 01 2024

Brown University affirms the endowment is not used as a political instrument but instead as a hydraulic fracking instrument. “It’s not about politics,” said President Paxson after releasing a statement in support of staying invested in a political entity.

Jewish Student Relieved To Know Antisemitic Remark Not Actually Antisemitic After Catholic Friend Marcus Says So | Nov 01 2024

Brown EMS Worker Just Child Laborer With Marginal Interest In Biology | Nov 01 2024

Sources report that a Brown EMS worker is really nothing more than a child laborer with a slight interest in biology. “Wait a damn minute. You’re telling me that I’m supposed to go to that guy in the event of a medical emergency?” questioned junior Silas Reed, motioning to the BEMS worker picking his nose outside the entrance of the campus dance.

Man In Two-Person Horse Costume Really Banking On Threesome At Halloween Party | Nov 01 2024

Sources indicate that local man Tyler Cohen, member of a two-person horse costume, is really hoping for a threesome at this Halloween party. “You know, I didn’t really realize how this might impede my chances at getting laid tonight,” said Cohen, who had drawn the short straw and ended up as the horse’s hind legs.

Guy Playing Spikeball At 2 PM Could Probably Benefit From Some Harder Classes | Nov 01 2024

Sources from the Main Green report that a guy playing Spikeball at 2pm would likely benefit from some harder classes. “Yeah, I never have all that much to do,” said Tywin Tenot, local economics major and free-time connoisseur, setting up his Spikeball net as his classmates hurried to their lectures.

Ethics And Morality Class Really Easy If Evil | Nov 01 2024

According to a recent Brown University study, ethics and morality classes are actually way easier if you’re evil. “At first, I was having a really hard time in my ethics class navigating complex and nuanced ethical dilemmas, all while trying to make sense of years and years of philosophical debate.

Hungry Little Washing Machine Eating All Your Yummy Little Quarters | Nov 01 2024

Sources report that your hungry little washing machine is eating all your yummy little quarters. “Yummy yum yum! More quarters please! I must feed my metallic insides with metallic little quarters so I can feel my tummy getting full!” whispered the washing machine, hoping you would bring some more supper from the bank.

Off-Campus Senior Scrounges For Free Meal Swipes Like Crab Scouring Barren Seafloor For Carcasses | Nov 01 2024

Sad reports showed an off-campus senior scrounging for free meal swipes like a crab sweeping the barren seafloor for carcasses. “Sometimes I get really lucky and my friend on meal plan happens to be in line,so I’ll sneak in with them,” explained senior David Kim, lurking at the Ratty exit like he’s an undersea vulture waiting for a seafloor victim to drop dead on the spot.

Report: CCB Making Strides In Political Reform Amid Haha Got You, It’s Another Ice Cream Social | Nov 01 2024

According to sources at Brown University, the Class Coordinating Board has made significant strides in political reform in response to a climate of haha just kidding, it’s another ice cream social. “CCB will not be absent from this important dialogue concerning recent campus events,” said CCB Senior President Jamie Chisholm before immediately bursting out laughing.

Local CS Concentrator Has Dreamed Of Being A Quality Assurance Consultant At A Mid-Sized Security Software Firm Since He Was A Little Boy | Nov 01 2024

In a report out of the Computer Science Department this past week, local CS concentrator Chris Macintyre has dreamed of being a quality assurance consultant at a mid-sized firm his entire life. “Ever since he was just a boy, my little Chris has wished and prayed that one day, he would become responsible for checking the quality of commercial security software sold by a mid-sized firm,” Chris’s mother, Janine Macintyre, said while combing through Chris’s many childhood diaries detailing his desire to help corporations secure their firewalls against data miners.

Student Thrilled As Destructive Event In Professor’s Life Pushes Paper To Next Friday | Nov 01 2024

Recent reports indicate jubilation from sophomore Alex McDougal, who had a paper pushed back six days due to a horrible and destructive event in his professor’s life. “Let’s go dude,” McDougal texted enthusiastically to a classmate after their professor’s son was diagnosed with a debilitating chronic illness.