The Brown Noser

Campus Life (Sep 22 2023 issue)

“You Ain’t A Man ‘Till You’ve Shot Your First Buck,” Says Paxson Passing Muskets To Wide-Eyed Freshmen | Sep 22 2023

Doling out hunting rifles to a group of trembling freshmen, President Christina Paxson emphasized that killing a wild animal is the first step toward adulthood. “You ain’t a man ‘till you’ve shot your first buck,” said a camo-clad Paxson, followed by a nervous jumble of first-years.

Biker Gang On Thayer Actually Going Somewhere Really Important | Sep 22 2023

According to sources, the biker gang driving down Thayer is actually going somewhere really important. “God, they’re so fucking loud and annoying,” complained sophomore Pete DeLuca, unaware that the leather-clad motorcyclist driving past was actually rushing to the hospital to see his dying mother one last time.

Jo’s Renovation Inspires School To Make Countless Other Spaces Look Like Absolute Shit | Sep 22 2023

The recent overhaul of the dining area in Josiah’s has emboldened the University administration to explore options to make other beloved spaces on campus look like complete dog shit. “Josiah’s has always been adored by students, and its endearing 50s diner aesthetic was part of that, so we asked ourselves, ‘how can we turn it into a soulless hellscape instead?’” said Jerry Lurch, Deputy Vice President for Management of Facilities Management.

CareerLAB Undergoes Massive Rebrand Involving Name Change And Nothing Else | Sep 22 2023

Through a recent email addressed to the entire Brown community, the Brown University CareerLAB announced an exciting rebranding initiative involving a name change and absolutely nothing else. “Our goals have been quite simple since our founding: we want to help connect you to your dream career opportunities,” stated the university-wide email.

Professor Must Kiss Dean Before Midnight Or Stay Untenured Forever | Sep 22 2023

Brown professor Gary Hendrikerson must find and kiss the Dean before the clock strikes midnight or risk losing the chance at tenure forever. “I’ve published on average a paper every two months, and given talks at eleven different conferences,” said Hendrikerson, worried that it will go to waste if he can’t break the evil witch’s spell through the power of true love’s kiss.

New York Post Report Finds 60 Percent Of Brown Students Not Gay, Thank God | Sep 22 2023

A New York Post report released last summer found that 60 percent of Brown students aren’t gay, thank god. “According to our survey of Brown students, 60 percent are, in fact, heterosexual,” the report detailed. “Ultimately, after a critical analysis of the collected data, we concluded that over half of the student body is straight, hell yeah.” According to the report, the remaining 40 percent of students are unfortunately big homos.

Providence's Waterfire Ushers In New Season of Being Pretty Underwhelming | Sep 22 2023

Providence’s Waterfire is preparing to usher in a brand new season of sounding much cooler than it actually is. “When I first heard about Waterfire I couldn’t believe it,” said freshman Chet Lewis. “The name was really eye-catching. Fire on water? Who ever heard of something like that? It sounded impossible.

Report: Friend Worked On Chemical Engineering Research Project, Patchy Beard | Sep 22 2023

According to a recent report, Tim Carlton worked hard on not only his important chemical internship this summer, but also his patchy beard. “The work I did with my lab trying to reduce the harmful toxins in farming pesticides was really interesting,” said Carlton, sporting a sparse map of spindly hairs on his chin.

University Announces Plans To Do Absolutely Nothing By 2030 | Sep 22 2023

Earlier today, the University announced plans to achieve absolutely nothing by 2030. “I’m very excited to unveil our University’s newest commitment to the future,” stated President Christina Paxson, gesturing to the completely blank slideshow behind her.

Summertime to Stick Around Like Wet Towel on Bathroom Floor | Sep 22 2023

Student Going to Try Playing Hard to Get During This Recruiting Season | Sep 22 2023

In an attempt to distinguish herself from all of the other business-minded students vying for jobs in consulting and finance, Senior Krishna Thompson ‘24 is going to try playing hard to get this recruiting season. “Hey.. sorry for the late response, I was in the shower,” wrote Thompson in response to an interview request she received three days earlier.

Junior About To Look So Nonchalant While Passing Tour Group | Sep 22 2023

Sources indicate that Brown Junior Shane Vergas about to look so nonchalant while passing by a tour group of prospective students. “Oh, yeah, no biggie, just heading to class,” explained Vergas, doing everything in his power to not turn around to make sure the group was staring at him longingly both because he’s so hot and because he goes to Brown.

Indy Writer Fired For Writing Pieces That Make Sense To General Public | Sep 22 2023

In a shocking turn of events at the Indy, writer Mandy Lewinson has been fired for writing articles that the general public understands. “It’s hard to let Mandy go like this, but there was really no choice,” recounted the Indy’s managing editor Sandra Moon, ripping up a copy of Lewinson’s recent essay on Barbie and girlhood, which had resonated with too many readers.

