The Brown Noser

Song About Kissing Santa Heavy On The Tongue Description | Dec 13 2024

A listen to a Christmas radio station revealed that a popular song about kissing Santa is a little heavy on the tongue description. “I don’t remember this part of ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,’” said local Christmas music enthusiast Maryanne Fray, turning up the radio dial curiously.

Index Finger Totally The Beyoncé Of The Hand | Dec 13 2024

In a stunning report by Vox this past week, the index finger was totally the Beyoncé of the hand. “Yeah, Index Finger has been acting kinda high and mighty lately,” confessed the Ring Finger as they gossipped with Thumb. “And it’s like, yeah, obviously you’re a star, but the rest of us are right here! We do a lot.

Masochistic Turtle Hopes You Don’t Cut Up Those Plastic Rings | Dec 13 2024

Reports from the ocean indicate that a masochistic turtle secretly hopes you don’t cut up those plastic rings. “Hey, honestly, don’t worry about it,” the turtle said with a conspiratorial grin. “Just toss those bad boys from that six pack of beer right on into the ocean—cut out the middleman.” “Fuck the environment—I want to get freaky,” added the turtle, who didn’t know why so many environmentalist were so vanilla.

Slinky Got All Those Curves Like It Doesn't Know What It's Doing | Dec 13 2024

In recent news, a local slinky was showing off all of its curves like it has no idea what it’s doing to onlookers. “Zamn, shawty!” exclaimed area man Link Wilder, eyeing the slinky’s alluring, concentric metal spirals while it feigned disinterest.

Birthday Clown Actually Kinda Hot After Taking Off Red Nose | Dec 13 2024

Area birthday clown Bubbles stunned local parents this weekend when he took off his red nose, revealing a jawline sharp enough to slice through any balloon animal. “I thought I was hiring some old guy in a wig to make balloon animals, but suddenly I’m locking eyes with a total heartthrob,” said party mom Katie Wrubel, adjusting her hair and pretending to be interested in juggling for the first time in her life.

Drunk Pilot Really Fun | Dec 13 2024

Sources from the sky reported that drunk pilot Christopher Banks was actually really fun. “Attention, this is… uhh… your captain speaking,” slurred the heavily inebriated Banks. “We’re about to see what this plane can really do.” “Woohoo!” said Banks, flying the plane straight up for 45 seconds.

Boobs No Match For Sports Bra | Dec 13 2024

In a demoralizing report out of the Nelson last week, boobs everywhere were no match for the almighty sports bra. “I started out as a D-cup, now I look like Flat Stanley,” lamented junior Sarah Piccone as she observed her poor boobs in her straight jacket-like sports bra.

Baby Too Ugly To Have Not Done Something Terrible In Previous Life | Dec 13 2024

A local baby is reportedly too ugly to have not done something terrible in his previous life. “Now, I’m no phrenologist, but the shape of this baby’s head has ‘former evil doer’ written all over it,” said infant morality specialist Dr.

Report: Nothing Satisfies A Big Hungry Guy Quite Like A Bowl Of Smaller, Less Hungry Guys | Dec 13 2024

According to local sources, there is nothing quite as satisfying for a big hungry guy as a heaping bowl of smaller, less hungry guys. “After a long day of busting my big tush at the ol’ 9 to 5, a guy like me gets famished!” said large man Greg Pinkle as he fetched a large bowl of punier, terrified men from the back of his very sizable pantry.

Report: Entire Ball of Yarn Could Probably Be Slurped Up Like Spaghetti | Dec 13 2024

Sources at Brown University recently confirmed that an entire ball of yarn was almost certainly very slurpable, just like an extra lengthy spaghetti noodle. “What, you mean you’ve never thought about it?” commented Monica Tirico ‘26 while delicately twirling yarn on a fork inside the Ratty.

Guy With Heart Of Gold In Poor Cardiovascular Health | Dec 13 2024

Friends and family of Zachary Cabrera were saddened to learn that his heart of gold had made him vulnerable to serious health complications. “Zachary is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. He has a real heart of gold,” commented cardiologist Anna Knapp, pointing out the chunk of heavy metal on an X-ray of Zachary’s chest.

Shitty Mentor Won’t Even Die To Jumpstart Your Character Development | Dec 13 2024

According to sources from the magical land of Narnwartz, shitty mentor Aslan Candlewix taught his students everything he knew without even dying to launch their growth. “Did he teach us the divine secrets of magic that will allow us to overcome any obstacle with the power of friendship? I guess.

Report: Dad Just Resting His Eyes | Dec 13 2024

According to a recent report, your dad was just resting his eyes. “Don’t turn off the TV, I’m watching that,” said father Todd Stark, whose mouth was fully agape moments ago. “I was just closing my eyes for a second.” “My eyes were just tired from the bright colors, that’s all.

Leader Of Polycule Dethroned By Younger, Hornier Challenger | Dec 13 2024

After a hard-fought and incredibly sticky battle, the leader of a local polycule has been dethroned by a younger, hornier challenger. “You fought well, but not well enough,” said Pyra Lindhorst, standing over the defeated and drained former champion of the polyamorous collective.

Smart Man Dies Reading While Driving | Dec 13 2024

Reports from the Providence Police have revealed that a smart man died reading while driving this past Sunday. “We are all devastated,” said the smart man’s mother during an interview with a local news station, her eyes clearly focused on the book in her lap.