Man Confidently Walks Through Faunce Arch During Acapella Performance Like Moses Parting Red Sea | Sep 22 2023

In a shocking act of bravery out of Faunce Arch this week, Brown student Max Kimm marched through a group of fifteen acapella singers to get to his destination, parting the crowd as though he were Moses, splitting the Red Sea. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” one onlooker remarked on the holy sense of purpose that seemed to flow through Kimm, “he held one arm up, and the singers just split like they were compelled by the hand of God.

Brown Facilities Announces Plan To Replace Main Green With Intricate Maze Of Stairs And Ramps | Sep 22 2023

In a recent statement by the university, Brown Facilities has unveiled a new plan to replace the Main Green with an intricate maze of stairs and ramps. “Accessibility and inaccessibility are both very important to us,” said spokesman Danny Oblert, pouring over blueprints depicting hundreds of ramps and stairs leading into one another to create an endless, interminable loop.

Brown Opinion Project Asks If You'd Rather Win Nobel Peace Prize or Get Framed For Murder | Sep 22 2023

In the Brown Opinion Project’s most recent groundbreaking survey, they ask respondents if they’d rather win the Nobel Peace Prize, or get framed for murder. “We wanted to ask a question that would really challenge our respondents,” said B.O.P.

Brown To Relaunch CareerLAB As Center For Career Exploration In Latest Effort To Relaunch Something | Sep 22 2023

Brown Admin announced their relaunch of CareerLAB as the Center for Career Exploration in their latest effort to relaunch something. “We’re thrilled that our Center for Career Exploration so closely aligns with the mission of our university, which is, namely, to relaunch something,” an email from Center faculty read.

Freshman Dismayed To Find Bed Still Warm From Pre-College Kid | Sep 22 2023

Dampening the mood during an otherwise exciting move-in day, freshman Charlie Manx was dismayed to find that their bed was still warm from the pre-college kid who slept there all summer. “I laid down to take a load off after moving all my stuff in, but the bed was warm to the touch,” said Manx, immersed in the lingering body heat of a 16-year-old from New Jersey.

Freshman Stunned By “Two Truths And A Lie” Revelation That Roommate Has Not One Dog But Two | Sep 22 2023

Freshman stunned during orientation week ice-breaker by “two truths and a lie” revelation that roommate has not one dog but two. “I really could not believe it – I was convinced he only had one dog” exclaimed freshman Sebastian Reyes, taken aback by the realization that his roommate grew up with a Siberian Husky in addition to his French Bulldog.

Class Discussion Between Students Who Didn’t Do The Reading Veering Dangerously Close To Orwellian Doublethink | Sep 22 2023

In a familiar scene from Macmillan Hall this past week, a conversation between the students of ENGL1800H devolved into a menagerie of contradictory statements resembling the lingo used in George Orwell’s 1984. “I think that Denver is obviously a non-physical entity, despite her human form,” said Macy Collins confidently contradicting her previous point.

French Department Announces New Curricular Plan Consisting Of Increased Reading, Occasional Beheading | Sep 22 2023

The Brown University Department of French and Francophone Studies recently announced an innovative new curricular plan consisting of increased time spent on reading, as well as the occasional beheading. “We are so excited to take part in this academic endeavor that will surely improve our students’ comprehension of the French language and culture,” stated department head Marie Macaron, slowly running a whetstone across the blade of a guillotine.

Brown Bookstore Fully Stocked With Everything A Die-Hard Brown Squash Fan Could Possibly Need | Sep 22 2023

Freshly supplied for the start of the school year, the Brown Bookstore is reportedly fully stocked with everything a die-hard Brown Squash fan could possibly need. “All we can do is hope we have enough for everyone,” said Brown Merchandise Coordinator Alabaster Mudge, neatly organizing hundreds of Brown Squash hats that will inevitably be purchased exclusively by family members of the team.

Grody Little Keeney Scum Slops Home To Stinky Dorm Hovel | Sep 22 2023

According to sources on the scene, noted Keeney scum Raymond Logan slopped his way home to the putrid, vile little shanty he calls home. Logan, who lives in the Jasement, was spotted leaving a stinking green trail the entire way from Andrews back to his little subterranean dirt hole, where he would retire for his nasty little evening.

Classmate Just Had Lazy Summer in Hometown and Rome and Copenhagen and Barcelona | Sep 22 2023

As Brown University students begin classes for the fall semester, your classmate Owen Wrigley revealed that he had a pretty boring summer in his hometown and Rome and Copenhagen and Barcelona. “Yeah, I honestly didn’t get up to much,” Wrigley reminisced, sporting a smooth tan from the beaches of Spain, where he spent approximately four weeks at his family villa.

BOLT Leaders Thrilled To Sleep Under Wet Tarp For Zero Pay | Sep 22 2023

Following this year’s backpacking trip, Brown’s BOLT leaders announced their joy at getting to sleep under a wet tarp while earning no financial compensation at all. “Brown Outdoor Leadership Training is such an incredible program, and I’m so glad I could give back to it this year,” gushed Bryce Ware, one of the program’s student leaders, who spent every night of the trip crammed under a sodden tarp with several sophomores.

Grad Center Actually Not That Ugly When You Look At It Through A 50s Brutalist Avant-Garde Lens | Sep 22 2023

After taking a History of Art course over the summer, junior Amy Lee is reportedly beginning to see Grad Center as a 50s Brutalist Avant-Garde masterpiece. “I mean, yeah, I totally see where people are coming from when they comment on Grad’s appearance,” said Lee, as she walked down the mold-infested never-ending bare outdoor spiral staircases.

Returning Study Abroad Student Woefully Unprepared To Re-Embrace American Dream | Sep 22 2023

Returning to College Hill after spending last semester studying abroad in Spain, senior Katie Hanes is woefully unprepared to re-embrace the American Dream. “I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to live in Spain for four months,” Hanes reminisced, completely forgetting that America is the land of opportunity.

Report: Post-High School Connections Down To Just Your English Teacher And Chris | Sep 22 2023

A recent report revealed that your post-high school connections have dwindled down to just your old English teacher and Chris. “Everybody other than your tenth-grade English teacher and Chris from debate team is busy or just has better things to do,” the report read, in reference to the dozen or so people you saw every day for four years.

Scrappy BDH Reporter Backed By Nothing But Courage, Thousands Of Dollars Of Alumni Donations | Sep 22 2023

Scrappy Brown Daily Herald reporter Ethan Arnold is reportedly backed by nothing but sheer gumption, and also thousands of dollars of alumni donations. “We’ve been insanely impressed by Ethan’s go-getter attitude in the face of adversity, and sometimes even danger,” said BDH Editor-in-Chief Posy Kransler as Arnold used some of the colossal stash of alumni funds to buy a source coffee.

Sophomore Bad At Literally Every Activity That Would Be Fun To Do On The Main Green | Sep 22 2023

Thrilled to be back on campus, local sophomore Francesco Fowler quickly remembered that he’s bad at literally every activity that would be fun to do on the main green. “Ooh! I’ve always wanted to paint ‘en plein air,’ plus University hall looks beautiful in this light,” exclaimed Fowler, immediately realizing he doesn’t even have enough talent to draw a three dimensional object in the first place.

Student Who Got Put In Perkins Acting Like She’s Joan Of Arc | Sep 22 2023

In a dramatic scene out of the Main Green this past weekend, Brown sophomore student Bliss Martin was seen acting like Joan of Arc over the fact that she had been placed in Perkins. “I have a duty not just to myself, but to my country,” Martin commented, staring off into the middle distance, despite the fact that her room was actually quite spacious.

Shitty University Donor Doesn’t Even Own Thousands Of Dollars’ Worth Of Stolen Artifacts | Sep 22 2023

Brown’s latest donor, Thomas Frank, reportedly doesn’t even own thousands of dollars’ worth of stolen artifacts. “I mean, what the actual hell,” said university president Christina Paxson, shaking her head at Frank’s lack of art pieces ripped from colonized communities.

Professor Clearly Wrote His Own Wikipedia Page | Sep 22 2023

Sources have recently reported that IAPA professor Nathan Gold clearly wrote his own Wikipedia page. “I think it’s a great sign that someone took the time to write a little background about me,” said Gold, whose “Professional Career” section describes his work as “the most important contribution to international politics since the Treaty of Westphalia.” “To see my work finally get the recognition it deserves feels really good.” “I generally don’t consider Wikipedia a reliable source, but I must say, whoever wrote this did their research,” continued Gold, whose “Personal Life” section includes the name of both of his cats and his favorite restaurant in Providence.

Study Finds That Sleeping Together While Sharing One Flat Pillow Under Sweaty Blanket On Plastic Mattress Ultimate Sign Of True Love | Sep 22 2023

After analyzing the habits of college students nationwide, a new study reports that sleeping together while sharing one flat pillow under a sweaty blanket on a plastic mattress is the ultimate sign of true love. “Years of research and testing have answered the age-old question of how to truly encapsulate love,” said researcher Hore Neeteen, who has studied the signs of love since plastic dorm mattresses have existed.

Freshman Engineering Student Gonna Learn So Quickly Open Curriculum Ain’t Open For Everyone | Sep 22 2023

After applying to Brown for its wide breadth of class choices, innocent freshman engineering student Tommy Gorman is gonna learn so quickly that the Open Curriculum ain’t open for everyone. “There’s this really cool RISD sculpture course I’ve been looking at,” said Gorman, whose next 8 semesters will be solely composed of shit with names like “Fluid Dynamics of Asymptotic Perturbation Methods.” “I’ve heard great things about the Urban Studies department too.” Gorman, who one day will feel grateful for the opportunity to get credit for “The Social Impact of Engineering,” is reportedly shopping different English courses with his humanities friends, completely unaware that he will never have the opportunity to take a single course outside of his concentration.

Gym Bro Clearly Doesn’t Know Muscle Names | Sep 22 2023

After a weightlifting session at the Nelson, it became clear that junior Todd Rigg doesn’t know the names of muscles. “He was pointing at his obliques, talking about how sore they were after a set of side crunches, but he was calling them his ’stomach ouchies,’” said Rigg’s gym buddy Joey Miren as Rigg called his bicep his “front arm.” “For a guy who’s always at the gym, he really has no idea what any muscle in his body is called.