Report: Eek! Hemorrhoids! | Dec 13 2024

Sources from Warren Alpert Medical School recently made a terrifying announcement: Ahhh! Hemorrhoids! “Yikes!” said clinical director Dr. Tabitha Lorraine as she carefully studied a medical chart that showed evidence of swollen veins in the anus and rectum areas.

Man-Eating Bear No Match for Man Eating Bear | Dec 13 2024

Bystanders watched in astonishment as a man-eating bear was thoroughly outclassed by a man eating a bear. “Most people think grizzly bears are apex predators—top of the food chain. While it’s true that these bears will hunt humans occasionally, they do have a natural predator, which is a man eating them,” commented wildlife biologist Erica O’Connell, studying the man from a distance as he gnawed through the bear’s limbs one by one, pausing to lick his fingers and remove bear fur from between his teeth.

Lagoon Nice Place For A Swim Except For That Kid Who Won’t Stop Warning You About Fish Swimming Up Your Peepee | Dec 13 2024

According to a recent report, this lagoon is a nice place for a swim except for that kid over there who won’t stop talking about fish swimming up your peepee. “Whatever you do, don’t pee in the water!” warned 11-year-old Warner Feebs, loudly splashing in the serene, waterfall-laden lagoon.

Guy Who’s Already Having Bad Day Has No Idea I’m About To Rob Him | Dec 13 2024

Recent reports suggest that a guy who’s already having a bad day has no idea that I’m about to rob him. “Well, it started this morning when I spilled my coffee on myself while I was driving to work,” grumbled Stanley Parsons while unwittingly turning the corner down the dark alley where I lay in wait.

Large Penis Wasted On Incel | Dec 13 2024

Oscar McNulty, a 26-year-old involuntary celibate male, has an ironic curse: his incredible endowment, a 9-inch penis, has been completely wasted due to its lack of use. “I am well aware of how large my dick is, due to the incredible amount of porn I consume on a daily basis,” said McNulty, whose seething anger was palpable.

Unattended Farm Animals Don’t Even Unionize; Starve | Dec 13 2024

A group of six pigs, three horses, two dogs, four sheep, and a dozen hens were abandoned by their owner over eight weeks ago. They reportedly did not even begin any union activity, and, in fact, all starved in under three weeks. “I’m not sure how this could have happened,” said Frederick Blevins, an organized labor expert.

“I’ve Had It Up To Here!” Not So Threatening Coming From Short Man | Dec 13 2024

Sources report that the statement “I’ve had it up to here!” is really not that threatening coming from a short man. “Normally I would be pretty worried if someone raised their arm up and said to me that they had ‘had it up to here,’” remarked Mackenzie Barnes, a staggering 5’ 8”.

Humongous Chair Big But Not Large Enough For Gargantuan Ass | Dec 13 2024

According to recent reports, this humongous chair is certainly big, but not nearly large enough for a gargantuan ass. “When I first tried to sit on this huge chair, I thought that for sure I would be able to sit down, but for some reason I couldn’t seem to fit!” exclaimed Gunter Peters, whose heaping rump seemed to have its own gravitational pull.

Guy Who Spilled Water On His Pants Glad He Also Pissed Himself | Dec 13 2024

Sources report that area man Thomas Fry ’27, who spilled water on his pants, is glad he also pissed himself. “I was worried people would think I was a total klutz for spilling water on myself,” said Fry, whose pants now had an ambiguous dark spot around the crotch.

Nation’s Butter Pecan Ice Cream Industry Toppled By Rancid Nut Incident | Dec 13 2024

Sources from US-based ice cream factories have revealed that the nation’s butter pecan ice cream industry is suffering after a recent rancid nut incident. “We’re crossing our fingers that we’ll see sales numbers bounce back in the first quarter of the 2025 fiscal year,” shared ice cream CEO Becky Kringle, shaking her head as she recalled the thousands and thousands of gallons lost due to contamination by rancid nuts over the past weeks.

Sad Couple Selling “Baby Shoes, Never Worn” Also Selling “Baby Food, Half- Eaten Because Yummy” | Dec 13 2024

Sources report that a sad couple selling “Baby Shoes, Never Worn” on Facebook Marketplace was also selling “Baby Food, Half-Eaten Because Yummy.” “I just don’t know how we’re gonna get through this,” said devastated husband Jamie Lucero as he pointed down to a full pack of Gerber baby food, a puddle of banana-apple puree slipping down his chin.

Grandma Could Really Fuck Up Some Cracker Barrel | Dec 13 2024

Grandma Margie Hughes could definitely fuck up some Cracker Barrel. “Oh my golly gee, it’s as if the angels have blessed us!” bellowed Hughes the minute she locked eyes with the sign for her near and dear Old Country Store off of Interstate 90.

Tarot Reader Trying To Find Mystical Way To Say You’re Fucked | Dec 13 2024

Reports indicate that a local fortune teller is struggling to find a mystical way to convey how fucked the tarot cards say you are. “Ohhhh, yes, you’ve drawn the Hanged Man, a most intriguing and definitely not negative card of the Major Arcana,” muttered tarot reader Madame Claudine, sneaking glances beneath the table to her phone, where she had Googled “is there positive meaning for hanged man tarot.” “The spirits are telling me you’ll have a teensy bit of a rough patch, but don’t worry, the next card will likely offer a beautiful redemption…” “Let’s draw the next card now… I see, it’s the card of Death…” began Madame Claudine, preparing to flat out lie so she doesn’t have to tell you that your life is so over.

Off Campus (Dec 13 2024 issue)